[SMOOVEBLANCOO]

hey everyone, im new to this so please bare with me...

before i get into whats on my mind i figure i should give a brief background as to how things led up to the way they are now..

i always knew i was different somehow, i remember being very very sad for no reason at a very young age. i never fit in very well with kids my age either, i was liked by many many people, i guess you could say "popular" but i hate labels lol. well everything spiraled out of control when my parents got divorced, i was 12 years old, and i was very very close to my father, he was my hero. my mother and i never really had a relationship, and honestly i look back and i cant remember any memories with my mom involved which is a little weird considering my dad wouldn't come home for DAYS because he worked so hard to support us and my mom was a stay at home mom(nothing wrong with that). well when my parents got divorced everything pretty much changed, but i changed horribly. I was a rebellious kid, i found trouble everywhere. i ended up in hospitals and all of that, ive done really bad things to my parents. i feel very guilty now. i was angry, upset, i felt betrayed by my dad after he left after the divorce. i mean he literally packed his bags and just left and i didnt see him for 3-4 months. when i finally saw him he was already dating another woman, which is now my stepmom. shes ok but shes very much in her own little bubble. its annoying at times but ive managed to accept her and move on. well ive been living with my mom primarily since then. im 19 now, and my relationship has gotten worse with her. my mom and i would have horrible physical fights, at 14 years old i started living with a friend of mine, her mom was incredible and even considered me her daughter which was great, because i finally felt like i had a home. highschool came around and i ended up going back to my moms house. We were at eachothers throats every day, it was just a bad relationship. i finally got my act together around 17 years old when i was a senior in highschool, i had to transfer highschools due to some stupid reasons but i did great my last year and passed all of my classes. im in my 3rd year of college. i worked for 1 year at a great employer but i wasnt getting treated fairly due to the fact that im lesbian and not many people agree, which is fine because i realized that i cant make everyone think a certain way, and everyone doesnt have to like everyone, right? well anyways, my mom has made it very clear that no matter what i do, i cant ever make up for the damage ive done. i mean ive apologized to my parents so many times, because i am truly sorry for the suffering i put them through. i was young and highly immature and irresponsible, but i tried to tell them that i had NO boundaries. my mom would let me be out late at night, i could be anywhere i wanted and it wouldnt matter. i told them i take full responsibility for everything i have done to them, because i am truly sorry, but i cannot keep living my life like as if i have to keep feeling sorry for everything ive done. i have already proved that i can handle myself. ive paid them all the money back i stole, i got a job (ive been working since i was 13) and i try to stay out of their hair as much as i can. I just feel like no matter what i do its never good enough. its stressful!!! my mom told me yesterday im 20 years old and i have nothing to show for myself. she said that when her friends talk about their kids and about how theyre going to different states and countries for careers, that she cant talk about me because she has nothing good to say about me. i think that hurt, it hurt alot actually, because i really tried to show my parents ive grown up alot and i thought i proved to them some sort of credibility. my mom is very hypocritical, and its very hard to sit down and talk to her about anything without her getting defensive and turning things around to make me feel like **** all over again. ive given up on my family, i mean really given up, to the point where once i move out ( very very soon) i want absolutely no contact with any of them, my brothers or sisters as well. the only person who truly understands me is my girlfriend, we've been together for 3 years, shes really amazing. we have our problems like every other couple but atleast when we cool off we can sit and talk about them and try to see how we can fix them and prevent other situations like that from happening again.. my family is just always making me feel like im worthless, and its gotten to the point where i have social anxiety like crazy. when i talk to people i dont know and i say something i think i maybe shouldnt have, i can hear my mom in my head calling me stupid. is that weird? lol i think its probably not normal but whats normal anyways?

well anyways the point where im trying to get at is... should i be trying the rest of my life to prove to them that im not the crazy child they think i am? do i have to always feel sorry and dwell on my mistakes to make them feel better? i just want to know if im wrong about things, i have no problem owning up to any of my problems, because i usually know when im wrong or out of line, and even if i dont know i want someone to show me and explain my mistakes to me so i can understand where i went wrong.

[bluekoi]

Hello SMOOVEBLANCOO and welcome to PsychCentral.

Wow - Your 3rd year in college! Your parents should be proud! There is no point dwelling on the past. If you've apologized for your errors, what you've done is correct. We all make mistakes as we are going up. It's part of how we learn to be an adult.

Browse through our forums and post when you feel comfortable.

Here's a few links you may find helpful -

Relationships & Communication - Forums at Psych Central

Bipolar - Forums at Psych Central

After your first 5 posts (It may take a little while for them to appear.), feel free to check out our Chat Forums and Social Groups.

PC Forums is great place to learn, share and make new friends!

[Trippin2.0]

There's no point in making yourself miserable by dwelling on the wrong you've done in the past.

All it does is make you relive a time you're not proud of. Which can NOT be pleasant for you.

You've said your sorries, made amends and proved you've turned over a new leaf.

Time for you to embrace and enjoy that leaf, with or without them.

Its not fair nor is it healthy to live in the past, growing and maturing is part of moving forward. Sometimes we have to leave family behind because they're more interested in stunting our growth than celebrating it... Sad but true.

Like I said, enjoy and embrace your new leaf

[dubblemonkey]

Originally Posted by Trippin2.0

There's no point in making yourself miserable by dwelling on the wrong you've done in the past.

All it does is make you relive a time you're not proud of. Which can NOT be pleasant for you.

You've said your sorries, made amends and proved you've turned over a new leaf.

Time for you to embrace and enjoy that leaf, with or without them.

Its not fair nor is it healthy to live in the past, growing and maturing is part of moving forward. Sometimes we have to leave family behind because they're more interested in stunting our growth than celebrating it... Sad but true.

Like I said, enjoy and embrace your new leaf

...

I love you...things get fall apart..

it is not people that they go stupid!

people ?

not good enough

[Werewoman]

Speaking as the mother of a 29 yr. old daughter and a 21 yr. old son, my first reaction to your post is wtf is the matter with your parents?

What, you're a whole whopping 20 years old and you haven't made it to another country yet? I mean seriously, WTF?

You've been working since you were 13, you've done all you can to 'make up' for your mistakes, as if a child is required to make up for everything they ever did to piss off their parents. I might puke if I keep thinking about your mother.

Look, kiddo, you are doing just fine, you don't owe your parents or anyone else a GD thing.

Take your girlfriend and go live your life as you see fit. You don't need anyone's approval.

There's nothing wrong with you that I can see. I'd be proud to call you my daughter.

My mom's an idiot too, if that helps any.

[Trippin2.0]

Originally Posted by Werewoman

Speaking as the mother of a 29 yr. old daughter and a 21 yr. old son, my first reaction to your post is wtf is the matter with your parents?

What, you're a whole whopping 20 years old and you haven't made it to another country yet? I mean seriously, WTF?

You've been working since you were 13, you've done all you can to 'make up' for your mistakes, as if a child is required to make up for everything they ever did to piss off their parents. I might puke if I keep thinking about your mother.

Look, kiddo, you are doing just fine, you don't owe your parents or anyone else a GD thing.

Take your girlfriend and go live your life as you see fit. You don't need anyone's approval.

There's nothing wrong with you that I can see. I'd be proud to call you my daughter.

My mom's an idiot too, if that helps any.

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by SMOOVEBLANCOO

hey

im in my 3rd year of college.

my mom has made it very clear that no matter what i do, i cant ever make up for the damage ive done.

stressful!!!

my mom told me yesterday im 20 years old and i have nothing to show for myself. she said that when her friends talk about their kids and about how theyre going to different states and countries for careers, that she cant talk about me because she has nothing good to say about me. i think that hurt, it hurt alot

Anyways the point where im trying to get at is... should i be trying the rest of my life to prove to them that im not the crazy child they think i am? do i have to always feel sorry and dwell on my mistakes to make them feel better? .

You are in your third year of college.

If times are tough, while our children are young, it's not their fault. I,as a mom, to minors, can picture myself telling them, that some days they gave me a run for my money, but to blame because life hands a bucket of lemons?oh....i think not!!!

It will take time, to fight off those internal tapes of feeling you must prove yourself, it won't be easy, but it can happen.

I'm going to ditto, above...

Wtf??

Sorry she's clueless that she has a daughter who owns her truth. Her loss.


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