[flours]

I'm sure something like this has been posted about a million times before. but due to my short attention span I can't find it right now.

I haven't had a boyfriend in years and can't figure out why. I'm being rather frustrated now.
seem to be lacking the possibility because I never even get in touch with anybody.

people here where I live do not talk to each other on the street. it's generally a cold and unfriendly place. I go to bars a lot but others there only talk to people they brought and they already know. If I talk to anyone at all I end up the same. talking to the people I already know even if I don't want that.
Of course it is impolite to end a conversation in order to look for other people. so I find myself listening to them for a whole evening which may also be nice but I will never talk to anyone new. my acquaintances are all girls!! not because I chose that but because for some unknown reason only girls talk to me. and they never introduce me to any friends.
(lately I have almost not met any people at all though.)

there is this other thing I go to sometimes, let's just say it's the "go out and join a workshop" part. and it's the same there.

when I was younger everything was easier. I don't remember it being particularly difficult having a boyfriend when I was in school. not compared to now. life was changing more often then. for me now it has been the same for a long time and nothing has changed although I tried a lot of different things.
I tried to be charming and talkative, put on a nice dress sometimes. I went places and did new things, like classes, workshops etc., volunteered, did anything I like and where you could meet people. then I tried pretending I don't care, then I actually didn't care for a while, then I started wondering again if life is ever going to change.

the only thing I learned was that I found out how to make people think I was looking for anonymous sex, which I don't.

also I must add that during the years there have been a few persons among my friends/acquaintances that (were male and) I found interesting. but if I suggested having a drink together (not hinting at anything else than a casual meeting of friends) they would decline and chose to hang out with other people than me. or rather be alone than spending any time with me.

I wouldn't say that I am particularly ugly or look very old or anything scary. but when I go out with friends only they will be addressed by other people, not me. it's like I am invisible. from my girlfriends I often get compliments for my beautiful and extravagant dresses. so I guess I am not physically invisible.
I'm not a crazy over the top spinster sort of person either. I'm rather a bit shy but can talk at the right moments.

right now I've come to believe that I am just lacking some basic social skills. because it's similar for me with finding friends but not quite as bad. (I did actually find a few friends during the last couple of years.)

I guess there is a good chance that this is not going to have any answers. but well, at least I've tried…

[atomicc]

I can relate a lot to this post. My best friend tells me that I am not as outgoing as she is and that's why more guys seek her out. I'm not sure if she's right, but it's one possible explanation why guys tend to go for your friends or other people more so over you.
I guess we don't realize much how we put forth, but I've been recently told I'm cold and I never thought so. :/
Maybe try a dating site? That way you can get to know them closely before having to actually meet them and be social.
Hope this helps!

[Bumblebuzz12]

Instead of thinking that guys just don't like you, have you thought that maybe your extravagant dresses and your beauty are too much for them to handle. I'm not saying that you should dress down for their sake. I'm just saying that maybe they are just afraid of being rejected. It takes a lot of courage to stand up and tell people how you truly feel about them.
While us girls are just waiting to be asked out, guys are probably just as anxious and afraid.
3 reasons why I think you haven't found someone:
1. You haven't found the one. Everything happens for a reason if it's meant to be then it will happen.
2. Your trying too hard. Just be yourself. When you find the one you don't want him to like you for your extravagant dresses or your expensive makeup. He should like you whether your in jeans and a t shirt or an extravagant dress. It shouldn't matter.
3.Enjoy being single! When you come across the one, you want to send a vibe that says your happy with who you are and your status. You don't want to come off as being unhappy and wishing you can change your circumstances. Think of all the things you don't have to worry about because your single.
Btw have you tried flirting. Guys love being admired and looked up to.

I wish the best of luck to you

[flours]

thanks for your answers!
It is very nice that you think about what might be going wrong for me.

Originally Posted by atomicc

My best friend tells me that I am not as outgoing as she is

that may be true for me, too!!
have also heard from several friends that I was "cool" but don't understand why because I try to be nice and people just won't let me talk.

Originally Posted by atomicc

Maybe try a dating site?

forgot to mention that I tried online dating but it was horrible and didn't work. the people I met were scary. also it cost money which I don't have anymore.

Originally Posted by Bumblebuzz12

if it's meant to be then it will happen

no, this doesn't work. I have been thinking like that for 8 years!!! this is not going to happen while I am alone at home.

Originally Posted by Bumblebuzz12

maybe your extravagant dresses and your beauty are too much for them to handle.

my style is not that crazy and I don't look like a model either. I look average. I don't think there is a problem with my appearance. during 8 years how I look has changed enough times to be sure.

Originally Posted by Bumblebuzz12

Enjoy being single!

I can live by myself very well. I had enough time to find out how to do that and feel free. but now I am realizing that another decade later this will still be the same. and it makes me sad. I am not such a horrible person to deserve to die alone. but it looks like I will. my family always asks me why I never bring anybody. and I cannot answer anything but that nobody would even speak to me. not my family's pressure is making me sad. being excluded and avoided for so many years makes me sad.

when I am feeling good many times I forget that I have been so alone for such a long time and feel like everything is still possible and that it's okay to be alone. but there is a reason for that long time to happen.
this is not normal. and I figured out it will not change all by itself. this is a long enough time to wait for change.
I am at an age when almost everybody around me is already taken and there are only people left single who don't want relationships. the possibilities are getting less and less. and the older I get the more unlikely I will find somebody.

and I spent all my young adulthood, the time when I was looking best, been the most open to new things, had enough time, I spent it alone.

I wouldn't expect anything special. I don't even say I need to find a relationship right now. but I am sick of only talking to other women (irl) and never even getting the chance to see if there might be a chance for me.

had a nice chat with a lesbian girl the other night. I wish I were lesbian.

[BobbyDavis]

Have you ever considered moving?

I don’t have many male friends apart from my Sister and friends' husbands but I know there are a lot of single men out there that are searching for relationships like you and it could be most of them are taken in the area you are living in.

Good luck and don’t beat yourself up over it.

[flours]

Originally Posted by BobbyDavis

it could be most of them are taken in the area you are living in.

I live in a big European city. there should be enough people here. but yeah, for some strange coincidence they might all be taken. or it's just not a lucky place for me.
(no sarcasm)

[TheDeepGreenSea]

I'm almost 30 and a man. From my perspective, it's been getting less and less socially acceptable to randomly approach people - the exception is if you have a group and try to merge with another group or bring lone people into a larger group. Also, it seems less standoffish when two people are both pretty drunk, but that's just a disaster waiting to happen.

I was never really a pick people up at bars type, but some of my friends were and the responses they got from just trying to get people to talk were sometimes pretty hostile.

I haven't dated in a couple years, but after college I used OKcupid and got set up with friends of friends. That worked out alright and neither cost money.

Just my perspective, but if I were looking to date right now with the goal of a relationship or long term dating, a bar would be the last place I'd be looking.

[hvert]

The finding-dates-in-bars scene is about as bad as the finding-dates-online scene, or at least it was for me

I think the DeepGreenSea has a very good point that it is just harder to meet people randomly nowadays. People are wrapped up in their phones and less likely to engage with strangers.

I would try to think of a class that might attract as many men as women -- perhaps something outdoorsy or moderately athletic? I've found that the best way to meet new people is to do something like a class where you will see the same people on a regular basis for an extended period of time. Go for something that has some level of interaction - a foreign language? Karate? Acting, writing... you may have to try a few things before you find something that works for you.

[flours]

yeah, I have already been taking part in any kind of activities that I possibly found interesting/ affordable / had time for. for example I went to an acting class where you have to work with people a lot, I helped with some big projects that involved many other people, I went to sports classes, etc... got rid of a lot of money and time but except that nothing ever changed. I am not only talking about being in bars but about any sort of situation that occurs in my life. the bars were just an example for me going to a public place so I don't feel like I am alone at home all the time. the weather is nice mostly now so I feel like I want to leave my home sometimes. I cannot think of anything I could still try...I just don't get in touch with new people. nowhere. they all already have their friends and partners who they probably found while studying or doing their jobs. but for me this will not happen because I missed the right time or because I'm just not that kind of person anybody would like to talk to. I guess I must accept that not everybody can have a life with other people around.