Hey. My boyfriend has lied to me twice in a year and half. I caught him both times. The first time was texting a girl (nothing sexual). Second it was about money. It's not that I snooped on him, he actually led me to the lies. Anyway, today he told me that I use him for money. This man has talked about marrying me. About having kids with me and spending the rest of his life with me. But then he basically called me a gold digger and he doesn't even have the much money. I don't have a job right now so he helps me and I try to help him in any other way I can. I take care of him, clean for him, cook for him and give back rubs. I try to show him how much I appreciate what he does. But then he says that to me. I just don't know what to do. I don't like lies and I don't like being hurt. He wants to try to make it work and apologized but I don't know if I can do this anymore. I love him more than I've ever loved anyone. Please any suggestions? He doesn't understand my bipolar either. And says it's not real so that makes things harder on me to. I'm trying to get him to understand but it's not working...

[waiting4]

Originally Posted by zpe263

Hey. My boyfriend has lied to me twice in a year and half. I caught him both times. The first time was texting a girl (nothing sexual). Second it was about money. It's not that I snooped on him, he actually led me to the lies. Anyway, today he told me that I use him for money. This man has talked about marrying me. About having kids with me and spending the rest of his life with me. But then he basically called me a gold digger and he doesn't even have the much money. I don't have a job right now so he helps me and I try to help him in any other way I can. I take care of him, clean for him, cook for him and give back rubs. I try to show him how much I appreciate what he does. But then he says that to me. I just don't know what to do. I don't like lies and I don't like being hurt. He wants to try to make it work and apologized but I don't know if I can do this anymore. I love him more than I've ever loved anyone. Please any suggestions? He doesn't understand my bipolar either. And says it's not real so that makes things harder on me to. I'm trying to get him to understand but it's not working...

It seems you're far too dependent on your bf, which gives him the opportunity to say hurtful things when he's angry. Kinda passive aggressive, but it's efficient as it has upset you to the point you're reconsidering marriage.

My suggestion is, if it's possible, to find employment of some kind. Even part time, so that you have a bit of independence from him...that will give him less leverage to use his monetary support of you as a weapon. BTW, it's an easy weapon to wield when one partner isn't working.

Of course, counselling would be advisable, but I think you two could sit down and have a conversation about expectations in the relationship NOW and in the future---this is because, if he is paying the bills, maybe he doesn't understand that your cooking, cleaning and backrubs are your way of participating in the relationship. If there is more you can do (in his opinion) then he needs to voice it...and not with slams about his support of you.

Of course, if he refuses to verbalize then counseling, even if only for you, is advisable, as well as (if you're living with him) possibly finding other digs. When one partner holds money over another partners head, it IS a form of bullying...and if he doesn't see it, refuses to see it...you may be in for more trouble down the road than just being called a 'gold digger'.

Take care

Hey Waiting4,
Thank you for you insight on my relationship. The suggestions you've made I've actually tried. Tried to get him to understand that I am looking for a job and I'm trying to show him how much I appreciate him. I love him, don't get me wrong but bake of how bad my depression has gotten I'm worried I'm going to leave him and once I'm slightly in a better frame of mind I will regret it. My medications don't work and he doesn't believe in any psychological issues anyway. He thinks you just do things and get over it. I think that means you end up holding it in.
Again, thank you.

Originally Posted by zpe263

Hey. My boyfriend has lied to me twice in a year and half. I caught him both times. The first time was texting a girl (nothing sexual). Second it was about money. It's not that I snooped on him, he actually led me to the lies. Anyway, today he told me that I use him for money. This man has talked about marrying me. About having kids with me and spending the rest of his life with me. But then he basically called me a gold digger and he doesn't even have the much money. I don't have a job right now so he helps me and I try to help him in any other way I can. I take care of him, clean for him, cook for him and give back rubs. I try to show him how much I appreciate what he does. But then he says that to me. I just don't know what to do. I don't like lies and I don't like being hurt. He wants to try to make it work and apologized but I don't know if I can do this anymore. I love him more than I've ever loved anyone. Please any suggestions? He doesn't understand my bipolar either. And says it's not real so that makes things harder on me to. I'm trying to get him to understand but it's not working...

You have pointed out his flaws and said all the reasons why you should not want to be with this guy. You've made it very clear in my mind that he's not good for you but then I am confused when you added "I love him more than I've ever loved" Are you sure?

You have stated nothing to his credit as to wht redeeming qualities he has but very easily pointed out how horrible he is. Not sure what the attraction is at all tbh.

don't get me wrong, your criticisms are very justified and I can see why you would need to say something about these things. I am not pointing any fingers at you just saying you need to ask yourself what it is that is so alluring about him that makes you say you love him?