Relationship struggles, everyone hates him...

I am in a relationship that has gone on for a year and a half... I am experiencing a lot of emotional turmoil as a result of some things that have happened that I can either walk away and start fresh, or continue to dig in. Basically, I have given the man I am with another (last) chance because I believe in him- the problem is, the people around me dont respect our relationship and dont want me with him (including my parents). Now I have a couple supportive friends who will accept any decision I make, they just want me to be happy and know that in being a friend they want to be there to help me make the right decision. I am 30, he is 35- we both met during "rough" times in our life so we weren't healthy at the beginning to say the least. We went through some things, my friends and family saw me hurt, and I shared WAY too much personal stuff with them, we had broken up and of course I went on my rant to make myself feel better, and now we are back together. I am very happy when I am with him, I am trying to decide if I want to give him a second chance but it is so hard to focus while I'm almost caught up living a second life, so to speak. I don't want to tell my parents or friends he is here, I'm scared of their reactions and I don't know how I will ever get people to accept him or us if I decide this is what I want. He is willing to talk to my parents, but I'm not sure how to approach the situation and what would be best at this point. My turmoil comes also becuase I want to make the best decision, and I know if my friends and family voice concerns and don't like him, then there is a reason for that (which is not what I want to focus on here)... I also know that him and I have been through a lot that most people don't see or appreciate and we are doing great, almost better with some of the struggles we have gone through- but I feel like I can't explain or express that. I just want to come out with it, but I am so terrified of peoples reactions and that they will all turn their back on me (this is an on-going issue I have with people pleasing, and being VERY concerned with what others, especially my parents, think- and it is something I am working on in therapy.) The friends that do accept him and I just tell me that they are here for me, that I shoulnd't feel uncomfortable bringing him around, and whatever happens they will be there to support me. I'm terrified to have that talk with my parents that he is back in the picture, but I hate that when he is in town I cant bring him around them... I feel secluded from some parts of my life.

Well, you are an adult. Would your parents disown you, for this?

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No, of course not. They will love me no matter what. But, I want their approval, or to at least know with time it will come, I'm jut not sure how to push things or what to do. They visibly treat me differently (cold shoulder, ignoring, avoiding) when they know he is around. i.e., not calling me or telling me they want nothing to do with him and I, passive agressiveness like deleting me on FB because they don't want to see anything about him (very immature behavior for a mother, which I have discussed). I am VERY close to my mom (I have learned through this that I may have been a little too close), so it is hard for me to "lie" or upset/disapoint them. They won't disown me, but they will disapprove and when he is around they don't want to be included.

Hi sky3421.....that's a pretty big issue, I can tell you're very upset about it. But the fact is, IF you decide you want to stay with your bf, then your mom will just have to deal with it. If she wants to be childish, then so be it, BUT you don't have to be. If you bring your bf around her, just ignore it if she ignores you.

In other words, your bf is in your life, and there is no reason why you have to enable friends or family to treat you and him with anything other than respect. When your bf is in town, and you want to visit your mom, bring him with you. Treat the experiance as normal, and expected, whether she likes him or not. If you refuse to acknowledge childish behaviour, most of the time, it stops.

You'll have to be patient, of course, because it appears you are going to have to act like the adult in this situation. I've been where you are right now, on the other side...my ex-hubby's mother was a true monster-in-law to me because my ex didn't marry the woman she'd picked out for him. My ex just brought me around her, which was awkward at first but ended up making her behave. Took time...but was worth it.

Of course, then I divorced him, so she got to say 'I told you so' to him but for the years we were married the witch had to act right!!!

Good luck and don't let your mom run you.

Hello sky, It's Guy W. again. I can only say 1 thing. Go with your heart. You deserve to be happy. Others are allways gonna judge. It's what they do. I wish you all the best. Hang in there my friend.

I don't know what the issues is, what caused these feelings against your BF that you speak about. But I can relate. I have some skeletons in my closet as well, and if I told my parents some of the things that have happened to me because of my H they would not be very pleased that is for sure. Disown me they would not but make my life very unhappy just simply due to their disapproval it would be. So I do understand where you are coming from.

I don't have any advice for you. I don't have any great words of wisdom. Just know that you are not alone in this. There are others in similar situations. I hope yours improves soon. I do know how you feel. I am 40 and should not be worried about what my parents and relatives will think but I do. That can't be changed. I do worry about what they will think, simply put.

Do you by any chance have a T. It sounds like you may things that need to be worked on. The people pleasing and passive aggressiveness are things that are hard to overcome on your own. A therapist can help you become less of a people pleaser and have an improved since of self as well as help deal with your parents. Just a thought.

Perhaps its time to sit down with your mom and get it all out on the table. Tell her you & BF hit a rough patch that you, in an emotional state over-shared about, but have sorted it out, and you want to try again with him. That is the truth right?
Remember too, that sometimes people on the outside see things that we can't. Address the Red Flags and then be thankful that someone else has eyes on this with you. Let your mom know that you are being cautious and aware as you move back into this and that you need her not to judge right now. This person means a lot to you and is worth the effort you are giving it.

But do all that with as much love as you can muster. She only wants what is best for you.

Good Luck & Best Wishes