[Sadley]

Hello, I am in a relationship (my first relationship) with a woman and I need help. I'm a male, 24, she's 27. We've been seeing each other for 45 days so its still early but we regularly say we love each other.

How it's been going is like this: our schedules don't really work the best, so I end up spending the weekends with her, and leaving my family (whom I live with) for those 3 days. I feel guilty because before I met her, I would always stay home and play video games with my brother, but now my brother is lonely. But I really want to be with this woman. She does make me happy. On Sundays, like this past one, she begs me to stay and I end up being up really late, wayyy past my bedtime, then I'm late for work on Monday (as what happened today). Work has been extermely stressful, we are required to work 10 hour days plus weekends. I've been late soooo many times, I'm worried I'm going to eventually lose this job. I don't have an education and I wouldn't know where to start to try to look for a new job if I had to. I don't make much money and my girlfriend is already talking about her dream home and this woman has very expensive tastes.

We went out on a date on Friday, and I we were talking about our pasts, and I stupidly asked about how her first time (sex) was. She said she wasn't attracted to the guy at all, and she got real drunk before they did it. He didn't know what he was doing, and it wasn't pleasurable to her at all. I'm not sure why, but I can't stop thinking about this and I am getting really depressed over it. I need help

[Trippin2.0]

I'm not sure on how to respond, because I'm not too sure what it is you seek...

What is depressing you exactly?

The fact that she was drunk when she first had sex, or that she didn't enjoy it?

As for spending all your free time with her, well obviously that is not going so well for you, you are acting irresponsibly by putting your job at risk and you are drifting away from your brother, neither of which you are happy about, so change it.

There's no law that says you must see her every weekend, you have a life outside of the relationship, and there's no rule that says you must stay over when she asks, especially not if you can't be disciplined enough to get to work on time.

You're an adult, and you have the ability to make your own choices, being responsible means making choices that might not always be fun, but the end result is they benefit you.

If you could elaborate on what is depressing you, I'm sure you will find a helpful response from a member or 2.

I'm sorry you seem to find yourself in this depressing predicament, and I hope you find the courage and the way out of it before it has any longterm impact on your life.

[Sadley]

It's difficult for me to explain...I'm not sure why I"m depressed. But yeah, you're right, I have to not spend so much time with her. It is extremely difficult. She has a difficult time just waiting for the weekends. Sigh... even just talking about the whole thing now makes me even more depressed. Ugh I hate my life. It depresses me that she would put herself into a situation where she would have to be so drunk that she doesn't care about what she's doing to have sex. And I'm a very jealous person, I don't know what it is but I feel jealous that she would let a guy who is no good do that.

She doesn't think sex of as big a deal as I do. It is important to me, I think it should be something special. She always tells me, "its just sex". I don't know why but I am disturbed by it.

[Trippin2.0]

Originally Posted by Sadley

It's difficult for me to explain...I'm not sure why I"m depressed. But yeah, you're right, I have to not spend so much time with her. It is extremely difficult. She has a difficult time just waiting for the weekends. Sigh... even just talking about the whole thing now makes me even more depressed. Ugh I hate my life. It depresses me that she would put herself into a situation where she would have to be so drunk that she doesn't care about what she's doing to have sex. And I'm a very jealous person, I don't know what it is but I feel jealous that she would let a guy who is no good do that.

She doesn't think sex of as big a deal as I do. It is important to me, I think it should be something special. She always tells me, "its just sex". I don't know why but I am disturbed by it.

You two have opposing views on a fundamental issue, so some conflict is expected when there's no middle ground.

Maybe talking some more on the topic of how special sex AND intimacy is versus how it may be viewed as a purely physical act will put your mind at ease...

Perhaps she views sex outside of being in a loving relationship as no big deal, but places more value on it within a relationship.

If that's the case, then you two have some firm middle ground on which to meet.

If not and she has a completely differing view to yours, then you may want to explore which other relationship fundamentals you two disagree on and then evaluate whether the relationship is worth holding onto.

[healingme4me]

Perhaps where views on intimacy go, it's disturbing because it leads to wondering if you hold a special place within her heart?

You expressed missing spending time with your brother. Missed Sunday with your family and were late to work.

A respecting relationship, understands and supports the fact that you need to get home, to be rested for the next day on the job.

You expressed expensive tastes, future wise, will this result in living beyond means and financial ruin?

It's ok, to take time to do what you love, for yourself. Don't shut your brother out...

Sent from my LG-MS910 using Tapatalk 2

[Sadley]

Thanks for the replies. There are a lot more details that affect the situation. I mentioned that she is my first relationship, I lost my virginity to her. Before I met her, I was suicidal. I was ready to kill myself. But she gives me a reason to live. I do love my family too, but things were just getting so bad that I wanted to just disappear. I know you'd say well if you love your family then you wouldn't kill yourself. Well, there comes a point when in my mind the pain goes over the line.

I seriously thought that I would never have a relationship or anything. I don't want to say I was desperate, but I was. But its not like this woman is a bad choice or anything. She is truly great. She isn't anything to "settle" for.

healingme4me, I know she has a special place in her heart for me, she tells me how much she loves me every day now. Since I am still sort of "recovering" after spending most of my life being depressed, I don't have a very high self-esteem, and she knows this. She tells me she likes me more than I will ever know.

I am just a people pleaser and it is overwhelming for me right now.

[hvert]

Take care of yourself.

It's natural that you will spend less time with your brother as you develop a romantic relationship. It's different for you and your family, but it's really important for you to develop relationships outside of your family as well.

The job is important, though. It sounds like you have a really good head on your shoulder - you know that what you have been doing (showing up late for work) isn't good for you. I think most of us tend to sort of 'forget' the basics when we first fall for someone, but reality creeps back in soon enough.

In my experience, it is just a bad idea to ask or tell detailed information about sexual history -- as you are learning now It's find to have conversations on a sort of philosophical level, but detailed information isn't going to make anyone feel good. She is with you now, not those other people, so just remember that and let history be history.