I moved to another state for a job, my anxiety has increased and I'm preparing to take a leave of absence due to this and the job just not being a good fit. As a result I've withdrawn from my closest friend here and other ppl associated with my job, but they keep asking me to hang out.

I'm hoping not to tip them off to my plans of taking leave or looking like I personally dislike them. I just go inward at times like this and the job is their life focus so hanging with them feels like working on free time.

I'm tired of making up reasons that I am unavailable to meet up only for them to keep trying to reschedule.

How do I politely tell them that I don't want to hang out, permanently?

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I know it seems petty but I'm unsure.

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[Perna]

I think you just have to tell them that, that you are not interested (rather than "can't" which implies you have some other conflicting event scheduled). You could say something like "Nothing personal but I just don't like to mix my work life with my personal life".

Thank you for your response. It might seem odd because I previously hung with them often and confided in them

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[waiting4]

Originally Posted by rouge198

I moved to another state for a job, my anxiety has increased and I'm preparing to take a leave of absence due to this and the job just not being a good fit. As a result I've withdrawn from my closest friend here and other ppl associated with my job, but they keep asking me to hang out.

I'm hoping not to tip them off to my plans of taking leave or looking like I personally dislike them. I just go inward at times like this and the job is their life focus so hanging with them feels like working on free time.

I'm tired of making up reasons that I am unavailable to meet up only for them to keep trying to reschedule.

How do I politely tell them that I don't want to hang out, permanently?

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Maybe try, "I'm sorry, but going forward, I won't be available to hang out with you guys. I have personal business to attend to, but as soon as my schedule lightens, I'll look forward to doing so again."

It's only a little white lie (looking forward to doing so again) and by using the words 'going forward' it sounds more professional (inclining the receiver of this news that you haven't found better friends to hang with) and 'personal' implying that questions regarding it would be unwelcome. And smile regretfully.

If they don't get the hint and do ask what the 'personal business' is, just repeat, over and over...'I'm sorry, but it can't be helped.' And keep smiling whilst saying it.

I think it would pass muster with Miss Manners, and it's worked quite well for me in the past. Just remember to smile regretfully.

Take care

Thank you both for your advice. I'm still extremely anxious about telling them and they've all agreed to go so they're now just waiting on me.

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[hvert]

If you are planning on going back to the job after your leave, it might be better to not tell them you never want to hang out. I have always declined those sort of workplace group invites and only recently realized that they are actually an unspoken requirement.

You can decline 90% of them with excuses about 'I have too much going on right now, maybe I can meet up in June' or whatever, but I would not tell them that you don't want to hang out ever. I am also very non-confrontational, so take that with a large grain of salt

I find that after declining a few times, the invitations eventually stop.

As far as explanations go, I usually just say ... Thanks for asking but my plate is full right now, maybe some other time.

[Harmacy]

I agree with Pfrog, if you consistently start declining their invitations, eventually they'll stop asking.

If you're planning to return to work in the future, I wouldn't personally tell them outright that you permanently don't want to hang out with them. That could add to anxiety on returning.

As others have said, sometimes white lies are better to make everyone feel less anxious. It's not like you're telling outright lies to try to manipulate or exploit people, they're just useful tools in the workplace to try and keep people we don't want to be close to at a distance without hurting their feelings.

So I sent this: "Hey Sara* and Tasha*, thanks for the invite. My quarter is pretty hectic already and I have a lot of family events and personal stuff going on. As soon as things clear up, I look forward to catching up with you both.

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[ExistingInChanges]

Originally Posted by rouge198

So I sent this: "Hey Sara* and Tasha*, thanks for the invite. My quarter is pretty hectic already and I have a lot of family events and personal stuff going on. As soon as things clear up, I look forward to catching up with you both.

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If they respond, then you may be able to just text them or talk on the phone instead of having to hanfg out, if you still want their friendship at all. Maybe things moved too fast. You went to another state and then made friends and they wanna do all these things with you. Maybe its just too much right now.

[Perna]

That sounds great, just friendly "enough".

Thank you all very much. I know it seems minor but I struggle tremendously in all of my relationships and communication, even on the most basic level, is extremely hard for me and induces a great deal of anxiety.

I don't have social anxiety and am pretty well liked but I have suffered trauma in relationships in the past and so I cut ppl off when hurt, I push romantic partners away, I don't know how to stick out friendships and I never allow myself to be totally vulnerable in relationships for fear of looking bad or being hurt. As a result, while I am laying in bed depressed and anxious today I will not contact a friend despite having suicidal thoughts, weeping off and on, not eating and feeling extremely hopeless. I've isolated myself.

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[hvert]

That sounds perfect Very professional!

They never responded and now I'm concerned they'll think badly of me since I couldn't make dinner last Sunday either or an event one of them put on last Thursday

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[hvert]

Whoops, I didn't see that there was a second page before my last message! I'm sorry that you are feeling so badly and like you have to isolate yourself.

If someone invites you to something and you decline by telling them you'll be busy for a while, it seems normal for them not to respond again. Don't let yourself read too much into their lack of response!

Originally Posted by hvert

Whoops, I didn't see that there was a second page before my last message! I'm sorry that you are feeling so badly and like you have to isolate yourself.

If someone invites you to something and you decline by telling them you'll be busy for a while, it seems normal for them not to respond again. Don't let yourself read too much into their lack of response!

I know you're right. I ran into one of my colleagues and she offered me a ride. She was friendly but I didn't feel comfortable sharing my real reason for not attending dinner. Had she been the other colleague I would have opened up more. I was glad though that it was as you said and silence didn't mean disdain for me. Thank you very much, hvert.

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[beechwood]

perhaps refusing their offers to get together is causing you more anxiety than just meeting up with them once in a while.....try meeting for short visits with just one or two people rather than a large group and see how it goes....try to keep the conversation light and casual and you will be fine.....it couldn't hurt.....

Originally Posted by beechwood

perhaps refusing their offers to get together is causing you more anxiety than just meeting up with them once in a while.....try meeting for short visits with just one or two people rather than a large group and see how it goes....try to keep the conversation light and casual and you will be fine.....it couldn't hurt.....

I agree. My hw for last week in therapy was to hang out with someone. I haven't yet but a grieve invited me to go. I need that as I've been in the dark in bed a day.

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