Am I whacked or not?

I dont know how to make this as short as it needs to be so il shoot for it. I have a social problem and I cant figure out why, I have ALOT of friends I met over time from a local street racing spot, this car of mine I see as a must to stay happy because I have no relashonships period and havent had any since 16 *16 being when I got acne* now Im 21 and thats gone but im 5 years behind the game because now they will atleast talk to me instead of looking at me like im a freak, I went from wanting to about killem all for even looking at me funny to now having them call me to come over to hang out, cept social wize im not right in the head now because I went for 5 years being VERRY anti social BECAUSE of the acne and now its like looking over the edge of a tall building wondering if I should try it because I am afraid of getting hurt first time out... I have wrote this msg 6 times over trying to find the best way to get my point across. Put it this way I have ONE female friend and she constantly tries to hook me up and seems to see me as totally normal but theres this block when it comes down to me looking str8 at them and trying to FORM some kind of bond its like its an impossible task WHY? I have tried drinking but I get mean and seperate myself from them and go into these stupid mood swings that I hate it doesnt help me like it does my friends to get laid back it makes me extremly mean and moody and I get in my car and leave and stay to myself. My friends try to get me to try drugs but I am scared to try anything strong because If the alcy has the effect of scaring myself then whats a strong drug going to do to me? make me dangerous? I have ALOT of built up anger from being alone for 5 years and its like it stays in that car like thats the only way OUT for me to express myself is to go fast and I know its false and a way out for me not to have to deal with reality but I cant let go of it and try to get on track or whatever, I see friends get hooked up with girls and the other girls left are there for me and they look at me waiting for me to start playing the game with them and its like when I dont playem up they look at me like whats up with you... and its like I wanna stop and go IM NUTZ IM GONA KILL YA ALL LOL im kidding but seriously its frustrating.. VERRY.

BTW its not my looks 6,5 215 some tan blond hair green eyes ,good job. My friends gf's look at me like they want my attintion because they act like it scares them because I wont talk to them and its like I wanna say " hey whats your problem quit giving me the eye I just dont wanna talk2u" My friends girl kep giving me this "whats in your head what are you thinkin" look tonight off and on for 10 minutes str8 I mean what do I say? cuz if i try to talk2them after that its like THEN they gimmy a look of "uhh yeah whatever you scare me quit talkin" and leave the room.. ARRRGHGHHH What I just put on here I dont even discuss with any family or friends because I dont want them to know the weekness is there... I tellya im kinda afraid im BP but I dont have the mood swings in general areas like BPD patients do.. just with this ONE thing..

Im not right in the head

You talk about your pent up anger. I don't blame you for being angry after the way you were treated. But you know most teens had acne. I know I did and used to think that everyone thought I was the ugliest thing on earth. Now I look back and think that they had it, too. Yes, some of them were mean acting about anything that was not perfect. But would I really want anything to do with jerks like that? No! I'm sure there were others who were cool with you and understood you, too, right? Try to focus on the ones who are worth it and not the jerks who don't know what they are doing. You will feel much better.

As for the anger there are plenty of constructive ways to deal with it like working on a project or washing your car. But driving fast can do you harm and no one is worth that. Especially those who act the way you have described.

I don't think you are odd. Take care.

<font color=blue>Peace to you.
CQ</font color=blue>

<font color=red>"The worst sin toward our fellow creatures is not to hate them, but to be indifferent to them: that's the essense of inhumanity." George Bernard Shaw (1856 - 1950), "The Devil's Disciple" (1901), act II.</font color=red>

I can see why you would have problems hooking up with people when you felt you were ostrocized for so long. I have had pent up rage. It came from not having any control in a situation. I felt I couldn't fix what was happening and that I was trapped. The rage is a wild uncontrolable feeling. I don't go into rages that often anymore and I sorta miss it. I had to control my anger so much, keep a lid on it, that most of the time I felt numb. When I went into a rage I definately wasn't numb anymore. It scared me, I was afraid of what I would do but at the same time there was something exhillerating about it. For a short time I was not ZERO and that was a rush. At the same time it took a lot out of me.

What has taken the rage out of this machine? Well I have been working on my self-esteem. As I learn that I am an ok person and that I have personal power I find that I am not trapped. I have started forging new relationships and the rage has subsided.

I talk about rage because you seem extremely angry. I can relate to that because I was so angry for so many years. Hope this helps,
Zen<font color=blue>

Those who know they do not know gain wisdom. Those who pretend they know ramain ignorant. Those who acknowledge their weakness become strong. Those who flaunt their power will lose it. Wisdom and power follow truth above all. For truth is the way of Tao. --from the Tao Te Ching