[ScaredStraight]

Hello all -

This is a long saga and all of my making. I have been in therapy for about a year now but I really need some advice today. Please try not to think of me as a bad person because I am generally not that at all.

I became involved with a married friend of mine over four years ago. We had a child almost two years into the affair and kept it secret for another year and a half. I became less and less satisfied and wanted more and more, which left be bitter and combative. I eventually placed him in the position of telling even though he didn't want to. I was very pushy and mean and that I also regret.

After the revelation he ceased communication with me and went around telling my parents I raped him. Thankfully I had saved all the communication we had via text (hundreds of thousands) and could back up the fact a relationship existed. Everyone already knew anyway. Still, I was very angered and hurt and after he came to my house on my birthday berating me and demanding a non-court related DNA test I filed for full custody and child support.

He then came back around to me after his wife's divorce filing and he was living with his father. He claimed he wanted to renew our friendship because his marriage wasn't going to be saved. Slowly we started up again and got to the point where I was staying with him at his father's on weekends and later at his apartment (when his father tragically passed). Every once and awhile we would have a flare up and fight but I just chalked it up to the situation and stress. (BTW he was a stay at home dad and is now still jobless).

This week he informed me he would probably be "weird" because he figured they would finalize their divorce this week or early next. He then told me I was probably not going to like it but he didn't want any money from her and wasn't going to ask for it. This comes three weeks after my withdrawal of child support. I had told him I knew he would do it and I wasn't going to let him and he needed to ask for money because he had kids and a future to think about regardless of guild. He agreed.

The next day at pick up of my son he and I got into an epic battle he said was proceeded by him telling her (he said they had gotten to a point where the should be... he claims negotiation-wise) he needed to have a monetary settlement and she went angry again. He said I should have just left because it ended up with us fighting and had I just left he would have been fine. I said I was going to start dating to which he relied "That's GREAT. No, actually it is good."

I'm just really afraid that they are going to divorce because it makes sense financially and then just get back together and screw me over. I really love him even after all of it and even after I know I shouldn't. I feel like I am being paranoid. What should I do?

Really could use some good advice.

[Rose76]

I don't think you are being paranoid. It sounds like his first choice was to stay in the marriage. It sounds like he only considered getting together with you, when he found that his wife was going to leave him. To me, that adds up to you being his second choice. Even if he doesn't get back with his wife, he may always resent you for his marriage coming undone.

Do you have any evidence that his wife really wants him back? She very well may not. If that is the case, then it looks like you may be the one who gets to have him. From what you are saying, I don't see any evidence that he loves either his wife or you.

If his wife is smart, she'll dump this guy and take any money she is entitled to by law. (I take it she has a kid by him.) Then you will get him and what is left over. That might not be such a prize. You might be worrying about the wrong thing. If he doesn't go back to his wife, that doesn't make you secure. A third woman may come into the picture.

Since you've not lived with this guy, there is a lot about him that you do not fully know. You are grateful to have saved texts from him to "back up" your claim that a relationship existed. This makes it sound like you have to have something "on him" to keep him where you want him. This is love?

If you have a job and a nice place to live, then he may have a further reason for wanting to be with you, since he is unemployed. Also, this may give his wife a further reason to not want him back. So you may be the one who wins him, but his wife may end up being luckier that she loses him. He doesn't sound like too great of a catch to me. Meanwhile the years are going by, and you get less young every day. All this time you have spent cornering him is time during which you might have gotten a man all of your own without the baggage. Someday you may regret that you didn't do that.

For the sake of your child, get what money that child is entitled to. Then ask yourself do you really want this guy, or is it just that you are finally having a chance to get what you used to want so bad. The older you get, the smaller the pool of men you will have to choose from. While you are still young, is this guy really the best you can do for yourself? Maybe he is. That's kind of too bad for you.

[arachnophobia.kid]

Thank you for sharing all of this. I'm struggling with how to respond because there seems to be so much going on, however, you're here now, and I can sympathize that this is an awful time and I appreciate that you are reaching out.

Considering your history with this man, it seems you already believe that your relationship with him is unhealthy, and yet you feel it is what you want. I know that you have a child with him and there are probably other reasons for why you'd like him to be a part of your life. But I'd like to ask anyway - why do you still want to maintain a relationship with him?

[ScaredStraight]

Oh I know. I feel like such a loser for loving him because I know he doesn't care about me. That scares me and I don't know how to stop.

[ScaredStraight]

Why is the question. First let me start by thanking you for your post and for not making me feel like more of a jerk than I am (I KNOW I WAS WRONG).

I guess I was just trying to have a real family. He is funny and wonderful when things are OK. I have a son with him and I love him. I think that's what it boils down to.

I'm 33 and he's 52. It's a messed up situation and I know that I should move on.

[Fuzzybear]

[hvert]

I agree with Rose76 that you should be doing what is best for the child first and foremost. It doesn't sound like he'll be paying any child support if he doesn't have an income, but in some places you need to at least file for the support in order to qualify for other programs. Whether they stay married or not, his wife is not going to be paying child support for his other kids.

I would try to figure out why I wanted to be with someone who lied and accused me of a crime to my own parents. He sounds like he has some problems. Sometimes we can't be with the people we are in love with. It hurts, but it can be healthier to let go. Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

[Rose76]

Originally Posted by hvert

He sounds like he has some problems.

That's a safe bet.

This definitely doesn't sound like love & I think it would be wiser if you kept figuring yourself out before putting all of your stock into a relationship that's been messed up from its inception. It only began because he was cheating on his wife & had a child with you. Where did you think that was realistically going & how has any of the ensuing events spelled out that it was something worth keeping?

[Rose76]

Originally Posted by ScaredStraight

I'm 33 and he's 52.

That explains a lot.

Four years ago, you were getting scared of being alone, since you were pushing 30, which at the time seemed real old to you. Meanwhile, he was age 48, which made him seem extra-attractive. (When I was in my late 20's, I kept falling for guys in their late 40's, so I kind of know how that can happen.)

An older guy can sure know how to sweep a girl off her feet . . . especially a girl who hasn't had great luck in the dating game.

You know, yourself, that, as you say, he doesn't really care for you. Yet, you are kind of addicted to him. Living with him would probably go a long way toward helping you to see him as he is, which is not all that attractive. It might start off seeming like a dream come true, if you could be with him. That would wear off. Maybe he has some wealth. Maybe you could be the recipient of some of that. That may be a part of the draw you feel toward him.

You'ld be far better off to find a decent guy your own age . . . or nearer to it. Like I said, that won't get easier, as you get older. For now, maybe it's best to just bide your time and see what happens. Press your claim to get what support he can contribute to the welfare of the child. (Even if he has no job and no income, he probably has some assets.) The past four years must have been lonely for you. Do what you can to get out with single people your age, or married people your age. You might find there is a better solution to your loneliness.

[arachnophobia.kid]

Originally Posted by ScaredStraight

Why is the question. First let me start by thanking you for your post and for not making me feel like more of a jerk than I am (I KNOW I WAS WRONG).

I guess I was just trying to have a real family. He is funny and wonderful when things are OK. I have a son with him and I love him. I think that's what it boils down to.

I'm 33 and he's 52. It's a messed up situation and I know that I should move on.

That must be very difficult, feeling like you should leave, yet you're unable to. I admire your dream of having a family and I know that fighting against strong feelings like that is so confusing and frustrating. It must be very scary to think of life without him too. Please know that you're not a terrible person, you've just made some mistakes and we all make mistakes.

You may have thought about this already and I won't tell you what to do. I would just like you to consider that sometimes the most loving thing to do, for both you and your partner, is to stop seeing each other if the relationship is clearly unhealthy. It's up to you to figure out if this is accurate in your situation. Either way, I hope you will find some relief.