[purplemystery]

I've always been a shy person and I have this problem where I have a hard time showing my personality to people. I act extra nice and polite (perhaps boringly sweet/predictable?) until I really feel comfortable. Recently I've been on four dates with a guy and it has gone pretty far sexually, but I'm worried that he's starting to lose interest because I'm so shy and quiet- I let him do the talking mostly. In the past guys have lost interest for this very reason because I don't show them who I am, and I feel powerless to stop it. I have a sexual connection with this guy and I really want to see where it would lead if I did start opening up. Should I somehow tell this guy that I'm hard to get to know or slow to open up? How do I say that? He has been texting me less (though it could just be that he's busy) and I don't want to appear desperate or too issue-filled.

[unaluna]

What are you looking for in a relationship? It sounds like you might be interpreting a sexual connection as something more than the guy is. Steve Harvey says not to "give up the cookie" for 90 days.

[purplemystery]

I haven't gone all the way with him, but I do get attached after any sort of sexual activity. But physical intimacy without being emotionally vulnerable is obviously not as great, and I'm looking for both. I think he could really like me if I showed him who I am, but as of now, how could he like me too much if he doesn't know me? Maybe guys think there isn't much inside? He did say I come off as one of the most shy people he has ever met. It's so hard for me to connect with others in the beginning. :/ Would it be weird if I told him this?

[A Red Panda]

It wouldn't be weird at all to tell him about how you ARE in fact very shy and have a hard time opening up (although I wouldn't tell him that you feel quite attached already... that's prone to scare people...). Just going "Hey, yeah, you know how you said that I'm the shyest person you've met? I probably am... I have a hard time opening up. It doesn't mean that I'm not interested in being with you!"

[waiting4]

Originally Posted by purplemystery

I haven't gone all the way with him, but I do get attached after any sort of sexual activity. But physical intimacy without being emotionally vulnerable is obviously not as great, and I'm looking for both. I think he could really like me if I showed him who I am, but as of now, how could he like me too much if he doesn't know me? Maybe guys think there isn't much inside? He did say I come off as one of the most shy people he has ever met. It's so hard for me to connect with others in the beginning. :/ Would it be weird if I told him this?

I don't think it would be weird at all. Communication is always important and I think for you, the wisest course of action so he doesn't misunderstand your shyness. You don't have to go into major detail, (if your concerned how much to tell) just let him know just what you said...that it's hard for you to connect with people in the beginning....and you could add, that you're working on it, with him, because you like him.

Good luck!

[purplemystery]

A Red Panda- Thanks, that's a really good way of putting it! It wouldn't hurt to tell the truth, especially since he already brought it up. The awkward thing is that I think he does know I'm interested though. I'm just afraid of seeming desperate or worried because I've texted him first twice already today and got only a mild response. Ugh, I hate texting politics in dating. I appreciate the advice!

waiting4- Thanks for the advice! I should give it a shot because I don't have much to lose. It is possible that he is misunderstanding me. It's happened before.

[A Red Panda]

You won't sound desperate You're just clearing the air so that he doesn't think your quietness is indicative of disinterest (which is so often what happens.. you're even having those thoughts about his more recent quietness too )

[Fuzzybear]

[purplemystery]

So I ended up texting him, and he said "No worries. Just an observation. I'm also just not quiet, haha." So maybe he doesn't care and I was freaking out over nothing. I'm glad I let him know though.

[A Red Panda]

Yay! I'm proud of you!! That was a great response

I had to do the opposte with my bf when we first started - sometimes when I get nervous I overtalk and do NOT shut up. I apologized for it because I was convinced I was being annoying and he told me not to worry about it as he liked the babble.

Originally Posted by hankster

What are you looking for in a relationship? It sounds like you might be interpreting a sexual connection as something more than the guy is. Steve Harvey says not to "give up the cookie" for 90 days.

Come to the dark side, we have cookies. Oh wait kind off subject here. Sorry could not resist.

On a serious note, I agree. Sexual connection does not a relationship make. It's just something that should only happen after the things mentioned are overcome like her shyness and getting to know each other.

[purplemystery]

Originally Posted by A Red Panda

Yay! I'm proud of you!! That was a great response

I had to do the opposte with my bf when we first started - sometimes when I get nervous I overtalk and do NOT shut up. I apologized for it because I was convinced I was being annoying and he told me not to worry about it as he liked the babble.

Thanks!! Haha, that's basically the same scenario. Dating and relationships in general are tough.

[A Red Panda]

Yeah, the tricky part with my behaviours is that I can talk a mile a minute.... and I can even talk about bad things in my past.. .but I cannot for the life of me share my current issues, or my fears, or my needs/wants. So they'll go totally unnoticed because people will assume that I'm confident and would share them! haha. That's my challenge.. is actually sharing the important things.

Sometimes though, just gotta force ourselves to bite the bullet so that we don't kick ourselves in the butt later.

[purplemystery]

Originally Posted by A Red Panda

Yeah, the tricky part with my behaviours is that I can talk a mile a minute.... and I can even talk about bad things in my past.. .but I cannot for the life of me share my current issues, or my fears, or my needs/wants. So they'll go totally unnoticed because people will assume that I'm confident and would share them! haha. That's my challenge.. is actually sharing the important things.

Sometimes though, just gotta force ourselves to bite the bullet so that we don't kick ourselves in the butt later.

Interesting, I didn't think of it like that or realize that even the more talkative ones don't necessarily open up either. Hopefully we'll both get better at biting the bullet.

[A Red Panda]

Yeah, when I DO open up about anything at all, people are always really surprised... which then makes me withdraw again because I get embarrassed and don't want to burden them! lol.

If we both keep practicing then it's bound to improve I think it's a learned skill.

Originally Posted by A Red Panda

Yeah, when I DO open up about anything at all, people are always really surprised... which then makes me withdraw again because I get embarrassed and don't want to burden them! lol.

If we both keep practicing then it's bound to improve I think it's a learned skill.

completely understand. I am one that opens up or reveals too much sometimes and then find myself embarrassed and do the same thing.

[i dont matter]

just my opinion......

1st - if you are shy, then be shy. That is who you are, do not change or modify who you are for him. That only ends poorly.

2nd - the "physical part" - MOST guys will lose interest once they "get some". The whole why buy the cow if you get the milk for free thing is true. Stop and think about it. Either he is not serious about a LTR and is just looking for sex (in which case you do not want him), or he is interested in a LTR and he may be turned off by the fact you are not showing strong morals (in which case he may think you are not what he wants). IMO - it sounds like a lose/lose scenario)

[offthegrid]

Do you feel burdened if other people share things with you (especially in a relationship)? The answer to this is probably no. It's expected that you reveal things about yourself when you're close to people. But really, it's not a good idea to share that level of intimacy with someone and then they just "lose interest" for any reason. If he likes you for you, he will understand and accept your personality. If a guy isn't interested in a long term commitment with you (for me personally that means marriage) then "that" just isn't going to happen. It hurts when someone you thought was into you just seems to walk away.

[purplemystery]

Just an update: the guy stopped contacting me, so he is definitely not interested. :/

I understand what everyone is saying about the sexual aspect. Maybe that does have something to do with it. But to be clear, I didn't actually have sex, with him: I'm a virgin, and I told him that. Though we did go pretty far. I'm usually not the type to rush into things, so I am a little concerned about why I've suddenly become more quick. In anyone's experience, how long did you wait to have any sort of sexual activity with the person you are in a long-term relationship with?

[offthegrid]

Originally Posted by purplemystery

Just an update: the guy stopped contacting me, so he is definitely not interested. :/

I understand what everyone is saying about the sexual aspect. Maybe that does have something to do with it. But to be clear, I didn't actually have sex, with him: I'm a virgin, and I told him that. Though we did go pretty far. I'm usually not the type to rush into things, so I am a little concerned about why I've suddenly become more quick. In anyone's experience, how long did you wait to have any sort of sexual activity with the person you are in a long-term relationship with?

I am in my first relationship. We have known each other for 2 years but have been dating for 8 months. We have not had sex or any kind of sexual activity. He's okay with it so far which is honestly a surprise to me. :/

I'm glad you are questioning your motives on this issue.

I have a problem showing my personality too... or holding a conversation. It's the main reason I haven't had many friends.