[sophiej14]

Im so in love with my boyfriend, ive never experienced anything like it but how we got together wasn’t ideal and now it affecting our relationship. Let me explain…

We were both with other people, married in fact. We have been friends for a long time and have always fought off our feelings for each other. Last year we finally confronted the issue and we both told each other that we loved the other and always had. I was very unhappy in my marriage and he was unhappy in his. I didn’t love my husband but staying with him was the right thing to do. It got to a point where I felt like I was going mad.
After we discussed this, we didn’t end it with our then partners straight away. (I know, thats terrible, I live with the guilt) I decided that I couldn’t do it that way. I wanted to be with him and him only. My husband and I went our separate ways but he stayed with his wife! He kept telling me that he wanted to be with me and he loved me but that he would say he couldn’t leave his children. I needed to know either way. I wasn’t asking him to leave her, I was asking him to be fair. I wasn’t going back to my husband, no way, but I did need to know either way if he wanted to be with me or not so I could move on.

The months that followed were very turbulent. He did leave her, but not for me. He moved into his own place and did things his own way. Up to the point where she knew he was seeing me he told me lots of hurtful lies to try and cover up his movements. He was hiding her from me and me from her. He came clean a few weeks back and things are better. Obviously the pressure of lies was getting to him and making him do stupid things that hurt me.

Things with us are great now most of the time. We talk of our future together, a family, ( I didn’t even know I wanted a family) I’ve never been happier or more in love. It’s like movie love… its amazing. He has his children regularly and is talking about introducing me to them.

The only thing that still remains is his inability to be fair. His ex calls the house daily. She texts, emails, calls constantly about things that are not important about the children. She gets her parents to email him… he is allowing it to happen as he won’t set the boundary. Until the divorce is finalised I guess this is just how it is, but I don’t know how to deal with it. It all makes me very uncomfortable. She calls when I’m at his house and he hides away to take the call in secret. His phone goes off and he ignores it until I leave the room then when I come back into the room, he quickly stuffs it in his pocket. Am I reading too much into that?

I feel like on the protection of feelings hierarchy… I’m at the bottom
How do I deal with all this? All the websites I’m reading tell me to walk away and come back in 6-12 months but I’ve fought for this relationship too hard already.

Why should I just walk away? Is that really the answer?

[gayleggg]

I heard Oprah say one day, "if someone shows you who they are, believe them." This man has hid things from you and still seem to be hiding stuff. No, I don't agree that the boundaries should be set after the divorce, they should have already been set. He has not let go of his ex. He still keeps her in his life(therefore, your life). Sounds like to me he wants to keep both of you. I would think twice before putting anymore effort into this relationship. Sorry for the bummer of an answer, but been there, done that.

[sophiej14]

i appreciate your honesty and i have the same view about all the lies and hurtful stuff but i have to draw a line under that. We had a huge bust up about everything just before he came clean to everyone about us. I know that all the lies where to protect the people he loves. Me and his children. He didn't realise that we didn't need protecting. Now we have established that, its so much better. Its proof that lies really do eat you up!
My issue now is with the calls and text from the ex. its daily. Do i have a right to be annoyed? Is it out of line for me to say that i don't agree with it? How do i handle her?
I've never been in a relationship with somebody who has an ex wife and children before.

[waiting4]

I have to agree with gayle and add....you will ALWAYS be at the bottom rung where his kids are involved, and if you didn't already know that...news flash, that's what happens when someone becomes a parent.

As for the constant calling from his soon-to-be-ex...yeah, that's not good at all. And boundaries should have been set by now, I totally agree. So set them. For YOU.

I know you're in love and its 'movie-like' love, but that kind of love happens in movies for a reason...it's not real. I know you feel you've worked too hard, invested so much into this relationship to leave it now, but a wise woman once told me, when I was having issues with my now ex.....don't get hung up on thinking what you've given up, time you've spent, love you've invested in a relationship that is not going where you need it to. It's not about the time or investment. It's about THE RELATIONSHIP...and if it is failing for whatever reason.....cut your losses and walk away.

That said, first, talk to him, Explain your concerns....DON'T IMPLY THE CHILDRENS NEEDS ARE SECONDARY by bringing them into the whole phone thing. If he does, and he will, explain you totally get he needs to address issues about the kids...then ask....if the minutia are so important, perhaps he needs to ask for more time with them...aka custody. Let him float that one down the stream of his soon-to-be-ex's river.

In the end, only you know what to do, but like gayle, I've been there, done that...and it usually ends messy.

Take care...(hugs)

[sophiej14]

Originally Posted by waiting4

I have to agree with gayle and add....you will ALWAYS be at the bottom rung where his kids are involved, and if you didn't already know that...news flash, that's what happens when someone becomes a parent.

As for the constant calling from his soon-to-be-ex...yeah, that's not good at all. And boundaries should have been set by now, I totally agree. So set them. For YOU.

I know you're in love and its 'movie-like' love, but that kind of love happens in movies for a reason...it's not real. I know you feel you've worked too hard, invested so much into this relationship to leave it now, but a wise woman once told me, when I was having issues with my now ex.....don't get hung up on thinking what you've given up, time you've spent, love you've invested in a relationship that is not going where you need it to. It's not about the time or investment. It's about THE RELATIONSHIP...and if it is failing for whatever reason.....cut your losses and walk away.

That said, first, talk to him, Explain your concerns....DON'T IMPLY THE CHILDRENS NEEDS ARE SECONDARY by bringing them into the whole phone thing. If he does, and he will, explain you totally get he needs to address issues about the kids...then ask....if the minutia are so important, perhaps he needs to ask for more time with them...aka custody. Let him float that one down the stream of his soon-to-be-ex's river.

In the end, only you know what to do, but like gayle, I've been there, done that...and it usually ends messy.

Take care...(hugs)

this is great advice, thank you x