[Secretum]

I posted a few days ago about my friend, to whom I am attracted, and whether or not I should kiss him. The opinions were mixed, with some people saying that I definitely should boldly kiss him and others saying they would feel uncomfortable if a friend kissed them, and that it could jeopardize the friendship.

I realized that I don't have the courage to kiss him. I just simply can't do it; I'm too scared.

So now I think I'm going to write him a letter expressing my feelings. I think this is a good idea because it will give him time to reflect on what I've said, and he won't feel pressured into responding one way or another. It would also be drawing on my strengths as a writer.

But my boss thinks it's a bad idea; he told me that writing a letter would be moving too fast.

This friend touches me often (hugs, arm around shoulder, legs rub against mine), always seems interested and engaged in what I'm saying, when he finds a restaurant he wants to try asks if I'd like to go there, and laughs at all my jokes. At the same time, he rarely calls or texts me first, he often has to reschedule our dates, he calls me "buddy" which makes me think I'm in the friend zone (though he hasn't done that in a few weeks).
He is relatively shy. He has more experience with dating than I do. He told me several months ago that he doesn't want to date anyone because he doesn't think he can commit to one person. The one time I brought up the possibility of us dating, he told me he was "not nice enough" for me. That was in January, and around the time that another girl was chasing after him (he didn't want to be with her either).

What do you all think? Should I write the letter? I feel pretty confident that we will still be friends even if he doesn't feel the same way, as he is still close with the female friend who was chasing after him in January. But at the same time, I don't want to embarrass myself if he doesn't like me romantically.

[soccerdad]

Love letters are generally reserved for when you are already in a relationship. If you are using it as a way to start a relationship then I would be careful about the wording because you could easily word something wrong or he could take something the wrong way and being a letter there would be no chance to explain.

If you can't summon the courage to kiss him then just suggest another dinner together but ask him if instead of as friends it could be a date. From what you say he seems to be attracted to you but maybe he is in the same situation that you are in that he is afraid to make a move and ruin the friendship. Its better to know then to miss an opportunity.

[waiting4]

That's one way to look at it, soccerdad, and a good way true....but...k this may be way off base, but I do remember the OP...and it reminded me of myself and a guy I had a hella crush on in highschool. He was cute, funny, did the whole huggy, touchy thing...we went out, by ourselves and with friends...he didn't call me buddy but the term of endearment was very close to that...and generally seemed to be interested in me (and a couple other girls) but shy. Very shy.

I screwed up my courage (which wasn't easy at all, at that time) and on one of our hang outs...I asked him if he would ever consider dating me. He looked at me astonished...smiled his embarrassment and said, "I thought you knew...I'm gay."

I was gobsmacked. I tried to laugh it off, as did he, but things weren't quite the same after...had we been adults maybe we could have come back from that...but as teens...it was really difficult. We stayed friends of course, but I always felt a little foolish, because I had created this whole persona that wasn't really him, from his wonderful personality, and sweet demeanor.

I guess, I'm just saying, be careful....and make sure he would be interested in a relationship with a woman. Evidently, it isn't always obvious.

[Secretum]

Waiting, I have wondered sometimes if he is gay, especially since the girl that wanted him in January was very attractive. I can understand why he wouldn't want me, but I can't understand why, from a physical standpoint, he wouldn't want her, lol.

He has never told me that he is gay, and he seems pretty straight. He is very masculine, comments on how attractive certain female celebrities are, and makes comments about how much he enjoys looking at Victoria's Secret models. It is, of course, entirely possible that he is trying hard to "act straight" so that nobody suspects. I think if he were gay that he could feel like he could come to me to talk about it; I am very liberal politically, and am bisexual myself. But I can't be sure that he would...

[ChipperMonkey]

Honestly, I think that he has told you how he feels but you do not want to listen. If a guy is into you and wants to be with you, he will chase you. He will not do this wishy-washy stuff. Yes, he is giving certain signs that he likes you, but he is also giving signs that he isn't all that into you. Breaking dates? I just had a guy cancel/reschedule on me three days in a row, with the third time being a full out cancellation. I told him ok, I will back off, I understand. He blows up at me for being "negative" and says this is the last time he will put up with such negativity. I say good riddance....ok, not really, I wished him well and said goodbye. Honestly, if he wanted to be with me, he wouldn't be a serial date canceller with no explanation and then blame the whole thing on me. But back to you.... Even shy guys, in my experience, find a way to show the girl that he likes her. (Yeah, I always, and I do mean ALWAYS get the shy guys, LOL) If he's blowing you off and telling you he doesn't want to be with one person right now or date, then I think you should listen to him. (Not being rude, but I think you want to ignore this perhaps?)

[waiting4]

Originally Posted by Secretum

Waiting, I have wondered sometimes if he is gay, especially since the girl that wanted him in January was very attractive. I can understand why he wouldn't want me, but I can't understand why, from a physical standpoint, he wouldn't want her, lol.

He has never told me that he is gay, and he seems pretty straight. He is very masculine, comments on how attractive certain female celebrities are, and makes comments about how much he enjoys looking at Victoria's Secret models. It is, of course, entirely possible that he is trying hard to "act straight" so that nobody suspects. I think if he were gay that he could feel like he could come to me to talk about it; I am very liberal politically, and am bisexual myself. But I can't be sure that he would...

Yes, and I agree..to a point. But you have to understand, there were SEVERAL guys in my school who were gay...some very flamboyantly so which says a lot for the times I was living in. My friends and I all knew them...it was fine. No issues. The fact is, I SHOULD have realized...and btw, he too could name all sorts of actresses and singers that he thought were beautiful/talented etc....my point, and I do have one--LOL-- is I could see it in all the other guys, but in him, because I had a crush on him...it totally went over my head. Which is why it flummoxed him I didn't know...and embarrassed me because I should have.

That said, he may be totally straight or bi...who knows unless you actually ask him...but in any case, I tend to agree with the last poster before me. It sounds like he's just not that into you. His reasons are his. If he shares them, swell....if he doesn't...well.....just keep care of your heart. I'd hate for you to get hurt over a lovely fantasy that only you understand, and he hasn't a clue.

p.s. Gay men come in all shapes, sizes and colors. And sometimes even gay men don't see it. Sometimes. hehe

[Maria116]

Originally Posted by ChipperMonkey

I just had a guy cancel/reschedule on me three days in a row, with the third time being a full out cancellation. I told him ok, I will back off, I understand. He blows up at me for being "negative" and says this is the last time he will put up with such negativity.

Wow, what a weirdo. He won't put with a normal reaction to his flakiness, but YOU have to put up with the flakiness. Good riddance indeed.

[hinzc7711]

Agree with the statement that a letter is for a relationship. Having a bond is different than a romantic relationship it sounds like you have a great working relationship and it agrees with both of you. Don't push love, let it come naturally and it last when you don't chase it away.

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[Confusedinomicon]

Maybe ask him about his views on relationships and the idea of polyamory. He may not want relationship with you if you are expecting a monogamous relationship. If you cannot deal with the thought of him being emotionally and physically close to another I would not pursue this. It may help to understand what he wants versus what you want and see if there is still compatibility.

My good friend practices polyamory and has several partners. All of their partners know of one another and practice it themselves. It takes an immense amount of trust to partake in these types of relationships. They have also been in some of their relationships for several years so commitment is realistic.