[penguinh]

Throughout my life, I've unconsciously pushed people away to not feel as much when they leave but for those that have made their ways into my heart, they ALWAYS end up hurting me by leaving me. When everyone that's been significant to me always ends up leaving, it's hard not to think that there's something wrong with me. I think this is the main issue that's holding me back from life. Any advice on how to overcome this and shift the need for security to myself rather than outside sources?

[LaborIntensive]

I've unconsciously pushed people away to not feel as much when they leave

So start treating them as being there forever and making sure you choosing the right people to be there with you. Many people seem to change for the person or persons they are with to "fit in" or be more likeable. The best policy is to be yourself and be honest. You can grow with people and learn new things of course the positive things are the ones to go for the most. Be strong knowing that codependency is not a valued trait that you must be the person you want in your life.

Each time you find that you have done a good thing for yourself or others, take that time to feel proud and realize that this moment is better than anytime you may have not cared for others or yourself.....then celebrate in your heart!

[avlady]

yes you are a good person, and do be yourself.

[penguinh]

Originally Posted by LaborIntensive

So start treating them as being there forever and making sure you choosing the right people to be there with you.

Sorry, dumb question but how does that help? If I treat them as if they'll be there forever, it's just going to tear me apart even more when they leave my life.

[LaborIntensive]

Sorry but living with a paranoid feeling of loss will not accomplish anything. Perhaps being alone is best for you.

[Harmacy]

Have you tried mindfulness? It's not something I'm an expert on but it really helps connect you to the moment and stop fears of what the future holds or getting tied up with past disappointments.

When I look back, the truly happy memories have all been about a single moment. A time when I felt connected and wasn't worrying about things ending but just enjoying things being. Most of the people I was with have now gone from my life but I enjoyed their company while they were here. And I try to be mindful of the fact that lots of long term relationships are far from happy all the time so this idea that we have to keep people with us forever doesn't hold up and can actually lead to insecurities, possessiveness and unhappiness. Allow the right people to stay with you for as long as they want and try to accept that if they leave, it's their choice and if that happens, feel sad then and not now.

It must be the weather today because this isn't the sort of advice I usually give or am able to follow myself. But right now I believe it's the only way to be truly happy .

[unaluna]

I think the feeling of abandonment is a result of incomplete child development at some point. I cant pinpoint when my t fixed it, but i think he did. Things dont seem so scary anymore.

Instead of one extreme or the other, there may be some way to balance it. The way it stands now, EITHER you push people away OR you are devastated when they leave you. The trouble is, this creates a self-fulfilling prophecy, because both the pushing and the clinging will turn people off and make them more likely to want to leave. It's easier said than done, but perhaps developing a disinterest without actively trying to push anybody away might protect your heart a little better.

[jade1172]

Originally Posted by Harmacy

Have you tried mindfulness? It's not something I'm an expert on but it really helps connect you to the moment and stop fears of what the future holds or getting tied up with past disappointments.

When I look back, the truly happy memories have all been about a single moment. A time when I felt connected and wasn't worrying about things ending but just enjoying things being. Most of the people I was with have now gone from my life but I enjoyed their company while they were here. And I try to be mindful of the fact that lots of long term relationships are far from happy all the time so this idea that we have to keep people with us forever doesn't hold up and can actually lead to insecurities, possessiveness and unhappiness. Allow the right people to stay with you for as long as they want and try to accept that if they leave, it's their choice and if that happens, feel sad then and not now.

It must be the weather today because this isn't the sort of advice I usually give or am able to follow myself. But right now I believe it's the only way to be truly happy .

i like thiz...made alot o sense....neva heard it said like that b4...thanx