[prettybear]

Hello,

My boyfriend of only short time (3 months) has schizoaffective disorder. He was manic and hospitalized before we met and fell into a depression about three weeks after we met. He was honest about his condition from the beginning so I knew what I was getting myself into.

He's not on medication and refuses to ever take it, saying it makes him feel worse.

His depression has been getting worse and now he sleeps most of the day. He is struggling with his hygiene and isn't motivated to do normal "life things" like laundry. He's turned down three job offers because he wanted to sleep and he's slept through two job interviews. We don't talk as much as we once did because he sleeps when I'm awake and awake when I'm asleep. We've barely hung out recently (it's been a week and a half since I've seen him).

I'm being as supportive as possible while also telling him that he needs to see his doctors and to get help. He's becoming hostile and stubborn, and now refuses to even see his psychologists. He said he just needs to sleep and he'll feel better (a plan that hasn't been working for a two months).

I don't know what to do at this point. I spend so much time researching his disorder and different meds, but he refuses to try them. He refuses any treatment. I've contacted his mother (he's 21 and lives at home) about my concerns and made it clear that he's approaching a crisis but I don't know if she can be tough with him. My next step is to email his psychologist with my concerns because I'm certain that he downplays the severity at his appointments.

I told him last night that I need a couple days to myself to think about everything. He asked if I was breaking up with him and said he understands if I do, but we both don't want that to happen. The stress is really starting to get to me. I want my old boyfriend back, desperately. I keep waiting for him to come back.

How do I cope with my boyfriend being in such a deep depression? How do I cope with the guy I was recently so head over heels about being so different and unmotivated to do anything (including seeing me)?

[Middlemarcher]

Honestly, this relationship is so new, I wouldn't stay in it. I have MH issues, and so does my significant other, but both of us actively work to stay healthy. I couldn't be with someone who wasn't working hard to be stable and reliable (whether this means working hard in therapy, taking meds, actively working on self-care, whatever). Your "old boyfriend" is only a part of who he is; what you are seeing now is not an aberration, but another important part of who he is. You can't make him take care of himself; he will have to want to do that.

But everyone is different. What I need may not be what you need. But I think you should think carefully about the long term, and whether the caretaker tendencies you seem to be displaying here are ultimately harmful for you. Good luck.

two things. first, what the last poster said.

Second regarding this: "My next step is to email his psychologist with my concerns because I'm certain that he downplays the severity at his appointments."

no. This would be wrong on so many levels. He's hostile already about your mentioning anything to do with getting help so he won't take it well. Second you never should contact anyone's psych (doc or t) without their consent, it's not your business to do so or your place. 3rd, on top of that you've been with him what, 3 months? You aren't even at a level in the relationship that would be a point where even considering to contact his psych would be ok.

After 3 months he is showing hostility toward you, the lack of motivation and possibly ambition.. what is there that would even make it hard to move on?

OK, I suffer from the same thing he does. As far as him not wanting to take medications. Myself personally I feel that he just doesn't want to help himself. I know what its like to spiral down what he is doing. It is not something you want to deal with. Since you have been with him only 3 months. I suggest you break that tie you guys have. Yes you might like him, but I am going to just straight up tell you, if he refuses to get help no matter what anyone says or does. You will NEVER actually have a real relationship of any kind.
As far as contacting his psychologist/T So not a good idea. You think he is hostile towards you now, one of the things with the disorder he suffers from, it can make him extremely violent in the blink of an eye, if he finds out you did something like that. Because the more that the illness is untreated, if he hears voice with the disorder, they can make him turn on you so fast if he doesn't realize that the voices are just voices. you would be putting yourself in harms way.

[prettybear]

Just to clarify, I would NEVER contact his doctor without his permission and without cause. He started talking about ending up dead, so that's why I considered getting his permission to email his doctor. I didn't even talk to his mom without his permission. I understand that that would be a huge breach of trust and would make him resentful. Sorry I didn't make that clear.

And I didn't mean hostile in an angry, violent way. I meant antagonistic and not his usual friendly, lovely self.

I totally realize three months isn't very long and I keep that in mind. If people connect I don't think the length of time they've been together really matters. It will hurt to say goodbye regardless of length of our relationship.

Thanks for everyone's opinions and help!

[prettybear]

He also knows I'm asking for advice on this board. I would never do anything shady or behind someone's back