[PurpleViolet]

Hello,
Here is my background:
-I am a 26 year old female with a 24 year old sister. Growing up, my sister was most certainly the golden child and still is. She can do no wrong. I remember my parents telling us that one year she would get a b-day party and the next I would. Well every time it was supposed to be my turn, my parents would say that I already had a party and throw a party for my sister. I probably got two b-day parties growing up. (which is now the least of my worries)

-She would start fights with me/provoke me yet my parents would get upset at me at/blame me. Now I wasn't a perfect child and there was times I was most certainly to blame but what angers me is they never EVER blamed my sister and they still don't.

-There was "family secrets" the my parents and sister knew but I was never told. I still don't know.

-Parents said they won't pay for our college education. I took out loans, got scholarships and worked full time to get my education. My parents contributed a rather large amount towards my sister's education. When I confronted them, they told me they never told me they wouldn't help us.

-My sister maxed out her first credit card and my parents paid it off for her.

-My parents call my sister every week yet I have to call them or they only call twice a year.

-Left out of family events or told very last minute. Yet if I were to leave her out of something, she'd have a fit.

-My sister is always competing with me. If I achieved something, her achievements are better. If I am going through something difficult, she has it worse.

-She says rude/sarcastic put downs/comments. Is very passive-aggressive. She is VERY sensitive to criticism.

-When I confront her, on rare occasions, she accuses me of being a liar and remembering history wrong/distorting history. Tells me I'm ungrateful for everything yet she fails to acknowledge how I have helped her. I don't understand because she was always expecting my parents to cater to her and still does. So I don't see how I'm the ungrateful one.

-Accuses me of being thin skinned and that I need to grow a back bone. That I start everything and that I need to build a bridge and get over it.
-I live on my own now and have a great career. My sister is married and she too has a great career.

I don't know what is up with my family. I have walked around with anger, anxiety, and an unresolved/empty feeling most of my life. The thing is, I don't know if I'm paranoid/selfish/ungrateful or if it's my sister/parents.

Any advice? Any similar stories? How to manage anger towards family? (sorry so long)

Wooooow. D: I'm so sorry. I'm the baby of the family and am closer with my parents but I would never provoke or hurt my sister. In fact I kind of idolize how cool and independent she is.

When parents choose a favorite among their children that is literally the worst thing they can do. There definitely is quite the line between feeling anger and your situation or your family. In the case that you're paranoid about being ungrateful, perhaps it might be good to write down some of the things they did well for you. Start simply--with food and shelter and then grow it out from there (christmas presents, activities, etc). Acknowledging that there were good points will show you that the resentment you feel is only due to your family's attitude and not what they have done for you (if that makes sense).

Unfortunately the only thing I can think of mentioning is that even though your parents have done you a terrible injustice by making you feel unloved do your best to not let it define you. A lot of the time, when you harbor such a deep and intense emotional scar, it's kind of like drinking poison and hoping the other person dies. It's definitely stressing you out much more than it is them and so really the best thing that you can do for yourself is to put some much needed distance and show that you don't need their favoritism to have a happy and successful life. I would also consider a bit of therapy maybe just to let a professional help you walk through your memories and help categorize and lead you through the letting go aspects. It may be a sore spot for quite some time but with distance comes perspective and with time comes healing.

Best of luck!

[Koko2]

I'm in a similar situation, and it isn't fun, but just make the most of what you have. Adult sibling rivalry is seldom discussed but can be more damaging than the childhood variety.

I was my mom's least favorite child. (There were 4 of us.) She had a grudge against her oldest brother and took the grudge out on me because I was the first born. Aunts, Uncles and cousins have said things to me over the years to try to console me but that has not helped much. I remain deeply scarred.

Here's my recommendation: Always make sure your chin us up and your shoulders are back to physically demonstrate your emotional strength and self worth. Don't engage the family in discussions about the past because they will not stick up for you. Hold on to your truth but don't keep arguing and asking for put downs and the like. When I realized that when Mom asked me how I was all she wanted to hear was "fine" then that's all I would tell her. It's their loss if they don't bother to get to know you well.

I suggest that you find / make a group of close knit friends who can serve as a second family. I think you will find that much more rewarding.

[PurpleViolet]

Wow, thank you all for your help/support. I am going to follow your suggestions and hopefully I can tone down the anger/bitterness before it damages my health. And yes, this is an issues that rarely gets talked about sadly.