[StuckinRut]

First I should apologise as I have posted several messages on this general topic (i.e. boundaries) before. My relationship with my entire parental family is strained and difficult. It has been that way for years. The underlying problem is that they want to control and influence every aspect of my life. These days I resist this and try not to respond to their probing questions. However since I have a similar set of problems with all members of my parental family, I often wonder is the problem them or me? I think that I'm struggling to believe that what I have grown up with is not normal. A few days ago my sister texted me. She invited me to a family gathering in a few months time. The time is not convenient for me. I texted back to that effect. But I didn't give a reason. I am not close to my sister. It's a long story. My sister replied wanting to know why I couldn't attend. I replied to say I'd let her know if things changed such that I would be able to come after all. She sent an aggressive text back telling me I was "being secretive" (the stock response used by my mum when I don't tell her my personal business) and stating that she felt this should be enough notice for me to be able to attend... I'm beginning to realise that I don't know what a normal family relationship is. Is this normal?

[LaborIntensive]

I would say that for family that does sound awfully secretive. Why not just be honest and have an actual conversation with her?

Originally Posted by StuckinRut

My sister replied wanting to know why I couldn't attend. I replied to say I'd let her know if things changed such that I would be able to come after all. She sent an aggressive text back telling me I was "being secretive" (the stock response used by my mum when I don't tell her my personal business) and stating that she felt this should be enough notice for me to be able to attend... I'm beginning to realise that I don't know what a normal family relationship is. Is this normal?

You have every right to keep things private from whomever you choose. The idea that just because she's your sister meaning you have to share every detail is just faulty thinking on her part.

No it is not normal but it happens. There are people that are far more nosey than is good for them and she sounds not only like she's nosey but bossy and controlling too. that her "notice" shoudl be sufficient sounds like she likes it to go her way or throws a fit. Even if you said your reason was b/c you didn't want to go, that should be sufficient. You're an adult and can make choices of your own, she has no right to make it sound like you are required to go.

It took me many years to break from my dysfunctional family and tbh I'm not sure I know what normal is yet either.

[StuckinRut]

Sure, in the past I would have explained my reasons. In fact in the past I used to tell my family members everything about my life. But I learned that this often backfired for one of several reasons. My parents have/had bad tempers and arguments were common place. Confidences I had shared were often raised in an argument and used against me. Also, I have grown further and further apart from my family over the years. We are totally different people with different values etc. Whilst I respect their values, etc. They don't respect mine. Finally telling one family member is equivalent to telling them all. My mum tends to obsess over things wanting to know every detail. If I once mention a plan that I might have she will ask me about it repeatedly every time I speak with her. It's quite exhausting and also I find it invasive.

[LaborIntensive]

My family is exactly like this. I guess I just have a thick skin about it and could careless what they think of me and my ways. I am alien to them...

[StuckinRut]

Thanks so much for the supportive replies. This has really helped!

s4ndm4n2006 - I think that your analysis of my sister's personality is very accurate.

LaborIntensive - I think you have the right approach. Hopefully over time I can develop a thicker skin