[kirby777]

Hi-

It is becoming quite clear, via T, that I have major issues in creating boundaries with people in my life. These include my mom, my bf, his child, other family members. I need to learn how to do this as my issues/anxiety/depression, while being helped by meds, are being affected by NOT having boundaries.

My T said I should allow my BF to "own" his child's behavior (a teenager). She said the child is not mine, so I should not get involved. I like this idea. T also said that if I do not like how BF is treating me, I should say "I want a BF who does "X" (ie, return my calls, has 10 minutes to talk to me in a a five day period, etc nothing over the top). I do not want to be in a relationship w/ a guy whom cannot do "x", or will not try to do "x".".

How do you all create boundaries? Thanks in advance!

[IrisBloom]

That is good advice. In a relationship you should not settle for less than what you deserve. It's one thing to tolerate another person's quirks, and quite another to let them take you for granted. You should tell him what you expect and if he loves you and wants to make you happy he will at least try to please you.

[Werewoman]

I used to have this problem REEEEEEAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLYYYYYYY bad.

It depends on the circumstances, but I agree with your T. I have learned that if someone is violating my boundaries it IS OKAY to let them know, respectfully (even if they aren't) that I won't allow it and if necessary walk away. I learned not to violate other people's boundaries by being cognitive of what I would think if the other person was acting like me. I hope that makes sense.

Just like all changes we have to make in our behavior, it takes time and practice, but it does eventually become easier. Now I don't have to be as self-conscious about it as I used to be.

Hope this helps.

WW

[hvert]

I still struggle with this. For me, I am not sure where boundaries are supposed to be. How can I tell when I am being selfish and when it is normal to stick up for myself? I'm practicing, but it is very hard to do!

It is probably not a great idea, but I find it helpful to ask other people if they think I am being reasonable. It's helping me figure out where to draw the line and trust my judgment more often.