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#1
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A couple days ago someone attempted at a poll on "how much house space". I don't think they got their point across and the poll didn't really get followed up on.
What I got from it, though, is how do you know if you are spending enough time together or how much time apart is too much? This is something that I think about often. My husband and my situation is a little bit different so I will briefly explain. We're dealing with the aftermath of an affair (mine), he is a musician by night, and we are both fairly independent people (atleast I USED to be!), and we are 26 with no children. I guess I just get confused sometimes because I've always considered myself to be independent and love my "alone time" and time with friends. Lately, with my anxiety and winter blues increased, I get really lonely when he's at practice (twice a week) or downstairs playing music. He is truly passionate about it and this is one of the reasons I love him so much and I do not want to take away something that makes him him. Also, I mostly do feel that we get in a lot of "date" time and time to take care of the house throughout the week or on weekends. I guess my point here is this: I don't like that I'm uncomfortable with being alone lately and I don't know if it is just because I am overly-anxious lately and jealous because he has his "thing" and I do not or if our time apart is actually unhealthy. Suggestions I've gotten from friends and my therapist is that I should just use the oppportunities to focus on myself and find a hobby and to not try to so dependent on what he's doing but to work on myself. Otherwise, I fear that me saying to him "I'm lonely without you" "Please stay home", etc. is only going to push him further away. Can anyone out there relate? Do you think it's "abnormal" (Whatever that may mean) to spend a couple nights independently. My parents relationship is looked at is ideal by many but I have to say they are each other's only friends. Neither ever went out without each other and they are always basically always together. If my husband and I spend a night apart with friends I feel judgement from my parents as though that is somehow unhealthy or "risky" or "immature" behavior. I have always felt good about our independence (or interdependence?) until recently when my anxiety has been heightened. This is a classic, what comes first, the chicken or the egg situation. Just wanted to get a feel for other's perspectives and/or situations on this topic. Thanks! |
#2
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Or read "razeljenny"s newest post on "house space". I think this could be an interesting topic.
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#3
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Somehow, the decision to have greater faith in my qualities can get me somewhere now. It started last year, when I went to a interesting carrer. Slowly I spent less time with my husband and even less time even when we were in the house together. Yet I began to appreciate the times we shared more. It felt as if the tension of "not" being able to involve in my activities due to my job, increased both of our pleasure and caused a pull of interesting stress that I will call excitment. Although the excitment was strange feeling and very errie for me I continued to believe that he very much was deeply in love with me and I with him. The best sharing experiences began together and I advertise that it is worth trying this unusual feeling way of communicating.
Some of the best success stories of couples are people that fly, people that are like eagles and aren't fearing. Fearing is so so debilitating and the way to get rid of fearing is busy myself for 15 or 20 minutes and slowly day by day see if I can stretch that time out a little bit more. I wrote down this time I spend to get conditioned. Eventually I become euphoric because I did this. Than he follows the mood with his life and before I know it the love we have became symphonic. It did that because I tried something in a sparkling way. That was what made it work.
__________________
"How lovely is the hand of God that soothes the rough road man has trod" (from-Beside Still Waters-A Book by Raymond B. Walker) |
#4
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My husband and I are a bit like your parents but at the same time, I have had to be alone when he's gone on a business trip or something and was extremely anxious, when I use to live alone for 13 years before meeting him!
People are different and have different needs at different times. I don't think there's any hard and fast rule for relationships, it's what works most of the time for both people? My husband worked with a man from China and he and his wife only see each other maybe once a month, they work in different cities. They were thrilled when her company moved her to a city closer to here so he could fly and see her most weekends instead. They are a truly international couple, fly to China to visit parents several times a year and other locations (she works for an international firm that has her travelling often). It seems to work for them, they're happy (I met her one Christmas party she flew in for :-) I noticed you mentioned "going out" with friends a couple nights a week, I assumed when your husband was working? Why do you have to go out. That's a bit of avoidance in working upstairs with "yourself" while your husband is downstairs? My husband and I are retired so at home "together" all day, every day but he works upstairs and I work downstairs. I "see" him only a couple times a day! We often e-mail one another :-) But I'm "aware" of him/his presence in the house and comforted by it; it's exactly the same as if I were out together for dinner or doing grocery shopping/chores, going on an "adventure." It looks to me from your therapist's advice and things you've said like you might be running from yourself; trying to distract yourself with your affair and being with others from yourself? If I were you I'd find some "workbooks" (I love Julia Cameron's The Artist's Way and do some journaling/exploring of yourself with yourself alone?
__________________
"Never give a sword to a man who can't dance." ~Confucius |
#5
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Perna-
I know, you are right. The bottom line is I just have a hard time being by myself. Most nights we are "together", as you say, even if he is downstairs and I am upstairs. I guess it's just that during those times or when he is away at band practice, I don't know what to do with myself. I don't feel that he's neglecting me, but perhaps that I'm neglecting myself. I always want to "plan" things or "do" things and I'm not sure of how to occupy time when I don't have distractions such as other people around me. But I am working on it- doing crafts, journaling, reading, house projects, etc. It's just that it as a time right now for me where these normal days/nights when we're apart, and I start to get anxious and think that there must be something wrong with that if we are not together. I don't know it sounds dumb when I say that. But thanks for the advice and I will look into that book. Take care! |
#6
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Tiodlliwi, he has a weird way of using energy to begin with so I guess that you have a big dilemma. I can see the difference in energy there.
Maybe you should syncronize and do an exciting activity different than his but just as much of a lift up. I can't think of anything, can you? How about a dance club night where you throw a party with all your cool friends and use cool lamps and music and stuff and just hang out and have a blast with "your neat friends" Nothing dirty or seedy as far as sexual activity, but at the same time you and a couple of your girlfriends could study belly dancing together and have a blast and laugh your buts off as well. You sound so interesting to be in love with this musical guy and you too must have some groove, so maybe get into that art and see some thrilling happiness, and don't be too shy, just stay good for yourself where your bounderies lay. Love Razeljenny. (smile)
__________________
"How lovely is the hand of God that soothes the rough road man has trod" (from-Beside Still Waters-A Book by Raymond B. Walker) |
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