[PeachCream22]

A trusted person I talked to today explained to me the differences between friendship and relationship. It wasn't that I asked or anything but our conversation somehow led that way as we talked about the mutual people in our circle. I realized something about myself.

Apparently I have always been too friendly to people, especially those of the opposite sex. I'd ask about their lives and try to lend them a shoulder to cry on whenever needed, and I'd try to make them feel better and I'd always welcome anybody to talk to me whenever they needed. I think I've been acting as if my life is psychcentral, or that I'm everyone's therapist, and that I don't know how to build friendship. I thought this was the only way to make friends and that I wanted people to know I was sincere in wanting to help, because to me, that seemed to be the only thing people needed most: someone to lean on. EMPHASIS on this with the OPPOSITE SEX. I do this to girls as well, but I guess it isn't right if I do it to guys.

Just wonder if I'd somehow led people on...without meaning to. What should I do to correct this? I'm not saying I attract a lot of people, but I might have attracted my ex before because of this. I got attracted to him too, but that's not the point. I just don't want this to happen again and hurt someone else in the future.

Maybe this is obvious to some people, but it certainly wasn't for me....it's hard to be a nice (on the ideal level) person.

Anyway...just sharing. Anyone's welcome to share their thoughts if they have any. Thanks for reading!

[Frankbtl]

PeachCream, you just sound like a really nice person and if other people don't just appreciate you for who you are and your intentions at the time then that's going to be more down to them than you. That's their misinterpretation of the situation not you.
I'd say that it would be a really sad world if people don't show someone that they are interested, they care, they want to help them or be there for them just because they're the "wrong" gender. I think that it's good that you care/want to help.
I mean you may be right, that there may develop an attraction there sometimes with the opposite sex (or your own sex- not everyone's straight!! ), but that can be as much because you're just so "nice" and understanding. You shouldn't have to change the way you are though, and you are going to be making a real difference to some people, regardless of gender, without the attraction bit, and that really matters!!
Just try not to be doing that just as a route to building friendships though, if you are, or at least see that things become more "equal" as the friendship develops. They should be there for you/giving something back as well remember.
And keep in mind other ways of making friendships too e.g. just talking casually to people inc. about yourself, finding things to do with them which you both enjoy, finding similar interests, sharing thoughts/opinions, finding things you have in common or differences you like about each other...................
Although, if it helps with the "right now" then maybe you could just be a little (more?) attentive to any signs/what people say/do that they want to take things further/to relationship level. Then if you're not interested then simply put them straight at the time.
Alison

[StuckinRut]

I would say, as a guy, that there is nothing wrong with your approach. Moreover I think a lot of people would really appreciate a friend like that! But I agree with Frankblt, it should probably not be your main approach to initiating a friendship. Also you might need to be careful, as this approach could lead to the development of unequal relationships in which the support that you give to others is rarely reciprocated.

[hvert]

It is so awesome to catch yourself doing this so you can be more aware of it! I have historically done this as well, with both genders. It has led to extremely unbalanced friendships, mostly.

I'm still trying to figure out how to make friends without relying on that kind of technique. Right now I'm focused on developing friendships/acquaintanceships centered on activities/hobbies. This makes it easier for me to center the conversation around the shared interest rather than anyone's personal problems. If you find any good strategies for overcoming this tendency to develop friendships by being too helpful, please post them!

I like you do that as well. But a few years back I noticed that most of my relationships, whether they where friendships or dating/married relationship they where using me because I was way to "nice" so to speak.

So I went and started to really look at everyone around me. To really find out who my true friends were and who wasn't. Trust me, I found out the hard way. As far as my dating/married relationship went they were just using me for one thing or another. Now I am re-married and the relationship is so different. I am caring, but at the same time I get a caring shoulder as well when I need it. I ended up setting boundaries but at the same time not actually losing myself in the "caring" to much part of me. I hope that makes sense.

[PeachCream22]

Frankbtl: Thanks for saying that. I guess I just need to learn to set boundaries. Well, so far I haven't encountered any girls who liked me, or that I liked back, as far as I could tell, so this situation for me, personally would be for boys. But it could be used for girls as well, but I wouldn't know because girls might be different...I have no idea. I'll try to focus more on developing friendships using other methods as you suggested, and develop healthy hobbies at the same time! That sounds ideal.

StuckinRut: So far, I think...my friendships have been reciprocated. But it could still be too early to tell. Thanks for the input though. I'll be more careful in this. It's great to know my approach isn't inappropriate or anything, from a guy's perspective.

hvert: Yeah, it IS awesome, but it's a little hard to accept your mistakes, no matter how slight they are. I think what you're doing is a great idea, similar to Frankbtl's suggestion. I'll see if I can find anything useful to post! Thanks!

FWAH2014: " I ended up setting boundaries but at the same time not actually losing myself in the "caring" to much part of me." I see, that must have been quite difficult to implement in your life. I myself have a hard time setting boundaries for fear of abandonment or rejection. I'll try not to be "too nice" and set boundaries, like I said just now.

Seems like most of your replies are centered around setting boundaries and developing other interests, thanks for your replies! Hope this post has been useful in terms of relationships with people to everyone.

Originally Posted by PeachCream22

but I guess it isn't right if I do it to guys.

Men are no more, no less apt to misinterpret interactions than women. The opposite sex, whether you're a male or a female, should not necessarily be treated less friendly.

I will wholeheartedly disagree with you on this. You are who you are and you're the type of person that is an encourager, supporter-type person. There is nothing in this that you need to change. If someone misinterprets what you've been liek with them it's on them. If you're flirting and not meaning anything by it, then I would consider this leading someone on but tbh I don't think you have. You clearly have met some guys that are needy and don't understand that people, especially women, can be there to lean on without wanting something more than just a friendship.

Please, do not change who you are for this reason and don't let it stop you from being a good friend that you seem to be in my view.

If you don't intentionally mislead, flirt and cause sexual tension, act romantically to someone, and they misunderstand your interactions, then you've done nothing wrong.

Just wonder if I'd somehow led people on...without meaning to. What should I do to correct this? I'm not saying I attract a lot of people, but I might have attracted my ex before because of this. I got attracted to him too, but that's not the point. I just don't want this to happen again and hurt someone else in the future.

Again, I don't think that being supportive and encouraging is a bad thing and being there to be leaned on by someone is simply being a good friend. The thing that I would look at is NOT that part of the interaction but, if it is something YOU'RE doing, maybe it's how you interact, and behave, with regards to flirting etc. Are there things that you do that are more than being just friendly? Do you comment on their attractiveness, etc and not make it clear you're saying it as a friend? There are certain things you can do that would make a man think you're attracted to them. Those are the things that you should be looking at and backing away from.

Maybe this is obvious to some people, but it certainly wasn't for me....it's hard to be a nice (on the ideal level) person.

Depends on what your definition of nice is. Some women are more flirtatious by nature and will be more touchy, giggly... this can sometimes mislead a person if they don't know you well. Even if you are taht way I don't think you should change that so much as you need to make it clear up front that you're not interested in a relationship.

[PeachCream22]

Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006

If you're flirting and not meaning anything by it, then I would consider this leading someone on but tbh I don't think you have. You clearly have met some guys that are needy and don't understand that people, especially women, can be there to lean on without wanting something more than just a friendship.

If you don't intentionally mislead, flirt and cause sexual tension, act romantically to someone, and they misunderstand your interactions, then you've done nothing wrong.

Okay, first of all, thank you for taking the time to give me such a lengthy and detailed reply. It was definitely food for thought and has been very helpful and straightforward.

YES you are right. I think the guys I have met are needy. I have met those who aren't, so I know what you mean. Thank you for your kind words.

Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006

Again, I don't think that being supportive and encouraging is a bad thing and being there to be leaned on by someone is simply being a good friend. The thing that I would look at is NOT that part of the interaction but, if it is something YOU'RE doing, maybe it's how you interact, and behave, with regards to flirting etc. Are there things that you do that are more than being just friendly? Do you comment on their attractiveness, etc and not make it clear you're saying it as a friend? There are certain things you can do that would make a man think you're attracted to them. Those are the things that you should be looking at and backing away from.

Well, I laugh and joke around to ease the tension, especially around strangers because I want them to like me and be comfortable around me. I don't comment on people's attractiveness at all. I keep those to myself. Great, now stems another question; HOW DO YOU FLIRT? Am I doing that without knowing it? I guess it really depends on people. Some people may think I am when I laugh and joke with them, and some people may not. I don't think I act flirtatious around people....I just try my best to be friendly..

Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006

Depends on what your definition of nice is. Some women are more flirtatious by nature and will be more touchy, giggly... this can sometimes mislead a person if they don't know you well. Even if you are taht way I don't think you should change that so much as you need to make it clear up front that you're not interested in a relationship.

My definition of nice is like...being friendly on the ideal level, like setting boundaries and yet approachable. But you're right, some people are by nature flirtatious and can have different notions of what's the ideal level. And yes, you are right, I should make it clear.

Thanks for your reply!!

[trying2survive]

Originally Posted by PeachCream22

A trusted person I talked to today explained to me the differences between friendship and relationship. It wasn't that I asked or anything but our conversation somehow led that way as we talked about the mutual people in our circle. I realized something about myself.

Apparently I have always been too friendly to people, especially those of the opposite sex. I'd ask about their lives and try to lend them a shoulder to cry on whenever needed, and I'd try to make them feel better and I'd always welcome anybody to talk to me whenever they needed. I think I've been acting as if my life is psychcentral, or that I'm everyone's therapist, and that I don't know how to build friendship. I thought this was the only way to make friends and that I wanted people to know I was sincere in wanting to help, because to me, that seemed to be the only thing people needed most: someone to lean on. EMPHASIS on this with the OPPOSITE SEX. I do this to girls as well, but I guess it isn't right if I do it to guys.

Just wonder if I'd somehow led people on...without meaning to. What should I do to correct this? I'm not saying I attract a lot of people, but I might have attracted my ex before because of this. I got attracted to him too, but that's not the point. I just don't want this to happen again and hurt someone else in the future.

Maybe this is obvious to some people, but it certainly wasn't for me....it's hard to be a nice (on the ideal level) person.

Anyway...just sharing. Anyone's welcome to share their thoughts if they have any. Thanks for reading!

it sounds like you are what is known as a TRUE FRIEND , sadly there are not enough people like yourself in this world. most people are extremely selfish and only care about themselves or what they can get out of other people.
you are indeed a rare treat, you should change nothing about yourself. if people take it the wrong way that is their problem.

there is no law against being a good caring person( although the way most people act nowadays you would think there is!) as long as you aren't doing sexually suggestive things, being an honest caring listener is a good thing and so rare nowadays i suspect this is why some people can't help but be attracted to you.

you will have to be honest with people that seem to be taking it the wrong way though, politely let them know you don't want to damage your friendship with them and you are not seeking a romantic relationship with them & that should clear up any misconceptions! hope this helps!

[PeachCream22]

Originally Posted by trying2survive

there is no law against being a good caring person( although the way most people act nowadays you would think there is!) as long as you aren't doing sexually suggestive things, being an honest caring listener is a good thing and so rare nowadays i suspect this is why some people can't help but be attracted to you.

you will have to be honest with people that seem to be taking it the wrong way though, politely let them know you don't want to damage your friendship with them and you are not seeking a romantic relationship with them & that should clear up any misconceptions! hope this helps!

Thanks for your kind words. It really helped. I was really doubtful about how I should act, but all of you cleared that up right away, and I do feel much better because I'm comfortable with how I am right now. And what you said sounds really legitimate. There SHOULD BE no law against being caring I guess I should be more honest because I tend to avoid situations that suggest relationships.....because of painful experience. But I guess it's lesson learned and I have to implement what I've learnt.

Just feel like no matter HOW polite you are, there are still people who won't like you. That hurts.

Thanks for the input!

[trying2survive]

Originally Posted by PeachCream22

Thanks for your kind words. It really helped. I was really doubtful about how I should act, but all of you cleared that up right away, and I do feel much better because I'm comfortable with how I am right now. And what you said sounds really legitimate. There SHOULD BE no law against being caring I guess I should be more honest because I tend to avoid situations that suggest relationships.....because of painful experience. But I guess it's lesson learned and I have to implement what I've learnt.

Just feel like no matter HOW polite you are, there are still people who won't like you. That hurts.

Thanks for the input!

you're welcome glad i could help..unfortunately you are correct, there is always gonna be someone who doesn't like you, but...what can you do..just worry about the ones that do, hee hee

Originally Posted by PeachCream22

Okay, first of all, thank you for taking the time to give me such a lengthy and detailed reply. It was definitely food for thought and has been very helpful and straightforward.

You're very welcome

Well, I laugh and joke around to ease the tension, especially around strangers because I want them to like me and be comfortable around me. I don't comment on people's attractiveness at all. I keep those to myself. Great, now stems another question; HOW DO YOU FLIRT? Am I doing that without knowing it? I guess it really depends on people. Some people may think I am when I laugh and joke with them, and some people may not. I don't think I act flirtatious around people....I just try my best to be friendly..

about being flirtatious, some of this is subjective because how one acts and how it's interpreted are many times miscommunicated between people getting to know each other.

I can only give you my interpretations, my experience with women. I have to admit I'm always skeptical when a woman is flirty with me but that's mostly my own self doubt. When I do think a woman is flirting, they are not just simply nice, smiling and talkative but I would say they are or seem to be putting out more signals than that. more giggly than typical, overly friendly. In context of how well I know them and how they typically act. If I have a friend I know and she's always very giggly and happy, if she's that way with me I won't interpret it as flirting, but if she's normally reserved and quiet and starts to be more like that I would interpret it as such. I hope that makes sense. Depends on the guy you're interacting with also.

So things I say might be misinterpreted by some might be excitement, giggling, playfulness. physically touching others to some may say something. being in closer proximity than other people could be interpreted this way also,.

Keep in mind, be yourself. you are who and what you are and you should not change this. Some people may think you're flirting and others may miss your intentional flirting at times so there's no hard and fast rule. Just being aware that this may happen, and be prepared to clarify things with friends is probably about all you can to.

Hope this helps.