[Lemongrab]

I recently moved back from the city to my hometown. My boyfriend and I were going to rent our own flat but we were unable to come up with the money for the rent deposit and so we lost out. My younger brother (18) is currently living in the house I lived in for 2 years until I moved. My father owns the house and he built it years ago for my grandparents, one who is now deceased and the other is in care.

So we moved in and I was warned that my brother, who also has Aspergers, is extremely fussy about the state of the house. It didn't take me long to realise he has severe OCD when it comes to cleanliness. You could not leave a cup or plate in the sink and he would freak out. He would spend his time wiping down counters and cleaning the kitchen cupboard doors with detergent, sweeping, mopping, etc. We tried our hardest to comply with his demands. We cleaned up after ourselves constantly and made sure the house was always pristine so he wouldn't get upset.

Despite our best efforts, he was constantly going next door to my mother's house and complaining to her about us. Instead of coming to speak to me face to face about things that he didn't like, he would go complain there: we were disrupting his routine, he felt like he couldn't play his music loud, we left a dish in the sink, he feels like his space is invaded, etc. Now bear in mind that before we moved in I asked him if it would be okay for us to live there, and he responded very positively, saying he would like to have us there. Within a week this had all changed. He is also obsessed with money and asked that we all have our own separate groceries: milk, tea, sugar, etc., right down to separate rolls of toilet paper. I told him that we are a family and families share, but again I complied with his request to keep him happy.

After a week I noticed he was going to my mom more and more even started sleeping there. Eventually it came out that he just could not handle us in his space anymore and one morning I got a message on my phone telling me that I must be out of the house by the end of the day before he gets home from work. Needless to say I was shocked, hurt and angry. I tried everything to tow the line, I did everything the way he wanted, I was being kicked out of the house by my younger brother after tiptoeing around him and it felt like a kick in the teeth.

My mom took us in and now I am no longer on speaking terms with my brother. He didn't even give the situation a chance. He could have waited a month or so to see if things would improve and at least give me a chance to settle in before he just threw me out. I feel what he did was disgustingly selfish and I now realise that he has absolutely no sense of family or understands the meaning of unity. He still tried to send me messages saying "no hard feelings, i just can't live with you" - I told him there are certainly hard feelings from me and I don't know how long it will take me to forgive him.

He has no friends and no social life. His world is going to work as an apprentice mechanic at my dad's business, coming home and fussing over the house. My boyfriend and I thought we could loosen him up a little, make him some friends, get him a life and maybe even a girlfriend. Now I hope he rots alone in this god forsaken house for the rest of his miserable sad little life.

My health has suffered so much in these last two weeks. After a harrowing move from the city 700km away to having to move again a week and a half later, I had to increase my anxiety medication and I am now sitting with severe flu as the stress has shot my immune system. My poor mother is under stress as she has to be the mediator of this whole situation and my father has expressed no interest in stepping in.

Basically my brother gets his way whenever he wants. My parents have a guilt complex because they divorced when he was 7 and he had a tough upbringing. But this kid has always had problems with authority. He was expelled from his schools and has a clear issue with authority, especially from women. He resents both me and my older sister for reasons unknown (and women in general, the only woman he seems to tolerate is my mother who he clings to constantly). He is unable to make friends or socialise effectively as his Aspergers is quite severe.

Now I understand all of this. I have Aspergers too. I understand he has issues and I tried to be as gentle with him as possible while I was living there, but what he did I just cannot forgive and forget. I don't know how to get past this and I need advice on what I should do from here because my family are all too subjective. They expect me to let things go in time and let everything go back to normal but I don't know how I can do that.

[waiting4]

Lemongrab.....although I understand you have Aspergers too, I think in your case, it must not be as severe, and obviously not combined with OCD. IMHO, I think you're being a little harsh with him.

I'm sorry the living arrangements didn't work out, even as you tried to do the things your brother requested...it's clear, he was not going to 'loosen up' with the issues he's dealing with. And the fact is, would it REALLY have been easier to have to move AFTER you got good and comfortable????

I think your brother is probably content with his life as he has it...you didn't mention him complaining, other than complaining about you and your bf. And as regimented as his life is, it probably gives him the structure he needs to carry on....you and your bf in constant attendance, no doubt thru him into a tail spin.

I also do appreciate that he is still trying to maintain a 'sort' of connection with you with his messages....and I also appreciate the level of stress this is having on you and your mother. I hope things work out for you in the end, but please don't blame your brother for something he clearly can't help. He was not the cause of you're having to move in with him in the first place, and while I'm sure the stress of the initial move is compelling, that doesn't absolve you of understanding the situation your brother found himself in, when you and your bf moved in.

I wish you well, and hope you find someplace just for you and your bf soon.

[trying2survive]

Originally Posted by Lemongrab

I recently moved back from the city to my hometown. My boyfriend and I were going to rent our own flat but we were unable to come up with the money for the rent deposit and so we lost out. My younger brother (18) is currently living in the house I lived in for 2 years until I moved. My father owns the house and he built it years ago for my grandparents, one who is now deceased and the other is in care.

So we moved in and I was warned that my brother, who also has Aspergers, is extremely fussy about the state of the house. It didn't take me long to realise he has severe OCD when it comes to cleanliness. You could not leave a cup or plate in the sink and he would freak out. He would spend his time wiping down counters and cleaning the kitchen cupboard doors with detergent, sweeping, mopping, etc. We tried our hardest to comply with his demands. We cleaned up after ourselves constantly and made sure the house was always pristine so he wouldn't get upset.

Despite our best efforts, he was constantly going next door to my mother's house and complaining to her about us. Instead of coming to speak to me face to face about things that he didn't like, he would go complain there: we were disrupting his routine, he felt like he couldn't play his music loud, we left a dish in the sink, he feels like his space is invaded, etc. Now bear in mind that before we moved in I asked him if it would be okay for us to live there, and he responded very positively, saying he would like to have us there. Within a week this had all changed. He is also obsessed with money and asked that we all have our own separate groceries: milk, tea, sugar, etc., right down to separate rolls of toilet paper. I told him that we are a family and families share, but again I complied with his request to keep him happy.

After a week I noticed he was going to my mom more and more even started sleeping there. Eventually it came out that he just could not handle us in his space anymore and one morning I got a message on my phone telling me that I must be out of the house by the end of the day before he gets home from work. Needless to say I was shocked, hurt and angry. I tried everything to tow the line, I did everything the way he wanted, I was being kicked out of the house by my younger brother after tiptoeing around him and it felt like a kick in the teeth.

My mom took us in and now I am no longer on speaking terms with my brother. He didn't even give the situation a chance. He could have waited a month or so to see if things would improve and at least give me a chance to settle in before he just threw me out. I feel what he did was disgustingly selfish and I now realise that he has absolutely no sense of family or understands the meaning of unity. He still tried to send me messages saying "no hard feelings, i just can't live with you" - I told him there are certainly hard feelings from me and I don't know how long it will take me to forgive him.

He has no friends and no social life. His world is going to work as an apprentice mechanic at my dad's business, coming home and fussing over the house. My boyfriend and I thought we could loosen him up a little, make him some friends, get him a life and maybe even a girlfriend. Now I hope he rots alone in this god forsaken house for the rest of his miserable sad little life.

My health has suffered so much in these last two weeks. After a harrowing move from the city 700km away to having to move again a week and a half later, I had to increase my anxiety medication and I am now sitting with severe flu as the stress has shot my immune system. My poor mother is under stress as she has to be the mediator of this whole situation and my father has expressed no interest in stepping in.

Basically my brother gets his way whenever he wants. My parents have a guilt complex because they divorced when he was 7 and he had a tough upbringing. But this kid has always had problems with authority. He was expelled from his schools and has a clear issue with authority, especially from women. He resents both me and my older sister for reasons unknown (and women in general, the only woman he seems to tolerate is my mother who he clings to constantly). He is unable to make friends or socialise effectively as his Aspergers is quite severe.

Now I understand all of this. I have Aspergers too. I understand he has issues and I tried to be as gentle with him as possible while I was living there, but what he did I just cannot forgive and forget. I don't know how to get past this and I need advice on what I should do from here because my family are all too subjective. They expect me to let things go in time and let everything go back to normal but I don't know how I can do that.

it sounds like to me your brother is an insufferable a**hole. SEPARATE TOILET PAPER? REALLY??? what are you guys supposed to do color code it??

one dish in the sink and he complains?? OMG..i couldn't have left fast enough.
no wonder he doesn't have any friends or a gf..no one would tolerate someone so uptight.

my ex was OCD and bi polar ( would never allow me to do the dishes..which was just fine with me) she never went to any of those extremes!

he knew you guys situation & totally threw you guys to the wolves..i would NEVER forgive it! EVER, brother or not..family relation has no bearing on what you can and cannot get away with with me.

i wouldn't be on speaking terms either..you MUST be out of the house by the end of the day BEFORE i get home WTF?? the whole planet earth would have to freeze over twice before i spoke to him again!

and the nerve to say NO HARD FEELINGS! HA HA HA you must be kidding.
just reading your post reminds me of how much i hate my family, it really does..they are a bunch of raging jerks too, but wow i must admit i am totally blown away!

next time he text, i would tell him "don't text me again or i will file charges"
hopefully you and your bf can get a place far far away from this a**hole!

[Lemongrab]

Wow, two completely conflicting responses, haha! Thank you for taking the time to read and reply. Waiting4 I did take your response to heart, however I still feel what he did was extreme and not something you do to your own family...

[music junkie]

Originally Posted by trying2survive

it sounds like to me your brother is an insufferable a**hole. SEPARATE TOILET PAPER? REALLY??? what are you guys supposed to do color code it??

one dish in the sink and he complains?? OMG..i couldn't have left fast enough.
no wonder he doesn't have any friends or a gf..no one would tolerate someone so uptight.

my ex was OCD and bi polar ( would never allow me to do the dishes..which was just fine with me) she never went to any of those extremes!

he knew you guys situation & totally threw you guys to the wolves..i would NEVER forgive it! EVER, brother or not..family relation has no bearing on what you can and cannot get away with with me.

i wouldn't be on speaking terms either..you MUST be out of the house by the end of the day BEFORE i get home WTF?? the whole planet earth would have to freeze over twice before i spoke to him again!

and the nerve to say NO HARD FEELINGS! HA HA HA you must be kidding.
just reading your post reminds me of how much i hate my family, it really does..they are a bunch of raging jerks too, but wow i must admit i am totally blown away!

next time he text, i would tell him "don't text me again or i will file charges"
hopefully you and your bf can get a place far far away from this a**hole!

DITTO to this super amusing post! I feel the same way, I wouldn't have been able to leave fast enough, & it also reminds me of why I hate my family.

So sorry you were treated like this! I am glad though that you had somewhere else to go.

[hvert]

It sounds like his biggest mistake was in saying it was okay for you to live there when it really wasn't. It would have been much better to say no right off the bat, but maybe he wanted to make an effort to be helpful?

I would have a hard time letting any of my siblings move in with me, especially with a significant other. Being a single person living with a couple is really hard. Living with a sibling can also be really hard, especially if you prefer solitude. Combining all of that... recipe for disaster!

Were you paying for 2/3rds of the groceries and toilet paper or using stuff he bought? I let my brother use my house when I was out of town for a few months. When I got back, I saw that he had 'shared' a lot of my stuff, like a year's supply of razor blades and expensive women's bath products. He burned through a tank of oil ($1k) before it got cold, managed to run up larger water and light bills than I had with two people living there. I was pretty mad-- I had quit my job to travel and didn't include his exorbitant expenses in my budget.

I told him I was unhappy with what he did and then I decided to get over it. It's not worth having a bad relationship over something like this. I knew what he was like before I let him stay in my house. You knew that your brother would be hard to live with, and it turned out he was even worse as a roommate than you expected.

I would try to focus on being glad that I had an alternative place to go and glad that I got out of an unhappy living situation with my brother before it got even worse. It was so bad that he actually moved out while you were there, right? And you couldn't have been happy living with someone who just kept complaining about every little thing you did.

You both learned you can't live together. If you can, I would leave it at that. Unless there is a bigger history, I would let this one go as the kind of disagreement siblings sometimes have--- and just tuck it away in the back of my mind for future reference (in case he wants you to get involved in the family business some day, for instance). I hope you guys can get a place of your own soon and have a little peace from the family drama!

[trying2survive]

Originally Posted by music junkie

DITTO to this super amusing post! I feel the same way, I wouldn't have been able to leave fast enough, & it also reminds me of why I hate my family.

So sorry you were treated like this! I am glad though that you had somewhere else to go.

yeah, this thread was like a hella trigger for me, it just made me so angry and i had flashbacks of all the BS i put up with over the years from my family..they try to be cordial..i just blow them off!

[strawberrymilk]

So in my previous job I worked at a science lab and worked with many individuals who has asperger's syndrome. I'm no professional, but it does seem like it's a "thing" amongst scientists. Although I understand that everyone is different, I think what I learned from my interactions is that they are wired differently than us. What seem to be an obvious and normal interaction between peers, family, or friends is not as obvious or normal to them. However, this also means that you can just tell things directly, and not worry about the consequences (ie. offending them).

An example : I told a senior scientist that he smells like he hasn't showered in days so he should wash up. He just took it, and the next day, he made it a point to come up to me to report that he had showered!

Sure maybe everyone is different, but I have this gut feeling that you can take the silver lining of the aspergers and use it to your advantage. I think you can probably visit your brother, tell him face to face that it was not appropriate for him to throw his family member out of his house because of his own obsessive habits and that you are unhappy about it. He may not be cued in to realize that he should apologize, but at least he will know where you stand.

I think there's only so much you can expect. None of these scientists I speak of have wives or close friends, but they are outstanding in their jobs because they are so hard working and so detail oriented.

[trying2survive]

Originally Posted by Lemongrab

Wow, two completely conflicting responses, haha! Thank you for taking the time to read and reply. Waiting4 I did take your response to heart, however I still feel what he did was extreme and not something you do to your own family...

i hope i didn't come off as too harsh, i guess since i don't get on well with my family this one really set me off and brought back some bad memories, no disrespect intended

[Lemongrab]

My siblings all told him what he did was wrong. My mom says he has realised he did something very bad and apparently he wants to apologise but my mom told him to just wait and give me some time to get over my anger first.