[LadyShadow]

So I'm on the Eharmony right? And the bipolar insane person comes out.

I met this guy. We go through all the stages of communication and we finally get to the emails section of the communication process. We exchange friendly emails and get to know one another. Red flag: he starts with the personal questions. "Do you have any guy friends and are you and your ex still friends?"

I being honest and blunt as heck, say yes I have guy friends and my ex is my best friend. Wrong move girlie. But for me, its my right. And I am angry. So dam angry at the whole thing. Why is it we have to hide who we are just for the sake of a date? Yes me and my ex didn't work romantically, but why must I hide him?

Anyway, its 5 a.m. and I am still angry about it. He also has major trust issues too. Both his exes cheated on him and all of a sudden that baggage became my problem. His last line of the email he wrote to me was:

I am sorry if I am making this hard but I don't know anymore. How can I know if someone is not lying and being sneaky?"

I am so angry, I want to punch a wall. Why do I keep meeting guys like this? Maybe I should go outside and mingle with the Three Dimensional Vertical people.

I know it doesn't help right now, but it might help later, to think you might have dodged a bullet here. That guy sounds like a control freak in the making. You're better off saving your energy for someone who will accept you for you, and not who he wants you to be.

For what it's worth, I'm so messed up myself, Eharmony wouldn't accept me. They turned me down flat. I met my husband online, but on a site other than Eharmony or Match.com. It wasn't even a dating site.

[marmaduke]

say yes I have guy friends and my ex is my best friend.
If a bloke said to me he had 'girl friends' and his ex was his best mate it would put me off.
I would think 'where is he coming from'
I would feel insecure.
Often you have to choose, would you really want your new b/f to have g/fs? How would you feel if he said I'm going out with my 'best friend' tonight, my ex. Would that make you feel insecure?

I tried Eharmony. I got an e-mail saying they 'had no matches for me at this time, but not to be upset'

[Middlemarcher]

Some people will be ok with you having guy friends and exes who are friends. Those are apparently the people that you personally want to date. So thank your lucky stars that you weeded this one out early.

While you don't have to put all of yourself out there right away, I do not think that it is generally best to "hide things for the sake of a date." If you want to meet someone that you are compatible with, then that would be working at cross purposes with your goal.

I have opposite-gender friends, and am friends with my ex. Same for my significant other. No trust issues. Compatibility is a good thing.

I don't agree that it was a red flag. I think he just wanted to know. Now that you know how he feels about it, and he has trust issues (which I'm finding out myself, I got serious wayyy to quickly about someone that was honest about a relationship he had been in for a year, to find out the woman he had last been in a relationship with, was married and going home to her husband, sorry to add, but I realized after how stupid this man was not to figure that out sooner). All men who are looking have been burned before, or they wouldn't be looking.

Its not unfortunate in a way, that you talked your way out of a possible date. But what I'm learning, gradually, is to cut the communication much shorter, and just get the guy to meet me. If there's any spark, common interests, common goals, etc., you then ask how HIS last relationship, or marriage ended. That way you get a feel, and the red flags will be if he is keeping any negativity towards the last relationship that ended.

That would be the last thing you want, is someone to use you, like my man did, to get back at women in general, because of his trust issue with women. I feel for you, because I know how easy it is to start letting our feelings get involved with a man, and it hurts to be rejected because you are honest.

People want honesty, and you did the right thing. This man has issues, and you don't need them. It's actually a great thing on your part to be able to be friends with your ex, not all relationships are possible to be ending in friendship. You do need to be clear though, with a man, why you remain close to your ex. I think it's perfectly fine to have other gender friends. If that man couldn't accept that, it's his issue, not yours.

Hugs to you. You'll get over the anger and hurt soon hopefully, it can be hard to put yourself out there, but I find it is either keep doing it, or totally isolate myself, which I'm not willing to do. What I am willing to accept, is that I will be rejected, and to get a tougher skin.

[healingme4me]

It's a deal breaker for some. Not even just about trust, but there's, in my mind and inability to step further, deeper into a meaningful relationship. Guy probably was burned before,as have I.

It didn't come across, to me, what he wrote, anything less than asserting/addressing his needs and wants.

Sorry, it burned you. Doesn't make him a control freak. Sorry, personally, I'm not all for ex gfs being a daily presence in my mans life. Doesn't make me insecure, just means he's emotionally tied down to another, if that's how it's going to be. Is it fair to this man, that you are more involved with an ex emotionally?

Sent from my LG-MS910 using Tapatalk 2

[chromegirl]

As someone who has a pretty ok relationship with my ex, I think you and this guy simply aren't in the right place to go any further. He has trust issues and you have a relationship with your ex that you are comfortable with. He can't handle that, and that's not to say that he is wrong or bad or anything, it just is what it is.

I have been through the whole online thing and yeah, it is tough. Oh, I have stories, lol. But when it comes to sharing the nature of my relationship with anyone I have dated, I tread carefully. If I were asked what you were asked, I'd say, yes, I have a good relationship with my ex, but I wouldn't share that he is my bestie. I think it can be off-putting even to the coolest of guys. I think to say it is "good" is enough at the very early stages where you are. If you are in sync in other ways and continue to get to know each other, then that comes out in due course.

[marmaduke]

Not many men are happy if their g/f has loads of guy mates.
Not many women are happy if their guy has loads of girl mates.

[LadyShadow]

Thanks for all of the responses, it was well thought out. I especially like the one that said I shouldn't have said my ex was my "bestie". That probably wasn't smart.

It still upsets me, but I am thinking about it. He wrote in an email that he "didn't like my tone and we aren't dating and he's already getting attitude from me" Two valid points by that way.

I appreciate all the comments and replies though to this thread. Maybe I am not ready to enter the dating world. Me and my ex (my best friend) don't have any romantic connections. During the two years we were together we never had sex and it was never intimate. It was always like we were just two friends that hugged on his couch. He was not a romantic and he didn't love me, that's why we broke up. I didn't need sex to love him. but I realized as time went on, that emotional sexual connection is very important.

I don't want to go explaining that whole detail to a potential suitor, but I think it was wrong of me to mention he was my best friend. Guys don't like to hear that. But I am glad I found this out about him now rather than later. I did dodge a bullet. We aren't compatible. I guess Eharmony matched me up with the wrong person. You guys were right. Thanks for all the responses.

[Silent Void]

Platinum, I met a psychopath who murdered his horse to impress me. What you experienced was bad, but it can get worse.

You shouldn't have to hide for a date. Best to move on to the next guy on the list.

[yumi]

Hold out and wait for a partner who will accept you for who YOU are. You are worth it. Never sell yourself short, otherwise they just end up trying to change you and once they do that, the relationship is doomed anyway. Be Choosey. Its OK to be who YOU are in this world.

I've made this mistake over and over again, settling, I mean....it never, ever worked plus, with my MI, it just in turn made ME worse and taking things out on ,myself and self-punishing. Its just not a good mix all I ever wanted was to be loved for who I am. I never found it. I always had to change this or that or be bashed over the head with pressure to do or perform things that was against my beliefs. The lack of respect for basic things spun me out of control, because I believed something was fundamentally wrong with me for even having the beliefs I had. I always thought I just wasn't good enough. Ever.

[yumi]

Originally Posted by Silent Void

Platinum, I met a psychopath who murdered his horse to impress me. What you experienced was bad, but it can get worse.

You shouldn't have to hide for a date. Best to move on to the next guy on the list.

Holy Crap on a cracker! A horse? I am soooooo sorry this happened to you and the poor horse I feel like crying

[Silent Void]

Originally Posted by yumi

Holy Crap on a cracker! A horse? I am soooooo sorry this happened to you and the poor horse I feel like crying

I was stunned. I never went back to the eHarmony site after that.

[LadyShadow]

Originally Posted by yumi

Hold out and wait for a partner who will accept you for who YOU are. You are worth it. Never sell yourself short, otherwise they just end up trying to change you and once they do that, the relationship is doomed anyway. Be Choosey. Its OK to be who YOU are in this world.

I've made this mistake over and over again, settling, I mean....it never, ever worked plus, with my MI, it just in turn made ME worse and taking things out on ,myself and self-punishing. Its just not a good mix all I ever wanted was to be loved for who I am. I never found it. I always had to change this or that or be bashed over the head with pressure to do or perform things that was against my beliefs. The lack of respect for basic things spun me out of control, because I believed something was fundamentally wrong with me for even having the beliefs I had. I always thought I just wasn't good enough. Ever.

You know, I'm sitting here questioning myself. I can't think straight. You are absolutely right about not settling. I keep ignoring my gut instinct that is just telling me this guy isn't right for me. We aren't compatible! Get that through your head girl! That's what's going on in my head now. You are right. All you guys have been absolutely right.

I have to end things. I really do. I can't settle for someone who wants to change me. It will never happen.

[LadyShadow]

Originally Posted by Silent Void

Platinum, I met a psychopath who murdered his horse to impress me. What you experienced was bad, but it can get worse.

You shouldn't have to hide for a date. Best to move on to the next guy on the list.

That's just crazy!

In the remark about, "you're already giving me attitude," I still think it sounds like HE has issues. That's over and above whether YOU are ready to date.

Here's my date from hell story. We met through toll-free telephone personals, what they had before the internet. You called a toll-free line to leave a voice message, but if you wanted to answer one, it was charged to your phone bill.

Well, first he told me he was a singer and guitarist in a local country band. I had mentioned a love of country music; I'm sure that was only a coincidence. So I got to his apartment (bad move, never go to somebody's apartment on a first date) and there is no guitar in the place. He says it's in the shop being restrung. Number one, having a good many guitarists in my family, I know any musician worth half of a damn can restring his own instrument. Sending it to a shop for that purpose is like having an electrician change your light bulb. Two, if ever a guitar does need to go to a shop for repairs, any professional would have a backup instrument. Three, in a discussion on music, he argued with me and said no, absolutely not, it never happens, no song ever changes key in the middle of it. Ha! It's called modulation. A form of it that's common in classic country music, TV Tropes refers to as a Truck Driver's Gear Change. Again, any professional would know better. Four, when I heard him sing along with the radio, it was painfully obvious he was tone deaf.

All of this was my first warning that things weren't as they should be, as he had plainly lied to me about who he was. Sure enough... he tricked me into spending the night by deliberately keeping me there past the time the last bus had left--oops, that's right, you're not familiar with this part of the city, and you don't know the buses stop a little earlier than where you live. I'm afraid you're stranded here for the night. Sorry. Well, I'm not *really* sorry, because (trigger warning; I'll put it delicately but white it out just in case.) having you here means I won't take no for an answer. I've picked up on your chronic victim vibe, and I fully intend to take every advantage of it. I'm going to hound you until you let me have my way, even if I have to keep you awake all night to wear you down.

He had no telephone; he answered my ad from a friend's house and put it on his bill. Cell phones weren't in common use yet. I was stuck, and had no means of calling the police. Yeah, I probably could have run out of there screaming and banged on a neighbor's door for help, but I didn't think about that until years later. When you're accustomed to being a victim, those things don't enter your mind. You don't know how to protect yourself. No one ever taught you. Life has led you to believe that these things are going to happen, and you can't stop them, so like the dogs in the learned helplessness experiment, you sit there whimpering, accepting the shocks, not knowing you're actually free to run away.

To top it all off, the next morning at the corner drug store, he bit the clerk's head off because they had run out of his favorite brand of chewing tobacco. ONLY that variety of that brand would do. Substitutions were not allowed. At the time I still smoked, so I started to buy a pack of cigarettes, and he wouldn't let me. "Uh-uh! If I gotta suffer, you gotta suffer."

It was the last I ever saw of him.

Relating the experience so people know not to do what I did. Don't go to someone else's apartment on a first date. Meet in a neutral location with plenty of means of escape. If you don't drive, don't ever be in a part of the city you don't know, without first studying the bus schedules. Now that cell phones have been invented, never go into an uncertain situation without one. And, unless he has a weapon aimed at you, if there are people around, you can always run away screaming.