[STASlS]

Hello again,
I had a topic on this board before called "unnecessary panic"... Well, it seems like I've panicked again. And I screwed up really badly.
My boyfriend... Sort of has a dark past. And he's working on fixing himself, very hard. I'm immensely proud of him for what he's doing. Anyway, I sometimes have a tendency to panic about things which causes me to have doubts in the back of my mind.
This one was about something that happened back around October-November. I don't want to go into detail about what happened, it was before we were together, but it made me slightly jealous. Since we got together, I've been confident in us, but tonight the back of my head had a doubt, I asked him if we could talk about it, I told him what my issue was and how I was afraid of it. And now he is mad at me.
I don't know why I do these kinds of things, when I am happy with him, and I really love him a lot and I don't want to lose him. I cannot afford counseling/therapy and I am trying to think of ways to talk to him about this, or stop thinking about this.
I will go into a little detail of my past. I came from an abusive relationship that I was in for around 7 years. I used to self harm, the last time I did anything to myself was nearly a year ago and I instantly regretted it. Since I ended my previous relationship, I've found ways to mostly calm myself and relax myself. ; This guy and I have been friends for a while, and I really, really didn't want to screw anything up. I feel horrible about it. I'm sorry for the long post.

[ChipperMonkey]

Have you ever done CBT? I think that CBT skills could help you battle the irrational or unreasonable thoughts, and when you get a hold of the thoughts, you'll be less likely to panic.

[STASlS]

I have never even heard of CBT, but I will look it up. Thank you. I really hope this works, or at least helps in some way.

[Bill3]

I asked him if we could talk about it, I told him what my issue was and how I was afraid of it. And now he is mad at me.

I appreciate that you are keeping the details here private, but based on what you have shared here I am wondering how your asking to speak with your bf about something that concerns you and gives you fear constitutes you screwing up, and warrants him getting mad at you.

[waiting4]

Originally Posted by Bill3

I appreciate that you are keeping the details here private, but based on what you have shared here I am wondering how your asking to speak with your bf about something that concerns you and gives you fear constitutes you screwing up, and warrants him getting mad at you.

I agree with bill. It just seems odd, that because he evidently didn't want to address your concern (rational or not, and face it, nobody is totally rational ALL of the time) suddenly makes it ok for him to be mad at you.

As bill said, not knowing the whyfors, it's difficult to give a lot of advice except on how to calm you..but in this case, I think it's not just a 'you' issue, darlin.....he needs to come to terms with your concerns (just as I'm sure he would expect you to come to terms with his) and not make you feel you screwed up because you tried to be honest and let him into your thoughts, with an eye to relieving them.

Just sayin.

[jd82]

A good question to ask yourself, are you able to have any type of "heart to heart" or serious discussion with him without him getting angry/upset? If yes, then there's something about this particular situation that seems to be bothering him and is causing him to be angry. Can you ask him why? or try to understand his point of view. Like waiting4 said, rational or not if you are feeling a certain way you are entitled to those feelings and should be able to share with him to come to a resolution together.

If you aren't able to have any sort of real discussions with him, you might want to evaluate what you want/expect out of the relationship.

Good luck!

Originally Posted by STASlS

Hello again,
I had a topic on this board before called "unnecessary panic"... Well, it seems like I've panicked again. And I screwed up really badly.
My boyfriend... Sort of has a dark past. And he's working on fixing himself, very hard. I'm immensely proud of him for what he's doing. Anyway, I sometimes have a tendency to panic about things which causes me to have doubts in the back of my mind.
This one was about something that happened back around October-November. I don't want to go into detail about what happened, it was before we were together, but it made me slightly jealous. Since we got together, I've been confident in us, but tonight the back of my head had a doubt, I asked him if we could talk about it, I told him what my issue was and how I was afraid of it. And now he is mad at me.
I don't know why I do these kinds of things, when I am happy with him, and I really love him a lot and I don't want to lose him. I cannot afford counseling/therapy and I am trying to think of ways to talk to him about this, or stop thinking about this.
I will go into a little detail of my past. I came from an abusive relationship that I was in for around 7 years. I used to self harm, the last time I did anything to myself was nearly a year ago and I instantly regretted it. Since I ended my previous relationship, I've found ways to mostly calm myself and relax myself. ; This guy and I have been friends for a while, and I really, really didn't want to screw anything up. I feel horrible about it. I'm sorry for the long post.

first off I can only speak to this as having only limited information on what the issue is.

I am going to venture to guess that your doubts have something to do with jealousy or not trusting him to be faithful to you?

Well first let me say you did not screw up in voicing your concerns, in a good relationship one should feel confident enough to be able to speak honestly with their partner or there is not much of a foundation for a relationship. You were not wrong in doing this. His reaction could have been more understanding and accepting and that is all on his shoulders, not YOURS you are not to live in a way where some subjects are "taboo" when it comes to your thoughts, insecurities and feelings. Period. That is not the right way to live.

Now on his part, if the above (jealousy) is unfounded and you voiced this to him... if that is where the source of this issue comes from, understand that he may be kind of feeling indignant because if he is being faithful that's a hard thing to deal with. Granted, how he handled it may still be wrong but the feeling on his part is understandable. Try to approach it differently.. I don't know how you did say anything so I can't say how to change it but possibly it just struck a nerve with him.

There are two people involved here. None of the situation should be entirely on any one person's shoulders. Both of you are responsible for your own actions. Even if you did something that was triggering or emotionally charging for him, he is responsible for how he reacted to it.

If he is making you feel guilty for expressing your real feelings, he is wrong, but again this is assuming a lot becuase you haven't pointed out a lot of specifics here.