[bumble2u]

Hi, I don't usually write here but I feel like I could do with some advice.
I should probably add that I am bipolar 1 with BPD and an alcoholic.
I feel so guilty about my feelings with this that I can't talk in RL.

My parents are staying with me over the next weeks. I don't see them often (once a year) as we live on different continents. I've just come through some stressful work situations and feel totally zapped. I am really trying to be happy that they are spending time with me and my family but in reality all kinds of horrible thoughts are creeping around in my head.

I was washing up a knife and my father was standing behind me I started to get a very uncomfortable feeling of revulsion. The closer he got the more I thought I was going to stab him. It was an awful feeling (yet relieving) and I was really upset by my thoughts; at the same time I really wanted to do it. I am so ashamed, my parents are decent people all they want to do is spend time with their daughter and grand-children.

Thing is I have always been repulsed by my dad, I know some of it might be down to disciplining. I have also never been one to feel comfortable in giving either of my parents hugs. My mother always joked that my brother was much more affectionate than me. I am just wondering if there are any techniques out there for getting over yourself and becoming more approachable. I don't feel that my parents deserve my prickliness but I am finding their visit beyond triggering. So I am struggling to keep all the voices the hallucinated faces away. I have etched a smile onto my face.

I guess it is a little difficult because I work from home so they think I don't really have to work and can spend all day having endless conversations and cook three meals a day from scratch. I've been drinking a fair bit in secret so I can wash down any feeling that I have. Mostly I am just so ashamed of myself that I cannot seem to be a better daughter.

Has anyone here experienced something similar. I would really like to know how you got over it. Thanks B

[kaliope]

well first off, I learned in my abnormal psych class, the knife thought is a perfectly normal thought. he gave that exact example as an example.

as for the rest of it, make your boundaries clear. you work from home so you need to put time aside to do that.

and then try to remember that they aren't bad people. you may not be affectionate with them, but try to bring up any positive feelings you have toward them when you are around them, remembering fondly the good things they have done for you and hold on to these positive thoughts and it will be easier to be around them.

[bumble2u]

Originally Posted by kaliope

well first off, I learned in my abnormal psych class, the knife thought is a perfectly normal thought. he gave that exact example as an example.

as for the rest of it, make your boundaries clear. you work from home so you need to put time aside to do that.

and then try to remember that they aren't bad people. you may not be affectionate with them, but try to bring up any positive feelings you have toward them when you are around them, remembering fondly the good things they have done for you and hold on to these positive thoughts and it will be easier to be around them.

Yes the boundary thing though stated is not being respected at all. So I will gently try again. I am trying with the positive stuff. I keep reminding myself how lucky I am to have them. Thank you for your insight I'm glad the knife is supposedly normal. My thoughts seem to be getting more violent but i know i would act them out on me not anyone else. thanks.