[Almeera]

* If I could edit the title I would in fact take out the "unreasonable" bit. Now I had a little more time to sit on it (and thanks to Djinn) I think we're both guilty of that. *

I wanted to post this last night, but I was so shaken I couldn't remember my username. Anyway, I need help/advice BADLY. The sooner the better because right now, where I am, I have literally no friends or family to turn to.

Last night, I had a catatonic episode - basically I was so burned out from working 3 jobs at once to support myself and my live-in fiance (who doesn't work & whose dad cut him off). He tried to help at first. His suggestions? Let's go out on the bench (1 AM, inner courtyard, neighbors were bound to hear me crying & I couldn't move). Let's watch Lion King (um, what?!). Let's see if I can make you cry. (The hell?!) Eventually he started to tickle my feet (which I hate), at which point I got out of bed and curled up on the carpet. He said - quote - "OK please stop, I don't want this vegetable-you, I want my girlfriend back." Then he picked me up curled up as I was (it hurt!!) and threw me on the bed. Then pulled me off the bed to adjust the covers (?) and I ran to the bathroom and locked myself in, I was so shocked. He told me again to stop it, said he hadn't slept in 20 hours and "All right, OK, I'm going to bed." AND HE DID.

IF IT WERE HIM SOBBING IN THE BATHROOM, I'D BREAK THE DOOR DOWN. He just ****ing went to bed. Not the first time he ignores me when I'm having a major episode and NEED him, he says he "doesn't know what to do with me" (when I'm like that?) and is COMPLETELY unreasonable and selfish: "How do you think this makes ME feel?!" etc.

I'm in therapy, off medication for now, but knowing I can't rely on this man I used to love with all my heart is killing me. Is it really time to walk away? When I'm not during one of my episodes it's all good, we get along great. When I am, though - zero support. He just doesn't know what to do/doesn't want to learn what to do.

What should I do??

[hvert]

Is there something specific you want him to do when you are upset in that way? It sounds like he tried a few things that weren't what you wanted and then gave up trying to figure it out -- which may not be ideal, but it's understandable, in a way.

The fact that you are working three jobs and supporting him while he isn't working at all is kind of a huge red flag to me. Is he making an effort to get a job and support himself?

[Almeera]

Nah, not really. He says he wants to go back to college again rather than work; the fact that he dropped out in the first place was the reason his dad cut him off and passed him over to me, like "He's your problem now, handle it." - while also telling my fiance behind my back that "Now you're broke and penniless, she'll break up with you, just you wait."

The problem is, I don't trust he will graduate this time, either. The last time he gave up because he wanted to be a unique snowflake and expected everyone to be in awe of his talent - which is indisputable, but still raw (he doesn't think hard work is worth "wasting time" with.)

Anyway, yes, he did try to help, but the problem is he knew full well his suggestions were BS. He wanted me to watch Lion King so he could see me cry harder (it's not the first time he brings it up even though he KNOWS that scene with Simba's dad in the beginning is a very VERY strong trigger for me). That doesn't seem helpful to me. At all.

[Djinn8]

I don't want to seem like an assh*le here, but I *might* relate to the guy. If things between you are anything like they were with me and my ex-fiance then perhaps the situation is something like this.

My ex had bad bi-polar and was very emotional. I had (and still have) problems of my own. However I was expected to be the carer of the relationship, while she was the bread-winner thanks to the crazy amount of money she had coming in from benefits. Even though she didn't really do anything for this money, she still saw me as "owing" her for it by providing the attention she needed. After years of this, dealing with her mood swings, her hostility and her selfishness, I just stopped caring about placating her much. I didn't love her any less, but I was out of patience and felt neglected. When she would start scapegoating me, I'd intellectually bully her back. It got fairly abusive towards the end. After we hit a bad spot in life, she sought an escape by throwing herself at the first guy that showed an interest and we parted ways.

But that wasn't the end I would have wanted and it could have been avoided. Like I said, I don't know if your situation is much like my own and I'm probably projecting a bit, but if it is:

Give the guy a break, he's probably tired of dealing with you. If he doesn't have a job, doesn't know what he wants from life, and his family are been less than supportive, he's probably got issues of his own. Being the one who earns might not mean that much in his eyes. He might want YOUR emotional support for a while. Try to reign back your needs, even if it's hard, and look out for him for a while. He might not appreciate it, and it might seem unfair, but the pressure of looking out for you might give him the breathing room he needs to make himself happy. I mean, it might work, or it might just shift the balance entirely into his favor and just make things more broken. If it does, then I'd say that's the time to break up with him. But now? I don't know, feels wrong to me. Like the guys all used up so you're going to take the money and run.

[Almeera]

Thanks for your perspective Djinn, and no - you don't seem like an asshole.

Episodes like the one I described in my OP happen once a month or even rarer. The rest of the time, I do my best to be helpful and supportive. I actually keep track of our fights and how often they're triggered by my episodes vs. how often he just blatantly doesn't give a *****. More often than not, when we fight it's because of the latter. I can rarely count on him - for anything.

I do all the work outside the house and most of it inside (laundry, dishes, vacuuming etc.) while he does whatever he feels like - all day, every day. I feel like an enabler and a surrogate mum rather than the woman who'll one day be this man's wife. I do NOT want to be babied or cared for like a sick person; what I want is to know I can count on him in moments of crisis, that and nothing more. The rest of the time I'm fine. He actively refuses to educate himself on how to help me in such times OR help himself for his own problems, which I have tried and failed to assist with. I was met with indifference at best, aggression at worst, and threats to leave if I insisted that for eg. he needs therapy (which he absolutely does).

( Edit: Oh yeah, and the one time I actually cut off our Internet to get him off a 14-hour online gaming spree he actually was this close to turning violent. )

I don't know, maybe I'm being obtuse. Our situation and yours seems quite different, but then again I only know what it's like to be me, not what it's like to live with me. I intend to give him space for now, we both need it. But if he can't be supportive at all - and he's not, because every time I've needed him he bailed - I don't know if I can keep this up. And I promise you, I'm just as "used up" mentally, emotionally and financially as he is. Maybe even more.

[Confusedinomicon]

I think working 3 jobs is crazy and it's a red flag.

Maybe cut the internet and have him commute to the local library. You could get him a basic flip phone so you guys could still communicate when he's not home.

I think you are going to burn out if you aren't already.

[wyss]

From someone who once supported a boyfriend by working 3 jobs and care taking, while he "waited" for the right opportunity to come along... Here is my two-cents.

1) Maybe you need him to be supportive by getting a job and paying half of the bills?
2) You might be able to take time to sort out your issues and work on yourself if you did not have to work 3 jobs?
3) MAKE time to go to see someone who can help you figure out what you need to do to feel better and more stable

I hate to say it, but the best thing might be for you to go your own separate ways for awhile until you can both get to where you need to be in life before being in a marriage.

[avlady]

dijinn8 i thought you were right at first, but after reading the other posts i think this person is missing all the red flags. Almeera, you need to do something for yourself, you'll get burned out because your doing too much for this person. if he isn't working why are you doing all the dishes and such too. Does he ever do a dish or clean up after himself?