[binvt]

We've been married 7 years. We have a 4 year old daughter. The year our daughter was born I started building a house myself. We moved in the next year. Before that we spent a lot of time together - lunch every day. After our daughter was born there was no sex for over a year. She would tell me it was something psychologically deep, something to do with me being present at the birth. What could I say? It was frustrating at times, but I tried to keep myself busy and not think about it. The house was a good distraction. After we moved in, we spent a lot less time together. No more lunches. Ever. I began to feel lonely. I tried to talk about it but it just seemed to stress her out. She began to develop new interests/friends. Sex had only improved a little. Maybe twice a month and sometimes it wouldn't work at all. She would just lay there like a tree. Eventually give up saying she doesn't feel anything. Last fall I was at my wits end. I sat her down and said something needs to change. I told her I need more time together, that I was lonely, etc... Her response was pretty cold. She needs space and lots of it. She said that all of her energy was being used up with the other things going on in her life and that she didn't have any left for me.
She has been seeing a counselor. I suggested many times that we see one together, but there was no interest. Last month things really took a turn for the worse. On a Friday, after a session with her counselor she came home and told me that her counselor told her that she seemed like a battered woman. Something changed in her then. She said she wanted a separation, that she didn't think she could ever have sex with me again. It was pretty ugly. Since then she has somewhat turned around and now she only needs a break, a reset as she says. She will be going away for 2 months to stay with her family.

Now, before things got bad, we never argued. We never shouted at each other. I can't say we have had a bad relationship. In fact, up until a few years ago I was pretty happy. I thought she was too. She did tell me that she had been doing a lot of pretending - sex, affection...
Every time I try to talk to her about the way I feel, she turns it on me and makes me feel like I am the bad person, like I am accusing her, "just one more thing you don't like about me" as she puts it. I mean, if I start a conversation by saying "I feel like this..." she immediately takes the defensive position and starts fighting out. I feel like I'm not allowed to have a voice here.

Obviously this is very one sided. I mean this is my side of the story and there are a lot of things left out. I'm totally lost. Not a clue what to do. Can someone offer some advice?

[kaliope]

hi binvt
wow. just seeing it from your side, there is something very wrong with her. I would suspect that she suffered some trauma long before you that was triggered by the birth of your child. it is all being projected on you. sounds like a separation is a good idea so that she can sort things out. welcome to psych central. you will find that we have several forums where you can post about your concerns and receive feedback from other members. you will get a lot of support here. again, welcome

[Puglife]

I'm sorry you are going through this. It sounds like she has several issues going on. If I were you I would insist on couples counseling before a reconciliation. You should also see a therapist yourself, if you aren't already. Even if you don't end up staying together, you two will still need to co-parent and communicate.

Good luck!

[NWgirl2013]

Is it possible to see the counselor she saw? I know they won't tell you anything about her sessions, but perhaps if she is no longer seeing that counselor, they would consider hearing 'your side' and give you some insights as to how to proceed.
Just a thought...

I wish you only the best as you sort out how to move forward.