[rolan86]

Hi all, sorry I keep posting on this topic, but I just really needed to get this out. I had my last meeting with my on campus therapist, so now I have no one to talk to about this. I talked to my therapist about my crush on my art professor, which was refreshing to talk to someone about. We talked about boundaries and what it meant to have a healthy relationship with people who are "off-limits". While I struggle with this reality, it's something I accept. While I have a ton of bottled up feelings for her, I respect her position and that pursuing anything is just out of the question. But here's the thing. I don't think about her in a sexual or lustful way. Nor do I hope to gain any sort of romantic relationship with her. I just really admire her and her intelligence and love her personality. I would really like to stay in contact with her, if even just as acquaintances, if even just to let her know what I am doing after college. I started really trying hard to participate in class, and just today after I turned in my final exam to her she told me how much she enjoyed having me in her class and how valuable I was to class discussion, as well as congratulating me on graduating. After I left the class the thought of that being the last I'd ever see her just made me so depressed to the point where I couldn't focus on anything else. I seriously just wanted to cry. I know that seems ridiculous, but I denying how I felt. I am torn right now. I really want to send her an email saying how much I appreciated her class and that I hope we could stay in contact, but I feel a bit unsure about this. Is this weird? I mean I have great relationships with other professors. Plenty of my professors I plan to stay in contact with after college, and would have no problem asking them if they would want to get coffee. Heck, I have even gotten beer with one of my professors. So when my art professor emails me telling me grade in the class (which I am almost certain will be an A), was thinking maybe I could just tell her how much I enjoyed and appreciated her class and if she were ever in the area maybe we could get coffee and talk about school and whatever. Is that weird? Part of me is saying no. Don't do it. That's weird. The other part of me is saying it's not weird at all, and that tons of students stay in contact with professor's. I really think I will regret it in the long run if I don't try to stay in contact. What do you think? Sorry this is so long, just feeling a bit emotionally exhausted.

[rolan86]

keeping in mind I am graduating and will no longer be a student at this school.

[rolan86]

any suggestions anyone? I'm having trouble thinking about anything else

[Raindropvampire]

Sweetie if you are in contact with other professors what makes her different? Nothing. My MIL is 60 and STILL is friends with one of her college professors. He's like 84 but they get together once or twice a year for dinner. I think the fact that you admire her so much and have a bit of a crush has caused you to worry more about this than you should. Definitely send her an email.

[rolan86]

hmm what's MIL mean? ok thank you for the input, I really have been worrying about this a ton. She is such a nice lady and I just really enjoy hearing her. I am hoping I see her at graduation and can talk to her for a bit. But if not, I do want to send her an email casually saying if she is in the area if she would like to get coffee, and say that I am just trying to keep in contact with some professors (so she doesn't get weirded out thinking it's only her) I personally think there is nothing wrong with it, but I just keep feeling I am overstepping some sort of boundary...

[Raindropvampire]

mother-in-law .

And lots of people keep in contact with their professors. I think because of your crush that makes you see her differently. As long as you treat her as you would any other professor that you hang out with I don't see a boundary issue.

And I forgot earlier to tell you congratulations on your graduation

[rolan86]

thank you so much! Ok I'm gonna do it, I'm gonna ask her if she wants to get coffee. Or what would you suggest?

[Raindropvampire]

An invitation for coffee is great. You said she was your art professor so you could invite her to any art exhibits that you want to go to. Anything like that I think would be fine.

[Middlemarcher]

I'll give you my advice, as a youngish female instructor/adjunct and as someone who is no stranger to inappropriate crushes.

I stay in contact with some of my undergrads after the semester is over. Facebook friends with some (they friended me), get e-mails now and then. I've had coffee with a couple. I became good friends with one female student who was around my age. (The age gap is not to be underestimated here.) However, as someone who is partnered up and 0% interested in dating one of my former undergrad kids, if I get a hint that a student has a crush on me, I quietly drop contact. I do not want to encourage that.

Perhaps you'll be fine remaining in contact. But I suggest that if you find yourself continuing to ruminate about this woman and spending your mental energy on that, you drop contact. If you're stuck on her, that means you're not spending time and energy on appropriate, healthy, real possibilities for relationships in your life. In my experience, any time I have an inappropriate crush, I have to stop feeding it by getting the person out of my life. It's sad at first, but it stops the unhealthy cycle. This is a lesson that I wish I had learned a decade ago. It would have saved me a lot of anguish.

Wishing you the best. Congrats on graduating; I hope you're acknowledging your accomplishment! Be proud of yourself.

[StuckinRut]

I totally agree with middlemarcher on this point... I might be completely wrong here, but you mention your respect for this professor and how you hope that she will notice you and remember you in a positive light. There are strong parallels between the student teacher relationship and the parent child relationship. Consequently some of the emotions that we feel/felt for our parents can resurface and be directed forwards a teacher. I just wonder if that might be a factor here. If you feel that is a possibility perhaps you could chat with your T about it.

[rolan86]

Well, I agree there could be some parenting relations there, but I don't think it's like that. I'm not looking for another parent, just looking for a friend. And I totally agree that stopping contact if I am using up to much emotional energy on her is necessary. But yes I would love for her to remember me in a positive light. It's really cool hearing from a female college instructor though, and hearing that perspective. So I guess you don't think it would be weird if I am not hitting on her? Unless of course she directly comes onto me, I have no plan whatsoever of making a move. I just want to stay friends or contacts. I mean, just today, someone at the university career center who I got to know wants to stay in contact with me, so I really don't see it as that weird. I think I'll take a shot with this. Hopefully I'll see her at graduation tomorrow and can give her a hug, and hint at staying in contact. If not, then I'll send an email. Either way I want to give it a shot, but I will do my best to forget about it if she ignores and does not respond well. So usually know when a student has a crush on you? That's interesting to hear, what would make you think that?

[rolan86]

I appreciate the congratulations!

[Middlemarcher]

Originally Posted by rolan86

Well, I agree there could be some parenting relations there, but I don't think it's like that. I'm not looking for another parent, just looking for a friend. And I totally agree that stopping contact if I am using up to much emotional energy on her is necessary. But yes I would love for her to remember me in a positive light. It's really cool hearing from a female college instructor though, and hearing that perspective. So I guess you don't think it would be weird if I am not hitting on her? Unless of course she directly comes onto me, I have no plan whatsoever of making a move. I just want to stay friends or contacts. I mean, just today, someone at the university career center who I got to know wants to stay in contact with me, so I really don't see it as that weird. I think I'll take a shot with this. Hopefully I'll see her at graduation tomorrow and can give her a hug, and hint at staying in contact. If not, then I'll send an email. Either way I want to give it a shot, but I will do my best to forget about it if she ignores and does not respond well. So usually know when a student has a crush on you? That's interesting to hear, what would make you think that?

No, it's not weird if you're not hitting on her. Students and professors do fairly frequently stay in contact, particularly if the age gap isn't huge. Btw, I would carefully read her body language before attempting a hug. Some profs will be fine with that, and some won't.

I have had a few students who seemed to have an interest in me. This is just one of those things that you sort of just know from interactions and body language. A lot of eagerness, a lot of compliments, a lot of e-mails. The stronger you come across, the more likely she's going to be able to sniff something out, for what it's worth.

[Travelinglady]

As a former college prof, I can say that I always appreciated the compliments from students after a course was over.

I never felt comfortable encouraging close contact or hugging. Nope. I even had students make passes at me, and that was very awkward.

Please continue to talk to your therapist about this issue. Are you sure you aren't hoping for a more intimate relationship down the road--and as someone said, are wanting to hang around just in case?

I honestly think it would be best to thank her and tell her how much you enjoyed her class and move on. Then maybe......just maybe......down the road you can get back in touch.

Years after I had a professor I really admired, I wrote her out of the blue, telling her how much I had enjoyed her class, etc. She wrote back later and told me I had made her century. We became great friends and even visited each other, spending the night, since we lived far away.

All that said, we were both married, female, and had no physical interest in each other ---only great female friends. I really still miss her. She died of cancer a few years ago. We just somehow really felt a kinship with each other that I have not been able to duplicate.

And I did become friends with an older lady student, who was determined that I was going to be a friend. We kept in touch through calls and letters. She was very special to me, and I still really miss her. She died of cancer, too. (Hmmmm.)

The male-female issue I see as the main problem. I don't know about you folks, but I do think friendship in that case is more clouded, unless one member is not attracted to the other at all.

[rolan86]

Did you mean that as in yes it is weird to hit on her? Sorry double negatives confuse me.

Originally Posted by Middlemarcher

No, it's not weird if you're not hitting on her. Students and professors do fairly frequently stay in contact, particularly if the age gap isn't huge. Btw, I would carefully read her body language before attempting a hug. Some profs will be fine with that, and some won't.

I have had a few students who seemed to have an interest in me. This is just one of those things that you sort of just know from interactions and body language. A lot of eagerness, a lot of compliments, a lot of e-mails. The stronger you come across, the more likely she's going to be able to sniff something out, for what it's worth.

[rolan86]

I really wish I could talk to my therapist about this, but can't anymore as I don't have access to university health anymore since I graduated. We just talked about boundaries and inappropriate feelings. I was also caught up on a past therapist I had who I really wanted to continue seeing, and was just about traumatized when she told me we could not keep in contact. I was told that with therapists you simply cannot keep in contact, which was really painful because she was all I could think about. But now since there is nothing saying you can't keep in contact with a professor, it feels a bit better. Unfortunately I didn't run into her at graduation, but I will get an email from her with my grade in the class. If she replies with just a "You received an A in the class." I'll say thank you, drop everything and just forget her. But if she responds with a nice message saying good job or it was nice having you in class, I'll say a bit more, and ask if she could give me feedback (in class she told us we could ask for it). If she responds in a warm way, I'll say thank you very much, etc etc if you are ever in (my area) I'd love to get coffee, just trying to stay in touch with some of my professors. Have a great summer and fall semester. Keep in mind I will only email once grades are officially done.
If she responds well, then awesome (In many ways I don't even expect to ever meet up with her, just her saying in email "keep in touch" would be awesome enough for me)

If she ignores the subject or directly turns me down, then I drop it and move on.

Sound ok? Just want to make sure I am not doing something catastrophically inappropriate here!

Originally Posted by Travelinglady

As a former college prof, I can say that I always appreciated the compliments from students after a course was over.

I never felt comfortable encouraging close contact or hugging. Nope. I even had students make passes at me, and that was very awkward.

Please continue to talk to your therapist about this issue. Are you sure you aren't hoping for a more intimate relationship down the road--and as someone said, are wanting to hang around just in case?

I honestly think it would be best to thank her and tell her how much you enjoyed her class and move on. Then maybe......just maybe......down the road you can get back in touch.

Years after I had a professor I really admired, I wrote her out of the blue, telling her how much I had enjoyed her class, etc. She wrote back later and told me I had made her century. We became great friends and even visited each other, spending the night, since we lived far away.

All that said, we were both married, female, and had no physical interest in each other ---only great female friends. I really still miss her. She died of cancer a few years ago. We just somehow really felt a kinship with each other that I have not been able to duplicate.

And I did become friends with an older lady student, who was determined that I was going to be a friend. We kept in touch through calls and letters. She was very special to me, and I still really miss her. She died of cancer, too. (Hmmmm.)

The male-female issue I see as the main problem. I don't know about you folks, but I do think friendship in that case is more clouded, unless one member is not attracted to the other at all.

[rolan86]

I think I'm just gonna stick to this...

[rolan86]

I just got an email from her telling me I got an A in the course and excellent performance and best of luck in future studies and all. Was hoping for more... I have nothing to reply now Unless I ask her for feedback? Sigh... maybe I should just call it quits and not even reply...