[Scone]

I really need help, I think

I can't seem to get over the fact that my boyfriend (who is older than me) has been with other women. It kills me whenever I think about it. It's not a matter of comparing our pasts - I'm a lot more inexperienced than he is but that in itself doesn't bother me. Just.. imagining him with other women, having been intimate with them, wanting them, having that sort of history with them.. Not to mention he's been married. Having had that kind of.. intimacy before with someone who isn't me, I can't stand the thought of it. I torture myself thinking about it to make myself feel bad.

A lot of this crops up at weird moments, and I don't really talk about it. I have expressed this insecurity before though, and he thinks I will grow more comfortable with it with time. He has also reassured me many times, but I know he can't do more than that. It's my issue. And I know it's a matter of perspective, I just can't seem to shift it in a way that makes this sort of thing not matter anymore..

Does anyone feel the same way? If it stopped.. what helped?

[Daylight003]

Hi there*

I don't think you are alone. I know I've personally felt this way as well at some point in time. But I think as the older you get, the more unlikely it is that you're going to find a guy that hasn't been involved with someone else at some point.

Overall, I don't mean this to come across as harsh, but such feelings are just our insecurities talking. Yes he was romantically involved with those women, but just remember, he is no longer with them now. Whatever he had with them is in the past, and he's here now in the present because he wants to be with you - not them, you.

Let me tell you something that may possibly help you out here. It is from my understanding/experience that most guys, when it comes to relationships, live in the present. (Girls, on the other hand, tend to live in the past, present and future.) So although he shares a history with them, his feelings for them are not at the forefront of his brain. A man tends to enter a new relationship with a clean slate/ a fresh start. So everything you do together from here on out, he won't think 'I remember the first time I went here or did this with 'x'', no, he is only thinking about you, in the here and in the now.

I'm not sure if this is making much sense.. but I hope some of what I have said helps you out in some way. Trying to understanding other people and social behaviour/situations is a great way to make sense of where your own thoughts & feelings lie. This is what worked for me at least.

*hugs* - Daily

[babyfirefly]

I'm going through something similar, but my boyfriend continually plays Xbox with this girl who recently split up with her ex....who also played Xbox with him. And I seen she sent him message with kisses on it, and I flipped. Nut it's his lack of spending time with me but willing to laugh, joke and spend hours every day with her has caused me to go crazy and I mean I have gone proper crazy on him.....I'm convinced they are up to something. He swears he isn't but I just can't shake it. But I'm trying to remember he lives with me. It's only my crazy brain that has fabricated all these things they have been doing behind my back. It's tough to shake those feelings and thoughts. I feel your pain just now, everytime I bring it up he tells,me to deal with my own stuff and he's going to play with her anyway.....that just sets me off again.....it's horrible keeping it all inside. Hope you find peace soon. My thoughts are with you x

[Daylight003]

@babyfirefly

Hmmm unfortunately I think your situation is slightly different.. I think it is a perfectly reasonable reaction for someone to feel 'somewhat' threatened when their current partner is still friends with an ex of theirs. This however, doesn't automatically mean that something is going on here - that he/she is definitely cheating or is going to cheat. But yes it can lead to mistrust and frustration, which can then push people apart.

A key factor in any successful relationship is good communication and a willingness to compromise with one another. Whether or not it's fair to ask a partner to end a friendship based on the terms that it makes you feel uncomfortable is debatable, but they should at least be willing to acknowledge your feelings and to try and understand your predicament.

If this is his reaction -"I feel your pain just now, everytime I bring it up he tells,me to deal with my own stuff and he's going to play with her anyway....."

Either, and I don't mean to sound harsh here, but either you have constantly expressed your uneasy feelings about the situation and he, in his state of mind, is objecting to this feeling of being pressurised/control by someone, in this instance you, (men generally dislike the feeling of a loss of 'freedom'), -and if this is the case, there is probably nothing going on here, he enjoys her company as a friend, and just views her as a 'game buddy'. OR, an over the top reaction, and reluctance to corporate could be a sign of guilt.. (I'll give my thoughts on what to do, if this is the case, at the end of this long reply.)

Another point to ad, is that 'kisses' in the country I live in means nothing - although I'm not sure about where you're from.. Additionally, if the girl happens to like him (not saying she does.) He has no control over that, but ofc shouldn't act upon it.

And lastly, I'm sensing what is bothering you the most, is the fact that he's spending a lot of time with this girl, and not so much time with you, which, I think, is the main source of your discomfort. The large majority of us would ofc feel the same..

In my opinion, what worked for me, and it's much easier said than done, but you need to care less/give him his space. And as bad as this sounds, it is very much true, if someone is going to cheat, they're going to cheat. There is nothing you can do about it. I mean, theoretically, you could spy on them, shout at them, tell them to never look at another man/women again but if they want to cheat, rest assured they will find a way to do it. The only thing that stops people cheating, generally speaking, is love and respect for a person. (So if they do cheat anyway, theoretically you're better off without them, as if someone truly cared for you, they wouldn't cheat in the first place..)

I know this sounds all very negative.. hadn't meant for the conversation to end on this note, but my point is, you need to try and not let it get to you. Be strong. Be happy as you are. Men take notice of a women's inner confidence. If a women shows that she can manage just fine without him, a man is more likely to work harder for her affection. He'll see spending time with her as valuable, fun & relaxing, rather than the opposite in where a person reacts negatively.

Final Note: I'll be honest and say, if you give him his space, probably one of either two things will happen. He'll either drift away & in effect you guys will drift apart (no longer continue a relationship). Or, after some time of this distant behaviour, he'll essentially 'come back to you'. Overall though, respect & space is more likely to equal a more positive result than to do the opposite.

Ps. This is just my personal opinion to the matter. But I hope it helps. Good luck

[arachnophobia.kid]

I deal with jealousy too and it used to be much more severe. I know how you feel, it's the worst, but I can tell you that it's gotten much better for me over the years and I know it can for you too.

I suggest that you do some research on jealousy and make sure you understand what it is. Search up "overcoming jealousy", I found a lot of help from doing that.

Know that you can overcome this! It may take a long time and it may be a painful journey but if you put the effort in you will eventually figure out how to deal with it appropriately. Best of luck to you.

[healingme4me]

All I can think of, is that it will get better with age. It's a matter of trusting that you bring something unique and beautiful to the present, that clearly didn't exist from his past.

Trust me, men like the new women better than the old lovers, and usually, for women, it's mutual.

Keep your chin up.

[Tiger Dust]

I've had that issue before and it pretty much ruined my relationship.

I don't know any way to get past it than to just split up and try again.