This is too much- I screw up all relationships

I posted earlier about a girl I had to break it off with and we understood and we said we could be friends. It was a long distant relationship and her mother passed.

I went and screwed it up. I regretted it but never ask to try to try again or anything. She went distant as expected and didnt respond anymore. I have problems with fear of rejection and abandoment issues although I am the one who called it off. Basically I blew her phone up and acted hurt, pressured etc.

I have borderline personality disorder and I am a 38 year old male, and I cant shake it and cant make relationships work at all and all I want is a family. It way to rough when I expose myself and truly push girls away of fear. I cant trust either.

Today I scared myself. I wrote a 5 page suicide note and still want to do it but cant bring myslef to do it.

I am sorry your going through this. I have issues with relationships as well. I just broke up with my bf a couple of days ago b/c I cant love him the way that he needs to be lovwd or give him the attention that he seeks. It's tough, too b/c he is the most loving, sweet, caring guy that I have ever met, let alone been with. He loves me so much and was so good to me and did everything he could to try to make me happy, but I'm not happy with myself, so nothing ever worked. I feel terrible.

Please don't go through with it. There is so much to live for. You can have a happy and healthy relationship. They take time, work, and great communication. Be patient. It will come when the time is right

Are you in therapy?

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I am in DBT group every week and therapist each week as well.

Just keep at it and keep working on yourself. Discuss these issues with ur therapist.

The right relationship will happen when the time is right. Just use the past ones as a learning experience. Hang in there. :-)

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I am sorry that you are struggling right now. if you aren't in therapy, perhaps now is a good time to get yourself a therapist. check into dbt. it is an excellent treatment for dealing with bpd. it will help you better manage your feelings when it comes to relationships. take care.

Suicide is a one way street. Even in the blackest of times there is the possibility that you could turn your life round and enjoy the rest of it. The inevitable comes to us all but why preempt it and lose the chance of happiness in what is left of it. I've certainly thought of it more than once and used the mindset 'well, i'm going to die anyway so what does it matter' and existentially speaking that is probably equally valid.. Pessimist , optomist or realist?. Glass half full or glass half empty. I want to enjoy the rest of my life. I've recently met someone with whom i want to share it with and i want us to do so much together. Yesterday i spent the whole day in good company birdwatching, sunny, not a cloud in the sky and i felt glad to be alive. I want more of those moments. i'm tearing up cos that is quite a change in my psyche and quite emotional. I wish you well. Love and peace xx

Please don't