[TheEpicEddie]

My mother is mentally killing me
.
I am 18 years old and I am self-diagnosed with depression. My mother has no trust me in me, mostly because I smoke marijuana and I have done it once in her house and she caught me. I accepted her punishment and I truly believe that I’ve done something wrong and I told her that I would never do it again (Which I haven’t.) My mother has also caught me smoking marijuana in her car when she let me borrow one time. Same story and I haven’t done it since.

Yes, I like smoking marijuana. Am I addicted? No. I use it because It makes me feel better, it makes me feel happy, which is truly all I want.

Before my mom caught me, she didn’t really give me much freedom (She would only let me outside when the sun was out. In a way, I understand. My only excuse is that I’m a teenager trying to have fun.)

I use to watch my little sister every day after school, all by myself for about 2 years. Yet, she doesn’t trust me and it makes me feel very sad.
When I try to tell my mother how I feel, she tells me that it could be worst and begins to tell me about her past, etc. (Once again, understandable, but It’s not what I’m looking for. Also, she always tells me her stories about her past and they get VERY old.)

Every time I argue with my mother, she always hits me below the belt. For example:

This is me asking my mom if I can borrow the car to use it for my weekend job and she’s already said no. My work is about a 20 minute drive.

Me: Mom, I respect what you’re saying but I’m asking you to look from my perspective and to perhaps reconsider.

Mom: No.

Me: I know you don’t trust me, allow me to prove to you that I’m not always untrustworthy. I make mistakes. I’m only human.

Mom: I don’t care. Did you think it was that easy for me when I was your age?

Me: Why do I have to it hard then? I don’t need to have the same life as you.

Mom: You’re life isn’t hard. I’ve given you everything. You can’t disrespect me like that. I’m your mother.

Me: You've given me everything I needed. Why can’t I use this car that I NEED to go to work and to make money to buy my own car, to move on with my life?

Mom: Why didn't you find a closer job?

Me: It’s not that easy finding the perfect job. But work is work. I have tried applying for closer jobs but I have received no calls back.
Mom: You’re just not trying hard enough.
Me: I assure you, I’m trying with the best of my ability. Most jobs require experience and they always ask for references. I don’t have any. I’m grateful that my uncle and father helped provide this weekend job for me.

Mom: Then go move in with your father.

(Granted, there was a lot more detail in the argument. But I think I’ve gotten my point across.)

When I confront my mom for being so close-minded, she begins to feel bad and says I’m calling her a bad mom. I don’t think she’s a bad mother at all, I truly believe she is one of the best. The problem with my mother is that she is very stubborn and very close-minded. She believes that if someone messes up a couple of times, they’re completely and utterly irresponsible.

It makes me feel sad because I’ve graduated from high school with no issues, I don’t get into trouble with the law, I don’t believe I ask for much, the very little friends I have are not bad influences. I just don’t really know what I’ve done to absolutely deserve this.

My father, my uncle, my aunt, my cousins agree with me when I say that she has me on a very short leash and I’m 18 years old.

My mother went on vacation this summer, out of the country with her boyfriend and my little sister. She told me I needed to find somewhere else to stay and that I couldn’t stay at home. I told my mom that I didn’t need a babysitter; I’m 18 years old and I can stay home alone with no problems and that she has nothing to worry about.

My mother said I couldn’t stay and I asked her why. She told me she doesn’t know what I’m going to do. I told her that I’m not going to do anything; I don’t have friends for a party. I don’t even want to do anything. I just don’t want to be babysat at someone else’s house.

After a strong discussion, she threatens me that she will make me start paying rent.

And now I don’t remember the last night I haven’t cried. I always try to think back and figure out what exactly did I do to deserve this. I’ve done a couple of bad things, but is that truly all it takes?

I know teenagers my age who gangbangs and deals drugs and they have the ability to drive their mom’s car with their permission.

I sit at my computer all day and I couldn’t do that. I get caught smoking weed and now I can’t even ask.

I feel inadequate. What do you guys think? Am I in the wrong?

Tips would be great and I really appreciate for the people who read this and listened.

[CANDC]

EpicEddie
Maybe your mother is worried about the life pattern you are in, where it leads to, and does not know how to guide you to a more responsible life style.
Can you get a job? That seems to be one of her concerns.
Recreational drugs tend to mask a problem if our intention is to escape and not face some things in our lives.
Imagine what you would do if your mother or father would not support you anymore. If you start at that point and begin to make decisions that lead to more independence, then you may gain the respect of your mother and contribute to this world in another way besides sitting in front of the computer. You have more talent than that and we need all the talented people we can find to meet the challenges of this world.

It sounds to me like your mom is concerned about the road you're on. Comparing your behavior to others' and coming up with justifications for your own behavior isn't a healthy way to look at your life. Any time we compare, we're in trouble with our perspective.

Here's the thing: You have diagnosed yourself as having depression. Now it's time to talk to a mental health professional about treatment, whether that be therapy, medication, or both. Mj and self-medicating will lead you to a place you will regret having ended up in. I can promise you that.

[glok]

Welcome to the Community, TheEpicEddie. You know what is going on. You talk the talk, but have not walked the walk.

Hello TheEpicEddie. About your mother's offer to make you pay rent, could you afford to do this? She should appreciate the extra help and give you space if you can afford to do this.

[SnakeCharmer]

Eddie, I'm sorry you and your mom are in conflict. I do have some suggestions, but probably not the kind you'd really like to hear. It would probably feel much better to hear about ways to get your mom to change. But we can't change other people, we can only change ourselves.

First, I'd like to compliment you on a few things -- getting through high school without problems, having a weekend job and the nice things you said about your mom as you explained the difficulty of your situation. It does sound as if you're really trying to be fair about the whole thing. You've made a few mistakes in life, as we all have, but you've also done a lot of things right.

Whether your mom is acting fairly or not isn't something I can comment on because I don't know her side of the story. But it's clear that at 18, you're longing for more
freedom and would really like your mom to trust you and give you a little slack.

Unfortunately, it doesn't sound as if she's in much of a mood to budge.

I'm going to suggest you stop fighting her and claim some independence by making your own plans and arrangements. Your father, aunt, uncle and cousins sound as if they support you. If your mom says you can't stay home alone while she's on vacation, you'll feel a lot less stressed if you just accept it and start making arrangements now. Maybe you have some friends where you could stay. Maybe your dad or uncle. Instead of fuming over your mother's stubbornness, go ahead and make your own arrangements, trying to find the place that is most acceptable to you.

I'm suggesting that because I get the sense that if you don't take the bull by the horns yourself, your mother will make arrangements for you, leaving you fuming because your freedom of choice was taken away.

So what I'm saying is this: Grab whatever freedom you can. Making your own arrangements is a good step in the right direction. For many of us, freedom comes in baby steps when we're young. Your mother sounds awfully strict. The more you resist her, the more strict she'll act. It's like you're pushing and pulling against each other, keeping each other stuck. So take action, stop pushing, and claim what freedom you can.

The next thing you're probably really going to hate. I hated it when I was in your shoes, but over time I found it gave me tremendous freedom. Learn your city's transit system and bus routes. Here's a link to Milwaukee Transit (I'm going to guess you're in WI, not OR.)

Milwaukee County Transit System

I have no sense of direction. I get lost inside the grocery store. So, for me, finding transit routes was really scary. But even I figured it out in NYC and Chicago. All of a sudden I could travel all over for a reasonable price. I did get lost a few times in bad parts of town, but nothing bad happened. The important thing is don't panic and make sure you know when the last bus or trains run. You don't want to get stuck somewhere late at night after the buses stop. Trust me on that one.

Grab your freedom, Eddie, wherever you can, starting right now. You're the right age to start making these decisions on your own. Some will be brilliant, others will be blunders, many will just be confusing. But it's how we learn. I wish you the best of good fortune!

P.S. Here's another one I hated at 17 when my older cousin told me to just do it. I did and it worked. I started doing my assigned chores at home early in the day, without complaint and without being asked. I just did it instead of defiantly dragging my feet. Worked wonders on improving my mother's attitude!

[winter4me]

I think taking on responsibility for your own independence, as others have suggested is the best route. Show instead of tell. (?bike to work, public transit? co-worker, other), start to save a percentage of your pay, no matter how little each week (start a savings acct. if you do not have one); choose something to do to help out at home (if you already don't---) & do consider paying a minimal rent.
It sounds like you need/want something quite normal, for mom to express love and confidence in you---for whatever reason, this is not something she is able to do right now. You can only change what you do...
This will pass. It is not an easy time of life.

[hvert]

Can you find an apartment or shared room closer to your job? Moving out would make a lot of these problems with your mother go away!

Stop trying to figure out what you did wrong and beating yourself up over this. Your mother sounds like she is of the school that thinks that once kids are 18, they need to be independent. You can't change her, but you can move out and change your situation.