[Heather11]

Im at the end of the rope. I'm trying my best and I let him get the best of me again. I can't even speak to him without having to maneuver out of his loaded manipulation of words. I can't walk away without him verbally attacking me. Sometimes I attack back and others I ignore and walk away. Either way I am miserable.
There's a back story that's too long but as soon as I got home after work, while trying to deal with his behavioral issues and school administration simultaneously,I am bombarded. (he knows the best time to catch me with my guard weakened) it continued through the night as we try to get through dinner and homework. My son has add/OCD btw.

So I finally lost it. I could feel it boiling and part of me told myself not to say it and I just boiled over anyway. And I repeated it. I know it just gave him some satisfaction to hear me so angry. Thats his thing... and i havent broken the cycle yet.
And then when im done and away from him, I crumble in shame but I'm still so angry. I've never said that before. How do I bounce back from this? What do I even say at this point. Do I just ignore him for a while?

[hannabee]

oh so sorry you are going through this! Teenagers CAN be a handful and do know how to push our buttons. My oldest daughter gave us a real run for our money for about 2 years. I finally threatened to send her to boarding school and suddenly, she was a changed girl!!!
Don't be too hard on yourself. I might just say sorry I totally lost it and that I didn't mean it and to please STOP misbehaving!! Good luck and hugs!

[Bolivar83]

so sorry; I can hear how upset you are... not being a parent, just an aunt, I have the luxury of not being the prime disciplinarian or the person who must live with my nephews/nieces day after day. You have a hard job as a mom, and dealing with emotional issues makes it more of a challenge. Everyone slips sometimes, says things they regret. I hope you can forgive yourself and be kind to yourself tonight. Everyone gets frustrated.

Take care of yourself; hope you can reach out to a friend or family member tonight, as well. Sending you good thoughts

[TrueMe]

I'm sorry you're feeling so bad. As parents we all make mistakes. Forgive yourself and move forward. I have raised 5 children and have had my fair share of difficult teens! A valuable lesson I learned along the way is the power of an apology and raw emotion. This is how I would proceed if I found myself where you are. Get him in the car and go for a drive, or some other activity that puts you both in a neutral mood, car rides always worked with my boys. Then just be honest and real. Say something like, "I'm really sorry for losing my temper and saying I hate you. I don't hate you, I will never hate you, I will love you forever no matter what you say or do. What I actually hated was how I was feeling when we were fighting. I don't want to fight with you like that anymore." Be careful not to say he made you mad, or he made you feel a certain way, just own your actions for now. I learned the hard way that teaching our kids how to communicate well was vital. I made a decision that I was never going to be in the place of losing my temper again. I realized temper loss was just feeling helpless and out of control. You're never helpless, and you can always take back control. I made it clear when they wanted something, if my answer was no, they had the option of changing my mind. That's life in the adult world, learning how to get what you need/want. If they argued their point in a way that was disrespectful or rude or any other way un-constructive, I would respond with, "You need to talk to me in a way that makes me want to listen, not in a way that makes me want to send you to your room." They learned quickly that if they used words that angered me, the discussion was over, and the No answer stood. Honestly, I can't tell you how much better it felt NOT having to get angry. When conversations start to heat up with your son, it's ok to say, "We are only getting mad at this point so I'm going to stop this conversation until we feel better." You can choose when to put the brakes on, by doing so you will model good communication for him.
I hope this isn't coming across as preaching!!! I truly feel your anguish. Parenting is a constant learning process, you WILL get through this! All the best and I hope today is better for you both.

[Heather11]

Thank you so much true me ! That is a very helpful perspective.

[RichardBrooks]

What TrueMe said.

I can't tell you how many times my oldest stepson nearly took a swing at me and how many times I nearly walked out because of his behavior. (He also has severe ADHD.) This all changed one night when he was 14. I don't even remember what the fight was about... using his mom's credit card to buy something off E-bay, I think. Anyway, his mother jumped in and said "I can't take this anymore. One more argument and one of you will have to leave, and it won't matter who's right or wrong, I can't throw my son out."

After he slammed his bedroom door in my face, I gave him a few minutes, then knocked on his door and told him to come to the kitchen where we would sit down and talk like adults. I told him that, firstly, I wasn't going anywhere. We were going settle whatever came up, because that's what families do. But his mom was right; the fighting had to stop. Secondly, there were still going to be arguments, but instead of letting things escalate or yelling, when he got too upset he could just say "break" or "timeout" and go to his room for ten minutes before sitting down at the kitchen table and talking about things rationally just like we were doing then. And, finally, that he had to understand and respect the fact that I was an adult and a man and all the crap he was dealing with and going to be dealing with in the next few years I had already had to deal with before he was even born. That didn't necessarily mean that I always knew better or had the upper hand in any disagreement, but it did mean that when I told him he should do something he didn't want to or not do something he did want to, it was because I had been there before and was trying to keep him from getting hurt or in trouble or making a mistake he'd regret down the line. That meant that he could also ask me about anything-- from the reason behind the rules his mom and I made to girls to how to fix a situation if he had already screwed up. Anyway, we talked, we came to an agreement and shook hands on it, we hugged-- which, between his OCD and my Asperger's, was really awkward for both of us.

The thing is, raising teenagers is a constant power struggle. They are trying to assert their authority in order to claim their adulthood. And who can blame them? Because they're still kids and don't have adult responsibilities like utility bills and health insurance, they have disposable income which means popular culture caters to them, reinforcing their sense of entitlement. They are also having to make adult decisions like where to go to college and what kind of career they're going to pursue, and they're expected to make these decisions with no adult experience whatsoever and no concept of time-- every decision they make is, in their minds, for-the-rest-of-their-lives! So they have all these Big Important choices to make and all these Big Important burdens and stress and no one understands them so why do you still treat me like a kid but expect me to act like an adult?! It's not fair!

So, really, what's the harm in giving them a little power? Let them shoulder some of the stress. Do just like you did when they were learning how to walk: let them go but be there to pick them up when they need picked up, tell them to pick themselves up when they need to pick themselves up, and knock them down when they need knocked down.

[Perna]

I take comfort from toddlers who "hate" their mother when they are frustrated, they don't mean it either

I guess you have to do boundaries and concentrate on them and enforcing them. When people upset us on the phone we say, "I cannot talk to you right now, I feel too angry so I am going to hang up" and then they do that. You could modify that with "leaving" (put yourself in time out making yourself unavailable to him rather than the other way around). My stepmother use to go for a walk around the neighborhood many evenings after my father got home if she was stressed with having dealt with me.