i needed a nurturing husband

I was bullied all my life. I did not keep that a secret from my husband.
I needed to be nurtured and accepted for who I was and I needed that unconditional love that I was accepted and loved for who I was.
I was to the point in my life to where I was truly broken in spirit and just wanted to finally be cherished for who I was without being demanded to change this or change this about myself. I wanted to flourish and blossom into my potential, with someone truly by my side. I got to the point to where I lost it and began to not only fight back in the wrong ways, but also, I began to self punish and harm.

I'm not sure what he expected the outcome to be when he constantly berated in my head that he wanted threesomes, shoving porn down my throat, then hiding it...his constant womanizing, lustful flirting right in front of my face, the passive-aggression, the lying, the coming home so late after work hours were done and subsequent cheating.

I suppose, I viewed things like this as a form of bullying. I slowly and steadily lost myself into an abyss of self-hatred and self punishment. I lost myself completely.

I was good enough to bare this man his children, yet not good enough to truly be unconditionally loved.

I was already fragile enough as it was. I had no idea just how close to insanity edge I really teetered on.

After years of asking for marriage counceling, was he really that surprised and confused when I got up and walked out when the very first time we went in all he could complain about was how badly he wanted me to agree to yet again change who I was and purchase and wear a red wig in the bedroom? Here we went again....I got the message that I was not good enough just the way that I was. I felt ugly, hideous, unacceptable. All I wanted was to be loved for who I was, unconditionally.

My madness thru those years grew and brewed. I was not perfect, nor was I a saint. I know I didn't handle things the way I should have and am repemtant for my own actions.

Yet, he claimeded the position of the hero and saint and never truly looked at how he contributed to the devastating break up of the family. I lost my sanity, that's all how people ever view me.

Why could he not nurture the marriage? Why was I so unacceptable with my own heart and beauty ? Why was I always being given the message I just didn't measure up?

I was a good mother....I completely lost myself and ability to even mother.

My children have no idea the WHYS....

I fell into the most terrible madness that still grips me to this day.

I'm not blaming my husband fully, he is not 100% to blame. I know I am just as much to blame.

I just wish I were nurtured and unconditionally loved. I know every human needs that to flourish and blossom. If I were, it very well may have made a difference.

Mmmm ... it's true that a marriage takes two people and one isn't to blame for everything and the other guiltless ... BUT

You aren't to blame for him cheating. That is a huge failure on his part. That, to me, is the most dishonorable thing a man can do.

Everyone, including yourself, deserves to be treated with respect and dignity. You have a lot to work through. Accept responsibility for your mistakes, but don't accept responsibility for his.

yumi I can somehow relate to your dilemma on a very personal and emotional level. Not saying my situation was exactly like yours... but the damage is done. Hopefully time will help lessen the bad memories sweetie, so you can again go on with your life. I still hope I can trust someone and be happy one day. Hope you can as well.

I do accept responsibility for my own ways I failed him, of course I do.
Heck, after being raised by parents the way me and my brothers were and the years of being bullied in school, I could not take things anymore and began to lash out myself when I had had enough. I know this was very wrong of me to do. All I was looking for was acceptance and unconditional love for who I was. Ihave never found that in my life so far. Something was always just not good enough for everyone. It spiraled me downward, down, down, down....until I finally believed in the ,messages they were giving me. Unworthy, unloved, unaccepted. My mind finally snapped and I have never truly recovered nor do I think I really ever will. 40+ years of getting the ,message one is just not good enough, does its lasting damage. I'm exhausted and am ready to be free.

I am thrilled and happy that one of my brothers came out of our childhood so strong and happy. Sadly, my other brother and I just never recovered. God rest his sweet soul.

I finally got to the point to where I blocked things from my mind. It was the only defence I had left. Somethings were just too painful to think about. I also got to the point to where I would not show even emotion, because I suppose if I allowed those feelings to come to the surface, I would break in half.

I'm broken anyway, so I don't know why I still try to block things out.

Pikku, I hope you can find someone you can trust with your entire soul. Take your time in your search and guard your heart until you find the right person. I'm sure if you give yourself patience, you will indeed find that person.

Dearest Yumi,
YOU are beautiful. YOU are beautiful just as you are.
You just married a man who wasn't worthy of all that you give.
He has a sexual sickness and chooses this over you.
YOU are young enough to start anew but you need support.
You dont need to tarnish your children with the details but you need to talk with others who understand.
Love yourself. If you can go out and get a massage, therapy, if you would like to share there is a group I started it is called,
A Sanctuary for Friends of Angels
You are not alone
H.

There are people out there (men mostly) that are obsessed with demeaning women. I for one have never thought of it as "normal" or a part of normal sex. I dated a woman in my 20's who told me that a guy she dated was obsessed with strippers and all things porno movie related. When her and I "bonded" I noticed that she could not let go of the things from her old relationship. She would start pole dancing in the bedroom (I giggled and told her it does nothing for me) then she wanted to do these porno movie things (not sure how to explain it but you would know it when you see it) and I giggled again and said it's funny but something I need. I told her smiles and loving looks are what "do it for me" and those take time to develop and you all you have to do is be yourself.

Sadly she broke up with me cause I was nuts about gloves and she actually hated them So, in the end I had to assume that I was there to teach her to love herself and teach her that there are other kinds of guys out there. She taught me to enjoy other kinds of movies I had not watched before (romance, romantic comedies) and that surrendering your ego is what a relationship needs to start seeding.

I hope my rambling helps in some way.

Personally for myself I am just over the self protection I don't want to be guarded anymore, I get my feelings hurt alot and mostly over silly things I am tired of it. At this point in my life I think the fear of emotional pain is more damaging than the pain. If I get hurt I can move on and I can be ok am tired of feeling limited because I am scared of being hurt. It doesn't hurt forever anyway.