[utterlyconfused]

Okay, sorry this is really long, but I don't know what to do. I've been questioning my relationship with my boyfriend for probably 4 months now, and I'm desperate for advice. I tried to section things off and word them clearly because this whole subject is like a ball of tangled yarn in my head. Here it goes...

My boyfriend and I have been together for about 2 years. He has changed a bit over the past year, and I'm not sure how I feel about it. We're both Christians, and he's the children's pastor's oldest son. Everyone at the church thinks that everything is great, and we're under a spotlight that I am beginning to feel uncomfortable in.

If you know me from other forums, you know that I struggle mainly with an eating disorder, but si is also in the picture... it just doesn't speak as loudly as my ed. His parents know about my struggle with si, but when his dad asked me if I had been intentionally losing weight, I lied and said no. My boyfriend knows about my ed, and he constantly worries (which is understandable), but I don't need him doing that. I just want someone to be there for me. I'm already seeing a therapist and I'm scheduled to see a nutritional counselor at the end of the month to get help. I just need support from him, and I've told him that. Multiple times.

He has changed by mainly his attitude. He will get kind of cocky and say things among the lines like, "... because I have a nice car," or, "... because my shoes are actually nice." It really bothers me, and its getting kind of mean at times. Other times, he'll act like he's "holier than thou" and it makes him look like a jerk. He keeps trying to solve my problems and he has problems of his own. He also constantly takes things way too literal from a sermon when it was an example of someone else's life. I mean, I'm glad he wants to live a Godly life because I do too, but we don't need to make rash decisions. Its not healthy.

Another thing is that he recently expressed that he has a hard time trusting me. This came up in an argument about him constantly going through my phone and looking through me pictures, instagram, and facebook. Sometimes he'll even go through my messages and my diet app. I have told him many times that my phone is my property and he is not to look through it without my permission. Its just a respect and privacy thing. I told him it bothers me, but still he does it because he feels like I'm hiding something from him and I'm not. The only thing that I have up there that I don't want him to see is my food/weight journal. Thats just my stuff... its almost like a diary.

The main thing that I question is the fact that I don't know how much I love him. I mean, don't get me wrong... he's a great guy overall and he is sweet for the most part. There are still little things that he does that really bother me, but we can work on those. I tend to go through these cycles where I don't want anyone around and I want to be on my own, and live my life how I want to live it. These swings will usually last for about a month or two. I just... I don't know. It's like I love being with him, but then there are times where I'm just ready to be done. I also feel like I'm not just in a relationship with him... its his whole family. He has 3 other siblings and his parents/grandparents absolutely love me. So if I were to break it off, I feel like I would be breaking up with the whole family. But our relationship has almost become to be like a rut. We'll hang out at church on wednesday, hang out on sunday morning, go to lunch, and then hang out at his house until it is time for band/drama practice.

I'm very wishy washy, and I truly want things to work out, but at the same time, I just want to be single. I met him when I was getting out of a really bad rebound relationship and I was messed up from the previous relationship, and now that I'm just struggling with m ed, I just want to be alone, but isolation isn't good for me. My therapist says that I shouldn't necessarily be too concerned with my relationship with him because I am only 18, and it probably wouldn't make things any better if I were to end things with him. She's right. I just don't know what to do. I'm the only person I'll have my whole life, and I only have one life. I want to do what makes me happy, but I don't want to be reckless and accidentally burn a bridge I'm not sure I want to burn.

[Harmacy]

Originally Posted by utterlyconfused

Another thing is that he recently expressed that he has a hard time trusting me. This came up in an argument about him constantly going through my phone and looking through me pictures, instagram, and facebook. Sometimes he'll even go through my messages and my diet app. I have told him many times that my phone is my property and he is not to look through it without my permission. Its just a respect and privacy thing.

It's also about personal boundaries. You have a right to set clear boundaries without ever having the need to explain yourself.

Even if he wasn't aware that it was wrong (which seems strange since most people intuitively know that going onto someone else's phone is a gross invasion of privacy) the fact that you've told him to stop and he still does it is a huge red flag.

You never have to put up with that kind of behaviour whoever it's from, friend, relative or partner. Anybody who tries to put it back on you is playing mind games. I had a friend once who I caught looking through my phone; when I called him out on it he tried to make out I had the problem and that I should have put a PIN lock on it. I'm not friends with him anymore as it was the latest in a long line of humiliations I'd passively tolerated over the years, all through trying to put other people's needs ahead of my own - something that eats away at self esteem like nothing else.

I don't know about ending the relationship as that's a decision only you can make since you know all sides of him but I would advise going back to the phone thing and making it absolutely clear that there is no discussion to be had - he must not go into your phone. See how he reacts and I'm sure that will guide your decision on whether to stay with him or not. You haven't mentioned it but if there's even a slight chance he'll get physically aggressive, do it while other people are around.

[hvert]

What are you getting out of the relationship? Is there something keeping you two together besides your worries that you will lose him and his family if you break up? Have you talked to him about the rut you've noticed?

I would put a password on my phone. Him searching your phone even after you've asked him not to is a huge red flag to me.

[utterlyconfused]

I did put a password on my phone, but he just gets angry with the idea that I don't want him in my stuff. I change it every time he figures it out. It seems like its a game to him. I don't know if this is an issue that is worth ending a 2 year relationship over, but I'm not sure anymore.

As far as what I'm getting out of the relationship, I don't really know. He's a great friend, but sometimes can be a bit judgmental of my problems. I feel like we could just be friends and I would still get the same satisfaction from our personal relationship, but just the fact of being in a deeper relationship brings me security. Granted I am a very independent person, I like the fact that there is someone that I really care about to spend time with and know that he will always be around for me if I need him to be. At the same time, he doesn't really like to do romantic things.

For example, we'll be looking through facebook together and see one of our friends do an anniversary post. He'll scoff at it and mutter something like, "that's ridiculous." I think that kind of stuff is sweet. Also, just flirting with each other is nice, but he hardly ever does it. He acts so strangely when it comes to that subject, but at the same time, I know for a fact that he wants to be more physical than what I want to be at this point.

I haven't talked to him about the rut that I've noticed, but I'm just really tired of trying to make things work. I feel like I might have noticed a small spark between us when we first met and then I tried to hang on to it so tightly and I tried so hard to make things work, and this is the result. Even when I wasn't depressed, in a deep struggle with my ed, or si, we would sometimes get like this. I know that a relationship isn't always going to be on a high, but at the same time, I don't see why it has to be like a drought when we aren't on a high.

Simply put, I'm tired of being in a relationship, but that is no reason to end one. I'm also tired of trying to fight my ed, so that makes me wonder if I'm just giving up on everything and isolating myself. I'm just in a really bad state of mind right now, and I don't think my judgment is clear enough to make a decision about my relationship with my boyfriend.