At the risk of having my feelings invalidated on here...

I have a very difficult time communicating needs and how I feel to people and I think it's because I have a very real fear of my feelings being dismissed or invalidated. Either that or I'll be straight up made fun of for it, who knows?

I realize that not all my feelings are rational, but that doesn't make them any less real to me. How do I communicate that to people? As long as they acknowledge them as real feelings that have a real impact on my well-being, then we can talk about whether they're rational or not.

I can't bring myself to express needs unless specifically asked. An example is that I go too long without eating or eating much which can cause my blood sugar to get really low (I'm most likely hypoglycemic) and I need almonds, honey, etc. to not feel nauseous/weak etc. And I'm too afraid to say anything until I'm visibly ill. I'm used to pain and nausea so I usually just go through it without saying anything, often pushing my body to do what it needs to do even though I shouldn't. I'm sure there are other examples…but when it comes to physical and emotional needs, I come last. I just wish it would stop, but there's no one I trust enough to communicate all my needs. And I'm always afraid I'll be asking too much.

[offthegrid]

The community here is generally pretty supportive and understanding so you shouldn't have an issues with people being dismissive

You have just as much right to your feelings as anyone else. I bet these other people don't censor themselves around you. Just because the people around you make you feel like you are are somehow abnormal for experiencing them or expressing them because of their own bevy of issues. You shouldn't have to do this, especially at the risk of your physical health. Some people in your life are just toxic so you have to distance yourself emotionally and/or physically from them. For everyone else, it starts small. See if you can practice expressing yourself to "safer" people or express btw of yourself a bit at a time.

I've had similar issues and still do to an extent but you have to push yourself to do it and eventually you won't care as much about how others will react.

People (everywhere) just get annoyed. The people around me in real life haven't made me feel abnormal for having feelings yet. Yet being the operative word. Although that doesn't prevent me from being ashamed of these feelings...especially having a crush on a friend.

I feel like I have to start over finding "safer" people. I'm not sure where to look until I get back in school. I don't know where people are that share my interest besides places I've already been.

[CaptainChaos79]

Your feelings are valid...the end. Just because someone else feels differently doesn't mean you are wrong. It doesn't mean they are either. It means you feel differently. That's it. You should ALWAYS be free to feel how you feel especially if your physical health is involved. An emotion is one thing but if you are hungry that is not a feeling that is a physiological need that needs to be addressed and your body is telling you so...nausea is not always a response to emotion but sometimes it's your body saying "Yo! Eat!" It is okay to eat and if there is someone around u who has a problem with that....well I think that says a hell of a lot more about them than it does about you! So you do what makes you feel better about you and to hell be da**ed with anyone who gets bent over it!

Feelings are never right or wrong. You feel however you feel, and nobody knows it except you. It would be stupid to argue with somebody about how they feel, or should feel. And let me for sure validate what you're saying. I have had a problem recently with my brother who, no matter what I said and how many people agreed with me, would challenge or debate my position. I say up, he says down. I say black, he says white. I'm not the only one who's noticed his tendency to do that. In fact, my daughter points out that you can say the same thing word for word that my brother just said yesterday, and he'll jump in to refute it. He's being contrary on purpose. So yeah, speaking up and stating an opinion around him is quite a challenge. After a while, when you don't want everything you say turning into a lengthy formal debate, you start keeping your mouth shut.

The tendency not to ask for what you need follows from there. I am diabetic. Once when money was extremely tight, I went a month without taking insulin because I didn't want to ask my husband to pay for having it refilled. I put my own needs on the back burner because I felt that what everyone else needed was more important. I ended up in urgent care, with my glucose reading in outer space. It would have been a lot less trouble and expense to just speak up about what I needed. An ounce of prevention, and all that.

Tying both of those two paragraphs in together, that same brother discouraged me from going to the doctor when I had a serious flu and couldn't even hold water down. He thought I was too dependent on doctors, and should learn to just tough it out and take care of these things myself. By the time my sister drove me to the emergency room, I was so dehydrated that my blood pressure was in the basement. Top number in the low 70's, bottom number undetectable. I didn't even have to do the waiting room thing. They just took me right in. As a nursing assistant, I did see blood pressure readings that low a few times--always on a resident who was getting ready to leave us. I had waited until the very last minute to seek medical care. I don't recommend that anyone else do the same.

Originally Posted by CaptainChaos79

Your feelings are valid...the end. Just because someone else feels differently doesn't mean you are wrong. It doesn't mean they are either. It means you feel differently. That's it. You should ALWAYS be free to feel how you feel especially if your physical health is involved. An emotion is one thing but if you are hungry that is not a feeling that is a physiological need that needs to be addressed and your body is telling you so...nausea is not always a response to emotion but sometimes it's your body saying "Yo! Eat!" It is okay to eat and if there is someone around u who has a problem with that....well I think that says a hell of a lot more about them than it does about you! So you do what makes you feel better about you and to hell be da**ed with anyone who gets bent over it!

Part of the problem with food is that my diet is pretty strict so I hate inconveniencing other people because it's partly a choice on my part (mostly it has to do with allergies and avoiding any risk of contact with foods that I'm allergic to/have problems with). Luckily, people are very understanding where I live now and are accommodating if they're able to.

I guess I'm free to feel, but not to express it. Who do I express it to without the risk of not being made fun of, not being taken advantage of, etc.?

Originally Posted by Lovebird

Feelings are never right or wrong. You feel however you feel, and nobody knows it except you. It would be stupid to argue with somebody about how they feel, or should feel. And let me for sure validate what you're saying. I have had a problem recently with my brother who, no matter what I said and how many people agreed with me, would challenge or debate my position. I say up, he says down. I say black, he says white. I'm not the only one who's noticed his tendency to do that. In fact, my daughter points out that you can say the same thing word for word that my brother just said yesterday, and he'll jump in to refute it. He's being contrary on purpose. So yeah, speaking up and stating an opinion around him is quite a challenge. After a while, when you don't want everything you say turning into a lengthy formal debate, you start keeping your mouth shut.

The tendency not to ask for what you need follows from there. I am diabetic. Once when money was extremely tight, I went a month without taking insulin because I didn't want to ask my husband to pay for having it refilled. I put my own needs on the back burner because I felt that what everyone else needed was more important. I ended up in urgent care, with my glucose reading in outer space. It would have been a lot less trouble and expense to just speak up about what I needed. An ounce of prevention, and all that.

Tying both of those two paragraphs in together, that same brother discouraged me from going to the doctor when I had a serious flu and couldn't even hold water down. He thought I was too dependent on doctors, and should learn to just tough it out and take care of these things myself. By the time my sister drove me to the emergency room, I was so dehydrated that my blood pressure was in the basement. Top number in the low 70's, bottom number undetectable. I didn't even have to do the waiting room thing. They just took me right in. As a nursing assistant, I did see blood pressure readings that low a few times--always on a resident who was getting ready to leave us. I had waited until the very last minute to seek medical care. I don't recommend that anyone else do the same.

Your brother reminds me of my dad in so many ways. He would even start an argument with you even if you agreed with him…and likes to yell and start fights when I'm there because he has to fight with someone and my mom just ignores him at this point and/or silently agrees.

And if you have a different opinion from him? You don't voice it…it takes too much energy to argue about something that is meaningless in the grand scheme of things.

Also, my parents are very distant and unable to give emotional support didn't know how to show affection towards me growing up (apparently I didn't want affection or something weird like that?) So I automatically can't go to them about my worries or sadness (unless it's money related of course). I've always felt like they've "loved" me out of duty and/or obligation. Same with the rest of the family…after all my grandparents passed away and holiday gatherings stopped happening, I didn't even talk to them (except for one aunt occasionally) again. They just disappeared…another aunt still remembers I exist and sends cards, but I don't know…it just seems empty, like it's done out of duty and because she likes making cards or because my mom makes cards for my cousins.

I don't know, I've spent my whole life being ignored unless there was no one else to pay attention to and having to practically berate people just to get them to listen to me and make them fear me just for their fake "respect".

I'm out of that environment, but I still feel like I need to look like a neon sign in order to exist. I actually get the brightest, most ridiculous clothes just so I'm "seen" but rarely do I feel heard. And even if I voice my opinion, I'm just being overly sensitive, ridiculous, etc. And, heaven forbid, if I have romantic feelings towards someone, I need to hide them and pray they don't notice because otherwise it might be creepy to them! Or they'll use that to use me. Or they'll flirt with me, thoroughly confuse me, even go on a date and never have been interested in me in the first place…even though they were attracted to me! I'm probably getting off topic, but I feel like I'm doing something horribly wrong if I'm attracted to someone and I can't express it now…not like I could express needs if I were in a relationship anyway. I would feel like I was being ungrateful; I'll just take what I can get.

[Strive4health]

Originally Posted by I.Am.The.End.

Part of the problem with food is that my diet is pretty strict so I hate inconveniencing other people because it's partly a choice on my part (mostly it has to do with allergies and avoiding any risk of contact with foods that I'm allergic to/have problems with). Luckily, people are very understanding where I live now and are accommodating if they're able to.

I guess I'm free to feel, but not to express it. Who do I express it to without the risk of not being made fun of, not being taken advantage of, etc.?

Wow, I was thinking about something similar in the last week and I'm so glad I read your thread!

I often feel like my feelings are invalidated, but even more is my health is invalidated. Like you, there are foods I have to avoid or else I end up having a very bad day, and I have a health issue where I need to lose weight in order to be healthy and get pregnant...often people are not understanding of that and they don't want to understand.

One thing I had to personally learn is people will choose to be understanding, but they don't have to be accommodating. It sucks, but once you realize that people don't have to be accommodating because of their own reasons, it makes it easier for you to decide what kind of environments to place yourself in. After a while, I realized that eating fattening and sugary foods made me grouchy, sluggish, fat, and cranky so I reduced my intake. That means I cannot surround myself with certain people who cannot respect such a SIMPLE lifestyle choice that has to do with ME, and not them. Once I came to that understanding, setting boundaries became a lot easier.

As someone who has had to go through an immeasurable amount of suffering due to health issues, please don't tolerate being nauseas or sick again. You have the RIGHT to be attuned to your body and respond to it accordingly and take care of yourself. No one will take care of yourself but you! I learned this the hard way for my mental health and sanity and for my physical health. At the end of the day, it is your body and your mind and emotional well-being. If you feel nauseated and then feel emotionally compromised by it, don't wait until it gets so bad. If people don't take you seriously, I'm sorry but f#$@ them! You take care of yourself first and if it inconveniences people, that is too bad. I hope that one day they don't ever find themselves in a situation where they need to have their medical needs met but have to wait on it because of other's "conveniences." The more you try to please others, the more they will see it as the standard to expect from you. I would get "well you never said this was a problem before" "you always seemed to handle things so well." Guess what, I can change my mind idiots.

Sorry for that rant, but this issue really sets me off. I spend too many years in my 20's thinking this way and suffered needlessly, and am now going to spend the rest of my life repairing the damage and maintaining what I have.

I.am.the.end - Thank you for this thread. I'm sorry your feelings are invalidated/dismissed. I often feel that way too, even with my T. It's like no one hears you. I don't know how you can fix that but I do hope you can forget about others and do what you need to take care of yourself.

Strive4Health - You made excellent points and suggestions for the OP. I could stand to gain from your advice as well. I have a tendency to let things slide in my personal life to the point where it becomes intolerable. Trying to keep the peace is not easy. Old habits are hard to break. You give me something to think about. Thanks for your post!!

[seasonalflow]

Thanks for your honesty and openness raising this issue. I too will take on the comments and advice from the responses. If I was to add something that has helped me, it was reading up more about assertive, passive and aggressive behavior, as well as finding a safe place with a registered psychologist so my thoughts and feelings could begin being validated and worked through. Naming feelings I am dealing with, writing them down and finding out more information about them has also been helpful. Helps me get control over the situation and not handing the power over to others by concerning myself about their responses.

[Perna]

I have to remind myself that if I don't tell others what I am feeling, they cannot know so everything they say is said in ignorance. I do not know what your difficulties with going too long without eating have to do with your feelings but I would carry some nuts/energy bars or something with you so you do not have to feel so physically ill or depend on others to understand when you are not able to talk?

[Strive4health]

Originally Posted by Cthrume

I.am.the.end - Thank you for this thread. I'm sorry your feelings are invalidated/dismissed. I often feel that way too, even with my T. It's like no one hears you. I don't know how you can fix that but I do hope you can forget about others and do what you need to take care of yourself.

Strive4Health - You made excellent points and suggestions for the OP. I could stand to gain from your advice as well. I have a tendency to let things slide in my personal life to the point where it becomes intolerable. Trying to keep the peace is not easy. Old habits are hard to break. You give me something to think about. Thanks for your post!!

YW! I have spent too many years trying to make others happy. One lesson I learned was the more you try to make others happy, the more unhappy they all become!!!

Along these lines, another thing that has been bothering me is that I want off a particular medication because I don't want to live with the side effects, especially when the drug stopped being useful soon after taking it. I wish I had never said anything positive about it because now I'm not allowed to taper it! I have to quit cold turkey or continue or continue taking a useless, detrimental drug. Her reply to my problem with the side effects? Too bad how sad, you said it made you less stressed... Well it did until I realized that the side effects won't go away and actually make me more depressed and stressed. I'm about to just stop taking them and sleep through withdrawal at this point...she canceled our next appointment anyway. I have almost zero confidence that any psychiatrist will ever listen to a word I say or is even capable of telling me how to go off of drugs safely in the first place.

[Strive4health]

Originally Posted by I.Am.The.End.

Along these lines, another thing that has been bothering me is that I want off a particular medication because I don't want to live with the side effects, especially when the drug stopped being useful soon after taking it. I wish I had never said anything positive about it because now I'm not allowed to taper it! I have to quit cold turkey or continue or continue taking a useless, detrimental drug. Her reply to my problem with the side effects? Too bad how sad, you said it made you less stressed... Well it did until I realized that the side effects won't go away and actually make me more depressed and stressed. I'm about to just stop taking them and sleep through withdrawal at this point...she canceled our next appointment anyway. I have almost zero confidence that any psychiatrist will ever listen to a word I say or is even capable of telling me how to go off of drugs safely in the first place.

As a patient, you have medical rights and one of those rights is the ability to refuse to take any medications. I was once put on medication that was giving me side effects and I discontinued it. My doctor said that was fine. I had a relative who was using Accutane and she was getting really awful side effects from it and stopped using it, because the side effects could be permanent.

I know a lot of psychotropic meds can lead to tardive dyskenesia, so if you are not comfortable with a medication, stop taking it! I would get a referral to see someone else if your doctor won't cooperate with you.

I can't just stop taking it though...I have no way to safely taper it and the withdrawal is pretty bad and it makes it unsafe to be around other people for who knows how long.

Yes, usually I just stop taking meds if I need to. But you can't split these pills and can't just stop taking them.

[akarro123]

Originally Posted by I.Am.The.End.

At the risk of having my feelings invalidated on here...

I have a very difficult time communicating needs and how I feel to people and I think it's because I have a very real fear of my feelings being dismissed or invalidated. Either that or I'll be straight up made fun of for it, who knows?

I realize that not all my feelings are rational, but that doesn't make them any less real to me. How do I communicate that to people? As long as they acknowledge them as real feelings that have a real impact on my well-being, then we can talk about whether they're rational or not.

I can't bring myself to express needs unless specifically asked. An example is that I go too long without eating or eating much which can cause my blood sugar to get really low (I'm most likely hypoglycemic) and I need almonds, honey, etc. to not feel nauseous/weak etc. And I'm too afraid to say anything until I'm visibly ill. I'm used to pain and nausea so I usually just go through it without saying anything, often pushing my body to do what it needs to do even though I shouldn't. I'm sure there are other examples…but when it comes to physical and emotional needs, I come last. I just wish it would stop, but there's no one I trust enough to communicate all my needs. And I'm always afraid I'll be asking too much.

Hey, I'm Anna. I want you to know that I'm here, and I care. Because I care, I'm going to quickly lecture you: EAT when you should. It's only a sign of self-respect to treat yourself--and your body--well (and you feel this respect upon acting on it). Also, it sounds like you have bipolar--do you? (I have bipolar, but I don't cycle anymore, or have need for medication--there IS hope).

[flower333]

I know how you feel. I have my feelings invalidated by people all the time, esp. my family. My mother especially but my dad as well. If I feel something and say it they will tell me I'm crazy to feel this way and that my feelings are fake and I shouldn't feel this way and even sometimes tell me I'm mentally sick for feeling a certain way. Also tell me life is about facts and not about feeling things like joy or peace. They always get anrgy at me and are full of anger but if I try to defend myself and get a bit angry (bc they attack me) they threaten to send me to the psychiatrist and put me on medication. I'm not allowed to feel anger but they can. They've been like this since I was born and I was happier living in a foreign country and not keeping contact with them. I had to come back bc I was sick and couldn't care for myself and they have told me that I was crazy and that I had a problem for feeling sick. So I'm not even allowed to be sick. They haven't tried to help me at all. Moving to be with another relative at the end of the month and will never come back here.

Another group of people I have problems with are the religious circles. I'm a christian and in christian circles feelings are frowned upon. They will tell you things like "we walk by faith and not feelings". However for me, I really make decisions based on feelings and gut feelings. I feel things very deeply....and the religious circles have really misunderstood me. Whenever I have tried to express feelings (frustration, sadness, joy, etc) I was always told I was crazy for having feelings. A lot of christian people are like robots who cannot think indepently. A lot of them are logical people living from the top opf their heads.

The result of sharing with people and being constantly ivalidated is that I now feel empty and have no emotions for the most part. I may feel things once in awhile but most of the time I feel nothing. I know my feelings will come back once I'm out of here.

LESSON: I don't share feelings with anyone now. I will never do that again unless I know the person very well and feel safe with them and feel that they can be trusted with me emotions.

Good luck to you, you're not alone