My family won't stop fighting. My mom is always working and my dad gets angry very easily. I can't take it anymore. They yell at me and my sister when we have done nothing wrong. It is like walking on eggshells in my house. They have also said some pretty mean things to me that do not help my self-esteem issues.
Here's a list of some of the worst:
I will not have a disturbed child
For all I care you are no longer part of this family
It is all your fault
(Curse word I can not say, starts with f) you
You should be more like your sister
You are destroying this family

I have had enough of this. I cry myself to sleep every night because we are falling apart. I fear my own dad because he can get really angry. My mom cares more about our house then spending time with my sister and I. They all drop the blame on me and I don't know what I have done wrong but please help me or I will lose my mind.

[redbandit]

You haven't done anything wrong people like to lash out at others, when THEY are the ones having problems . Is there anyone that you can talk to in person about this? Like maybe an aunt or uncle?

[Open Eyes]

(((Rainyo))),

I am so sorry your parents fight a lot and take their anger and frustrations out on you. It sounds like they are unhappy in their relationship, are stressed out and insecure. If a mother cares too much about her house that is a sign that she is very unhappy and is trying to make up for it by continuously fixing or trying to control her environment. Some women do not even realize these behavior patterns come into play when they feel threatened, unsafe, stressed and insecure. It sounds to me like your parents also have low self esteem too.

I am so sorry because when parents get caught up in this kind of dysfunction and confusion, they don't really realize how damaging that is for their children to live with.

Are you seeing a therapist? If not, you should spend time with your school counselor who may have some tips for you on helping yourself feel safer and also be able to realize this is not your fault. You do need to reach out for some support, it's time for you to learn how to do that for yourself. You need to learn how not to self punish, but instead develop strong self soothing and healthier self caring techniques that are better for your mind and body and will get stronger as you practice these techniques.

You need to learn that when someone has parents that are dysfunctional like this, it is never your fault or anything you did wrong, it is all about their inadequacy and lack of good parental skills. You are not alone with this challenge, it happens a lot unfortunately.

(((Caring Hugs)))
OE

[IWonderIf]

Dear Rainyo,

Please understand this BEFORE reading any further - I AM NOT advocating that you call Child Protective Services about what you've posted. I am telling you this IN AN OVERABUNDANCE of caution as somebody who cares about you and your sister and your personal safety. I AM trying to INFORM you JUST IN CASE things get worse.

Know you are supported both emotionally and otherwise. Know that most if not all parents have problems at one time or another and "vent," however unintentionally, on their kids. Rough patches are rough patches, and sometimes we just have to get through them.

I don't know how old you are or if you would want to go this way if you can, but most schools have counselors or social workers who if nothing else can provide an adult ear that will listen and try to help you cope. Please be aware though that if they think you are in an abusive situation (which can include emotional as well as physical abuse) they are mandatory reporters (as are teachers in many states).

Friends and peers are also "go to" people in many cases like these. How's your personal support system outside of the home?

As redbandit says, "you haven't done anything wrong." Don't carry their (your parent's) baggage for them, you have enough of your own in trying to cope with what sounds like (for now) a dysfunctional family system. Be sure to keep yourself and your sister physically safe - that is paramount. MANY parents under stress lash out at whoever is handy (I mean verbally) - it's NOT by any means an indication that things are going to get physical.

BUT, if they do then find a trusted adult and clue them in. Again, you have to be careful about who you tell because they may decide it's necessary to involve Child Protection Services or whatever it is called in your state, and that can get very complicated.

ALL THIS BEING SAID, your sister's and your own personal safety is paramount. If it gets to be abusive, you can call the National Child Abuse Hotline at 1-800-4-A-CHILD and speak to a counselor 24/7.

If you don't want them knowing your telephone number dial *67 before you dial the number and your caller id should be blocked. There WILL NOT be a charge for the call on your telephone bill if you use a regular phone or a pay phone. If you use a mobile phone or cell phone, there may be a charge and it may show up on the telephone bill.

Don’t use a mobile or cell phone if you want to be sure your call is a secret.

Their site has a "for kids" section that says the following:
Help For Kids

What You Should Know

• No one has the right to abuse you.
• You don’t deserve to be abused.
• If you are being abused, you are a victim.
• It’s not your fault that you are being treated this way.
• It is wrong that you are suffering this pain, fear or sadness.
• You are not alone. Other kids suffer abuse, too.
• Sometimes abusers scare or threaten kids so they won’t tell.
• There are people who care about you and want to help you.
• If you are being abused, please tell a safe person – that’s someone you can trust like a teacher, counselor, school nurse, neighbor or parent. You can also talk to a Childhelp hotline counselor.

CALL 1-800-4-A-CHILD (1-800-422-4453) then push 1 to talk to a hotline counselor. The Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. The hotline counselors work with translators who speak 170 languages to help callers who speak a language other than English. All calls are anonymous. (The Hotline counselors don’t know who you are and you don’t have to tell them.)
How to protect yourself from abuse

Do not be alone with anyone who hurts you.

Listen to the little voice or gut feeling inside you when it says that what is being done to you isn’t right.

Find an adult you trust and tell them what is happening. If they don’t believe you, keep telling other adults until someone does believe you!

The adult you talk to about your abuse (perhaps a teacher or a neighbor) may want to tell the Police or Child Protective Services about the person who is hurting you.

If you are too nervous or scared to tell someone you know about the abuse, but want it reported to the people who look into child abuse, call 1-800-4-A-CHILD (1-800-422-4453), then press 1. A Childhelp Hotline counselor can make a three-way call so that you, the Hotline counselor, and the person taking the report in your area are all on the telephone at the same time.

Before you call to make the report, the Hotline counselor can tell you what may happen after a report of abuse is made.

I wish you well my young friend. It sounds like times at home are rougher than anybody, your folks included, deserve. I suggest the hotline as a way to speak to a trained adult anonymously since sometimes it's difficult or embarrassing to talk to someone you know, or you are afraid someone might "drop a dime" on your folks and then "you'd be in worse shape."

It's difficult to say what to do except "hang in there" and know that here are supportive people and resources to draw upon.

Keep sane but above all keep safe.

[Rose76]

Sounds like your parents are way out of line. Unfortunately, when you are young, you depend on getting supported by someone. But that is a condition that time will change. You won't have to be there forever.

The post above gives you specific advice on getting help. It's good for you to know that you can call someone. You might want to ask yourself if things are bad enough that you would rather live in a foster family setting. There is no guarantee that such a placement wouldn't come with big problems of its own.

Sometimes people under stress say ridiculous things that do not reflect what they truly believe. Your parents sound like they are not handling the stresses of their lives very well, and I suspect they are immature people. It may be on you to become "the adult in the room." That's awfully unfair to a kid, but sometimes that's just how it is. Build up your network of support as best you can, among others your age and any trustworthy adults you can talk to. Sorry you are dealing with this. The good thing is that you have enough on the ball to know there is something wrong with your parents' behavior.

Thank you Iwonderif. I do not believe it will come to that but just in case thank you.

[hamster-bamster]

Mom and Dad,

Here's a list of some of the worst utterances that I have heard from you recently:
I will not have a disturbed child
For all I care you are no longer part of this family
It is all your fault
(Curse word I can not say, starts with f) you
You should be more like your sister
You are destroying this family

I have had enough of this. I cry myself to sleep every night because we are falling apart. I fear Dad because he can get really angry. Mom - you care more about our house then spending time with my sister and me. You both drop the blame on me and I know full well that I have down nothing wrong and nothing to deserve this kind of treatment.

At the end my rope, I have started considering options, because, to be honest with you, even living in a foster home seems not so bad when compared to the kind of existence I have been leading in our house.

I am not there yet, but I am considering applying for assistance from Child Protective Services. I know how to do that, but, as I said, am not there yet.

I sincerely hope that the atmosphere in our household will soon become peaceful and jovial. Please help me by being considerate and caring. Please no more verbal abuse, unfair and false accusations

etc etc etc

[IWonderIf]

Originally Posted by Rainyo23

Thank you Iwonderif. I do not believe it will come to that but just in case thank you.

Neither do I... I hope and pray. Like the poster after me said, you have to weigh the possible outcomes and decide if potentially winding up in foster care wouldn't be worse.

That being said, if you call the hotline anonymously and not on a cell phone so there's no record of the call, you can still talk to someone without identifying yourself or filing a complaint. It's more immediate and interactive than here online, and the people you talk to would be trained in issues such as these.

But if you call be real clear with them that you do / do not wish to file a complaint and don't let them talk you into something you don't want to do. I'm not saying they will try, I'm just saying you're being pushed around as it is... so make your own choices not somebody else's.

It's rough - I really know where you're coming from. I also know there's nothing worse than being told some of the things you've been told by the people you love and trust and who are supposed to be taking care of you not dragging you down

You aren't the only person ever to have been told such things by a parent... really KNOW that!

Don't believe it... don't internalize their **** / make those words a part of how you see yourself no matter how many times or how nasty they get in repeating them. It's not as easy as it sounds when it's over and over and over again - you do it unconsciously - boy do I know it! But you can't live it as though it were true or it'll just make life suck for a long long time.

Been there ... trust me... don't believe it no matter how many times you hear it.

Illegitimum non carborundum - "Don't let the bastards get you down!"

This too shall pass, and if it doesn't well then now you know you have options!

PS. As much as I like the "letter to Mom and Dad" the 2nd poster after me put up, it's probably as nuclear if not more so an option than actually reporting your folks to CPS (at least in my opinion). If I'd have sent it to my parents they would NOT have taken a minute to stop and think, "God, what're we doing to our kids?" My folks would have rocket shipped me to the Moon or Mars, forget foster care!

Maybe if you edited out, or changed these lines:

"At the end my rope, I have started considering options, because, to be honest with you, even living in a foster home seems not so bad when compared to the kind of existence I have been leading in our house.

I am not there yet, but I am considering applying for assistance from Child Protective Services. I know how to do that, but, as I said, am not there yet."

-----

My parents would have read those; handed me a phone; then dialed the number!

For my money, those lines are words you don't say unless you are ready to pick up the cell phone and hit speed dial. Not when the people you are saying them to are acting irrationally to begin with. You might wind up triggering even more irrational behavior if you say things like that.

I know what the poster was trying for though, and with that I agree. Trying to get across to your folks, who aren't acting rationally from what you've described, just how seriously this is affecting you and your sister.

Talk about "walking on eggshells!" Now you've got me all wondering just how on Earth, if I were you, I'd phrase that communication! I see what you mean / sympathize all the more. It's like just wtf do you say to get your point across that will actually get through to people who clearly are missing the plot!

Good luck. Don't internalize. Stay strong!

[hamster-bamster]

Indeed you have to be prepared to follow through, as otherwise the letter would become an empty threat. but that is a general rule in life - do not make empty threats. Prepare to follow through.