[nocturnalbynature]

Yesterday, I broke up with my fiance because after 9 months of struggling to keep him from drinking, I was so stressed and tired of him sneaking to the bar any time I wasn't with him. I wanted him to want to quit for himself, and I was tired of trying to save him.

He has had a heart transplant, literally a 2nd chance at life. And even that doesn't stop him from wanting to binge drink (the medications he are on makes this more dangerous than it already is). He knows he has a problem and admits it. When we first got together, he asked me to help him stop. I have tried, and it has been really hard and stressful.

I broke up with him because I wanted to be relieved from babysitting him and stopping him from drinking. He went to get a checkup on his heart and wanted to go to the bar immediately upon coming home from the hospital. He didn't go because I basically threatened our relationship if he did.

But just having to threaten and help him is so exhausting, that I just broke up with him anyway. I just wanted relief. I felt like being alone and single would be easier.

Today is the first day he moved out and I've been completely depressed all day. I slept almost 24 hours since yesterday. I forced myself to sleep even while he moved out. I also deleted my facebook out of embarrassment and not wanting to have to answer anyone's questions or see his fb statuses or be tempted to look at hurtful things he might post like flirtations with other girls.

I can't stop crying. I know it was me that broke up, but I feel so alone. I know it's my fault. But I'm still incredibly depressed and am having visions and wishes that I could just die.

It seems I am not meant for relationships, and that makes my life seem empty and worthless. I wonder if I should have just dealt with the alcoholism and watching the love of my life kill himself, just so I would have the feeling of love and companionship.

[berkut]

It seems to me that you have to take care of you here. He made his alcoholism your responsibility- but you could never, never fight it for him. It's just impossible. I'm glad you're here, and I'd like to suggest that you hook up with your local Al-Anon, as well as spending time here. Support and education will be invaluable, even if the relationship is over. Addictions come with certain relationship patterns, and when you can see those patterns you can learn to see yourself and the traits that brought you here in a wiser light.

*hugs* I can't imagine how painful this is for you, and I want you to know that you're not alone. You're not wrong, and you're not alone.

[nocturnalbynature]

Originally Posted by berkut

It seems to me that you have to take care of you here. He made his alcoholism your responsibility- but you could never, never fight it for him. It's just impossible. I'm glad you're here, and I'd like to suggest that you hook up with your local Al-Anon, as well as spending time here. Support and education will be invaluable, even if the relationship is over. Addictions come with certain relationship patterns, and when you can see those patterns you can learn to see yourself and the traits that brought you here in a wiser light.

*hugs* I can't imagine how painful this is for you, and I want you to know that you're not alone. You're not wrong, and you're not alone.

Thank you so much. That is the thought process I used to break up with him. That I needed to take care of me and that I can't fight it for him. But once reality set in, I think I just went into a fearful mode of now I'm alone and I'm afraid to be alone and I totally freaked myself out.

I think Al-Anon is a good idea. I have thought of it on my own but felt intimidated by the thought of actually joining. But when I'm honest with myself I am desperate for some support and education, especially from people who know exactly what I'm going through.

Thank you so much for taking the time to write a response, and for being so supportive. I am feeling more stable now, and your words were very kind and non-judgmental. Being a highly sensitive person I appreciate that immensely.