[PianogirlPlays]

I love and yet have problems communicating hurt feelings with my daughter . She lives pretty far away and we do talk on the phone and I thought I had taken care of my feelings of hurt from her visit a year ago but she is coming again and the old hurt and angry feelings have come back. I did not deal with the feelings back then because I did not want to ruin the visit but now that she is coming I feel like they are a block in my heart. I want it to be a nice visit but I evidently have not really forgiven her for hurting my feelings back then. I have had other pleasant visits with her on the phone and some hurting moments as well . I know that she is a hurting person as well. I do not doubt there have been times when I have truly hurt her as well. One time when I tried to have a discussion with her to try to clear the air all of her hurting feelings just poured out. Some quite unfairly as I had been trying for years to do well in my relationship with her. I am not the only person she has issues with nor is she my only person. We both have experienced really terrible fathers and some violent situations. I think we are hurting people who are hurting people but I wish we could commiserate instead of adding to each others pain in any way shape or form. She doesn't even know that I am struggling with her in my thoughts and therefore feeling pain even in my body. I have tried so hard to maintain good that I have buried this pain and I don't want to hurt her now. I am stuck not sharing and stuck hurting and can't seem to overcome any of it and she is coming. I do not know how to handle myself or the situation to get this to feel better. It seems so late . So after the fact. Yet my efforts to settle it in my heart bring no result. I had felt insulted and I feel insulted right this minute. Her coming just brought it right back up. It hurt! I hurt! Blocked! I have tried to talk about it with my husband and he has promised to help if the visit turns critical or harmful and I am trying to believe it will not be that way again. There are other struggles as well and my health and well being are under strain. I guess I should just be grateful that she is coming and even if strained I will get to see her and her family again. Maybe when she comes it will somehow just melt away. I want good for her and my grandson. Her husband is nice. They have their struggles as well. We all do. However, it does not make past hurts alright. Sad to say this shows that I am hurt on the one hand but love on the other. Very damaging in my inner being. Tried writing her but feared poor results and although I think it was. Good letter I didn't send it. I wish I had but feel it is too late now and she is excited about coming. I do not want to hurt her or the relationship that we do have. I don't want to hurt my grandson who is twenty. This is a representation of a life time of struggles but right now I am the one offended . She s really unaware of my feelings and would be blind sided and I think regardless of how I tried I think this would be harmful to her and probably completely end the relationship. I do not want this . I want to heal the probem in me.

[hvert]

What end result do you want to get from telling your daughter about your hurt feelings and how likely are you to get that? Is there any other way to get a similar result or sense of closure?

It sounds like she is really excited about the visit, and that is a great thing! Maybe this will be the start of the relationship you want to have with her? Your husband offering to help if things turn strange is also wonderful. I hope you can set the hurt aside for a bit while she is there and that everything goes well!

[PianogirlPlays]

Thank you. it really did go well. Just still feel confused inside but I think you raise some very good questions though. Painfully , I may still wonder what to do about hurt but I wish I could just dig a hole and place the hurt in it and go on from there. She really doen't even know that I have been feeling this way. I do not think that telling her would be good but maybe going on from there would and then if hurts arrive addressing them in a timely fashion . Thank you for such a good answer.

[PianogirlPlays]

Originally Posted by hvert

What end result do you want to get from telling your daughter about your hurt feelings and how likely are you to get that? Is there any other way to get a similar result or sense of closure?

It sounds like she is really excited about the visit, and that is a great thing! Maybe this will be the start of the relationship you want to have with her? Your husband offering to help if things turn strange is also wonderful. I hope you can set the hurt aside for a bit while she is there and that everything goes well!

Being new here I posted a reply on my thread thanking you for wise words and saying that my desire is to push on and to learn how to deal with things in a timely fashion. The event turned out alright though. It seemed fine. I just still have to work on me.