[tiodlliwi]

Hi! Some of you have responded to posts about working on my past (had and affair) and have been very helpful and kind. During that time period (over 2 years ago) I had a group of friends that were wild and crazy and a large part of our lives consisted of partying which led to myself and others to hurt their loved ones (other affairs took place). My fiance and I moved away shortly after (not because of), got married, and are in a totally different place now- physically and mentally. I have not really seen or talked to anyone from that group for over a year except for one girl who I was close to for years before everything went bad. It is hard because my husband is uncomfortable with me staying in contact with her as am I. It just brings back painful memories despite all of the good times throughout the years.

She emailed me last night and told me she'd be in town for the weekend and asked if we could get together. I said no and explained that it is just really difficult for me (and my husband) for me to get close with her again and that I'm not sure if I ever will be able to. Well, she says that she understands but is really hurt by words and feels as though I'm blaming her for what happened. I don't blame her or anyone else but at the same time, I feel that had I not been in that situation, surrounded by so much chaos and damaging behavior, I would not have engaged in it myself. And I fully think my husband believes that as well and that is why he would also prefer if we just move on and that I not stay connected to that past. I don't feel like I need that particular friendship in my life, although I'm sure she's changed for the better as well. I just feel bad and guilty (here's the guilt again!) about dropping a friendship because I can't deal.

Any thoughts??????

Sometimes parting is such sweet sorrow. Endings are difficult most times. Sometimes we just have to feel the pain and move on.

[Perna]

It doesn't sound like there's much to the friendship except that past environment so doesn't really matter if she has "changed" for the better, there's still nothing in common anymore?

Sometimes it's necessary to take care of ourselves. I've dropped courses in school because I couldn't "deal" right then, it's a temporary thing and you may or may not go back (I totally changed what courses I was interested in and never did take the two I dropped but certainly went back to school); write her a kind email and tell her you'll get in touch with her in the future if things get/feel better for you and telling her you really did enjoy her friendship at that time but don't feel you have anything in common and you are elsewhere in your life? Keep the tone pleasant and make it all "your" fault/your "I" statements so she can see it's about who/where you are and not her.

Friendships are not marriage -- they're built for similar hobbies/interests or specific periods of time and you've moved. I have a friend I love dearly (and who loves me) that I met with a group back in the 1980's but we both moved and though we're less than 2 hours away by car we haven't seen one another in 5-10 years and only correspond once or twice a year, usually around Christmas. Things change! It's no ones "fault."

[Raynaadi]

Boy how I can relate. I left an old crowd a few years ago to get on with my life. There's one girl I keep in touch with because she's got a level head, but we don't have very often. I agree with an earlier comment that friendships are not marraiges. You've made a life-long commitment to your husband, not this girl. Sure she may be hurting right now, but I'm sure it'll pass. Sometimes we have to be selfish to take care of ourselves. Just this weekend I saw something in a friend of mine that doesn't sit well. For my sanity, I'm pulling away. Let go with love, but don't abandon with disgust. It's OK to take care of you!!