[ace333]

i was wondering if anyone can help me out. so for the background information, during a point in my relationship my boyfriend left me for about a month, but we got back together, however during this month he told me about this girl whom was trying to hit on and get with him. nothing happened between them, he wanted me back and now we are back together. he seemed/ still seems to want to prove his innocence, he tells me nothing happened, he told her to leave him alone he wasn't into sluts and it was never going to happen. he has shown me/ given me all his social meida passwords, lets me see his phone ( not that i ask). and it all points to him telling the truth that nothing happened. but for some reason i don't beleieve him. it causes me to have uncontrollable rage to even think this slut even talked to him and im extremely jealous anyways, a fact hes known our whole relationship and him being in a band doesn't help. also the fact that hes in a band and he knew this girl through friends growing up makes it harder it deal with...she shows up to to shows when he plays and other things becasue of the mutal friends. everytime i see her i want to beat the H**l out of her and make sure she never comes around again, even though shes never really done anything personally to me. my boyfriend ignores her and avoid her at all costs out in public, but she'll still try to wave or say hi to him...whihc i don't understand why you would show up or try to talk to someone after they call you out on being a slut? can she not take a hint?

like i said before anytime i think about it ( which has been progressivly more and more) or see this person, i get into a horrible rage and want to react violently, though i never do. is there anything i can do to stop feeling this way? i feel like a bad person at times but then other times i feel justified in feeling like this not sure which is right

[Trippin2.0]

Well you're understandably angry and jealous, whether or not anything actually happened is a different story.

From where I'm standing tho, (and if I'm reading this right) you're directing your anger at the wrong person.

You 2 were broken up when this girl tried to enter the picture.

So by that logic alone, she didn't overstep a boundary, your bf was single.

Also, how did she know he was up for grabs I wonder... I mean you say she's "slutty" but they've known eachother forever, so why if she's as skanky as your bf says, does she wait till he's single to make her move? And who told her he was single, I mean a month isn't long at all, so gossip about your break-up must have spread far and fast.

Anyway, your bf was a single man, so she doesn't deserve your rage.

Buuut,
How'd you find out about her?

He told you, knowing it would make you jealous. I mean why else would you tell the girl you JUST dumped about another girl persuing you?

Idle chit chat?

I think not.

Your bf dumped you, then played jealousy head games with you, and now you hate a girl who doesn't even know she did anything to you.

On the other hand;
If she tried to jump his bones knowing he has a gf, then yes, by all means rage at the girl, rip her eyes out if you must. Lol

Or not. I wouldn't (not anymore anyway ), because after the insecurities and jealousies subside, other girls seem sad because they want what I have.

[ace333]

she knew because word did travel fast and she is slutty...she has slept with 3 of the five band memebers whom are his friends and also many other of his friends, he doesn't really know her she was more of an aquantance like and friend of a friend of a friends sister. but why dump me to make me jealous is another question. when he dumped me she was there next day trying to get with him out of nowhere, and he told he no to stay away from him and that he wasn't sure he really wanted to be broken up from me...which clearly he didn't since we are back together, she was harassing him to the point he got fed up and called her out on being a slut and he doesn't assoicate with sluts...she hasn't texted facebooked or anything to him since but she will show up to shows for some unknown reason and everytime i see her 0-60 rage instant. she obviously knows who i am because he told her about me so why show up when you know you are not wanted and its never going to happen, am i going to have to fight you to get the point across...ignoring her on his part isn't doing anything, and i can't stand seeing or hearing about her slutty behavior because it brings up thoughts when she was trying her hardest to get with my bf. and in ways during the breakup it was almost not even a real breakup, he left me but still contact me everyday wanting to know who i was with what i was doing, still wanted to see me would still slip up and do things he would when we were together and like i said it didn't last long.
i feel bad because i really shouldn't worry about her as much as i am, it stupid and a wste of time and energy. the truth and all the proof of innocence has been given to me without question or fight, but i still cant stop the rage and the urge to want to beat her to a bloody pulp... even if it was't this specific person i get this way with any girl who steps out of line....i don't feel its healthy and i know i cant control what he does regardless of if we are togther or not. so its a problem i want to overcome

to add some info my bf is open and honest about things, like i said he gives me full open range to anything i want regarding social media his phone anything, i have free reign so i would know if something is up. he very open with his feelings, although not as affectionate as id like him to be but very much what you see is what you get. i have told him that situation and the breakup itself have been alot of stress and are a huge factor in why i feel these rage outbursts alot of the time, and that only time is going to make them go away. its only been 2 months since we have been back together we have been together alomst 6 including the breakup ( we decided to still keep our same anniversary and just continue on our relationship with the changes we both wanted to make). so i do feel it should be ok for me to feel this way, its still realitvily fresh. and breaking up is still a fear to me now. but i want my rage under control and im having trouble figuring out how to ge it that way.

[ace333]

as another side note during our breakup on day when he told me about the girl and i showed signs of extreme anger and jealousy he tried to get mad at, but i countered with " and how would you feel and or act if i was talking to some random guy right now" his response was the same anger and jealous behavior...how could he get mad when he left me at the time...obviously i wasn't talking another, i was severly depressed and just wanted him back.

[Trippin2.0]

Ok, firstly, idk this girl and I'm not taking her part, but I would just like to say that having sex with 2 men does not a slut make. Slut is such a shameful and judgemental word anyway, and I don't appreciate it being thrown around, at us women, especially when directed at people who are not present to defend themselves.

Secondly, is it AT ALL possible your bf's band ACTUALLY makes GOOD music and that she enjoys it???

Hmmm, maybe that's why people go to watch them? and not for the sole purpose of trying to steal your bf...

Ok, since I've got that out of the way....

Its nice that your bf is so open and honest with you, its endearing really, (or maybe he's just scared shytless of your rage? who knows) nevertheless, transparancy is mostly a GOOD thing, but I am a believer in moderation (too much of anything is bad for you) and would have preferred not to know about a girl chasing my ex whom I still very much want back.

I mean, what good does knowing do?
He's not ,my bf, so essentially it's none of my business (even though it feels like it is), they never slept together( so no chance of me getting STD's when we get back together), so YTF do I need to know something that will only drive me nuts and in reality didn't even affect me directly?

Point made? I hope so, I'm not saying my way is right, just trying to get you to see why I would have preffered something different.

Now the anger issue.

Anger is very familiar to me, like a favourite childhood blankie I never (fully) outgrew.
It comes natural, it comes easy, and it fits nice. Anger and I are no strangers.

That being said, its not just because its familiar, like an old bad habit, but because I've aquainted myself with it and gotten to know my own anger very well.

Well I had to, I mean I'm just much too pretty for jail, and knowledge is power!

Ace, incase nobody has informed you yet, anger is a secondary emotion, its like a sub-emotion, if you will.

The best way to deal with anger and learn to manage it, is to learn to identify the actual emotions behind the anger. When we deal with the emotion that triggers it, then with practice it can become easier to diffuse.

For example, sadness, hurt and feeling betrayed (I mention "feeling" because it could be perceived betrayal) leads me to feeling an intense level of anger. Insecurity used to fuel jealousy, which sparked anger too in the past for me.

See, there's always a feeling behind what made you angry.

So, with that in mind I suggest the following....

Think about this girl, and all the others whom you want to disfigure, and identify what is it about them that gets you to react. What is your core emotional response, that these women provoke, and then you will get to the root of your anger.

Most people will go ahead and tell you it's insecurity or whatnot, but I urge you to question the WHY.

So even if you find they do provoke feelings of insecurity, WHY, what about them makes YOU feel inferior?... etc

That way when you get to the WHY, you can discuss with your BF and he can squash whatever fears or feelings come up for you, which will hopefully help you move forward from this.

Anger is comfortable, but it's heavy, its expensive and not to mention dangerous.

If my above suggestions aren't welcomed or viable, I kindly urge you to seek professional help, maybe an Anger Managament course or something similar will be useful to you.

[ace333]

i do see what you are saying about anger and your explaination does help in my situation. the biggest problem is like you said before, why should care about any of it including that girl, and i know i shouldn't which is why im having such a difficult time in thinking " why am i angry" its like i can't fathom a reason why other than jealousy or insercurity but i still feel rageful.

[trying2survive]

Originally Posted by ace333

i was wondering if anyone can help me out. so for the background information, during a point in my relationship my boyfriend left me for about a month, but we got back together, however during this month he told me about this girl whom was trying to hit on and get with him. nothing happened between them, he wanted me back and now we are back together. he seemed/ still seems to want to prove his innocence, he tells me nothing happened, he told her to leave him alone he wasn't into sluts and it was never going to happen. he has shown me/ given me all his social meida passwords, lets me see his phone ( not that i ask). and it all points to him telling the truth that nothing happened. but for some reason i don't beleieve him. it causes me to have uncontrollable rage to even think this slut even talked to him and im extremely jealous anyways, a fact hes known our whole relationship and him being in a band doesn't help. also the fact that hes in a band and he knew this girl through friends growing up makes it harder it deal with...she shows up to to shows when he plays and other things becasue of the mutal friends. everytime i see her i want to beat the H**l out of her and make sure she never comes around again, even though shes never really done anything personally to me. my boyfriend ignores her and avoid her at all costs out in public, but she'll still try to wave or say hi to him...whihc i don't understand why you would show up or try to talk to someone after they call you out on being a slut? can she not take a hint?

like i said before anytime i think about it ( which has been progressivly more and more) or see this person, i get into a horrible rage and want to react violently, though i never do. is there anything i can do to stop feeling this way? i feel like a bad person at times but then other times i feel justified in feeling like this not sure which is right

ace..it sounds to me like the both of you are playing immature head games with each other to test each other's love for one another..guys this needs to stop. the both of you are going to wind up really hurt if you guys continue this behavior..love is not about jealousy..jealousy is about insecurity, it appears to me the both of you are insecure and i assume this appears to be coming from past trauma from previous relationships. trust loyalty and respect are keys to a healthy relationship.

right now i cannot say that i believe you guys have a whole lot of either.

you guys need to take the time to explain to each other ( in a calm manner)
how you feel when these things occur & how to address these issues.
it appears that he has taken great effort to prove nothing happened..but i suspect he may have gotten a rise out of making you jealous..this is a dangerous game he is playing and if it continues this is not going to end well.

do yourself a favor, don't let this woman upset you..by letting her upset you you give her power over your emotions. if you believe him and trust him i wouldn't be concerned about her.."keep your house in order" so to speak
and you will have little to worry about if you know you are doing what you are supposed to, he has no reason to run to this other woman.

[ace333]

i would agree that we are both insecure, i have always been insecure not just becasue of past relationships, but i make it a point that i am not playing head games with him, i know that i want to be with me, i love him without question. so i don't know why he would feel the need to play jealousy games, maybe he just gets a kick out it, or its an ego boost cuz he's in a band. im not sure, but to me if you want to keep someone around you wouldn't do these things. i have tried to talk to him but it always turns into a fight, even if i stay calm he gets angry, counceiling is out of the question, but im just trying to get my emotions under control. and worry only about myself and our relationship like you said, its just difficult at times