Breakup.... Needing closure

I've been in a very unstable (verbal/ emotionally abusive) relationship for a little over a year. It has always been rocky, him breaking up with me then crawling back apologizing, me taking him back and loving him fully.

For the past month I have been standing up for myself. I finally had enough. I am finally tired of pretending everything is ok. Yesterday we finally ended it, today is the first day since we met that we have not said a single word to each other.

Of course even though the relationship was rough, and he wasnt very nice to me, I still loved him. Im having a very hard time and feel like i didnt get closure.

How do I do it, im scared that he will try to come back ( even though I want him to badly) and I will take him back and end up hurt again.

I got a job offer 1400 miles away from here, I didnt want to do it alone, but I guess now I will have to, I have to get away from this town, these memories, this hurt.

just looking for someone to talk to that might be able to help me through the grief that I feel

I understand exactly how you feel.

If it hurts, get away. Be nice to yourself. Sounds like you got out of a toxic relationship. Good for you!

You're welcome to talk to me anytime.

I've been in that situation. In a situation like you describe, I don't think it is possible to have that sense of "closure" that you're looking for right away. There is going to be some emotional rawness for awhile. With time though it does get easier. At some time down the line, the whole thing recedes enough into the past to where you kind of close the book on it. In my case, I did end up moving to the next state, and that did really help break those ties that bind. Eventually, your life moves on, and this relationship will belong to history. But if you keep reconciling, then you just stay in that pattern and get nowhere.

If it hasn't been a good relationship, you'll eventually find that you don't miss it as much as you feel you will right now.

By breaking up with him, you are looking after yourself. Your grief will make you a stronger person by teaching you more about yourself, your needs, and your value. We are here to listen. Take care of yourself, and get excited about your new job and new life. Good luck!

Closure is nice, but never needed. "Needing" closure will make it harder for you to move on. I have BPD, and one thing from my recovery process that has made my life much more peaceful is "radical acceptance". If you accept that it is what it is and that it is't healthy, it is easier (but by no means "easy") to let go. His ways probably won't change and you probably won't get any closure from him.

Take the job. I am moving to China all alone. It is a bit scary, but I know that it will be so rewarding to start fresh and rewire my habits.

I just got out of a relationship too. I've had many fall apart here in my town. Staying here would only further the distress I feel from all of these situations.

I can relate to your story and how you are feeling, good luck to you with finding that closure and peace of mind. I think posting your story and how you feel on this site is a good start. Please don't be like me and keep going back, I've been torturing myself now for 5 years. The longer you continue that destructive path, the harder and much more painful it will be to move on and get that closure your heart and mind so desperately needs.

It's difficult at first. Your ex boyfriend's behavior is just like my ex. I didn't realize how often he called the shots until I stopped it. 90+ days of NC and I still am struggling- but i'm doing it.

I keep doing the vicious cycle, when will I stop

People like that tend to be more of an addiction rather than a relationship...I can totally empathize and sympathize with what you're going through. Every day is a struggle for me, and I've been at it for months...of course my relationship/addiction was years in the making.

Don't hurry the process, and don't give up on yourself. As the others suggested, focus on yourself and what you need to be a healthier person, and what you want will come your way naturally.

Don't give up...you can do it. Closure is about endings, and at this point you already have one...on your terms.

Take care

Congrats on the new job and fresh start!