[freedom1]

Is this a problem or am I asking for to much out of a relationship? Married 15yrs

Letter to my wife,

As always, I’m sorry for all the trouble my expectations have caused you over the years. Before you read this, I would like to get a couple things straight. I believe that everyone has a right to their beliefs, wants, and desires. I also want you to know that I do not believe in anyway that you are anything but nice and would never do harm. As you are well aware, my relationship with the person I am partnered with for life or assumed life is of great importance (I don’t have the benefit of believing in a known afterlife). With that said, I will explain one last time why I get so disappointed. The cause never comes from just one thing that happens. One thing does bring up past memories and as a collective group paints a picture that puts me in a corner. Here is a partial painting, from the early years of our marriage I had to deal with your obsession with your previous boyfriend, your consent stories of all the girls he dated along with the fact that he was in your words huge. That with the knowledge that after our three dates you had made up your mind that I was the one and then go to break up with him and end up spending the night (my thought is either you were hoping he would want and promise you marriage or you were going for one last sexual fulfillment) (I do not see anything wrong with that, except for the settling effect it has on the person you are marrying). When I did ask you to stop talking about him you did and I was grateful. Next was the consent referring to me as little, small, and skinny(5.11”, 180lbs) These are not complements for a male and made me feel that I’m not what you desire on the attraction side of a relationship). If I remember, I think I asked you to stop that also and you did. Next was the comparing of me to people you do not like and getting very upset at me for thinking I had said something to someone you thought changed their opinion of you from the greatest woman to something less great. This of course bothered me due to the fact that you don’t get upset when you believe my opinion of you is less then it was. (Just so you know, I have never said anything that would be considered non complementary about you to anyone and I believe that is not true on your end). Then it was your statement that you would never get married again, once was enough, again what a blissful statement after just 5 years. We then move to all the nights I was feeling inadequate, and your response was anger. Instead of showing any compassion, you went to sleep. You did talk me down many times, but it was always with making me feel bad about making you angry. If we did talk about my feelings of inadequatecy, you would use words like Fine, adequate, made the cut and deny that they meant what they meant. Statements like, it makes no difference to me the size of the person I like, but if it turns out that he is big, that would just be a bonus. Most people would take from that, that if he was of a smaller size(l:5.75”, G:4.5”) the opposite would be true, deprivation, fine, forfeiture, loss, penalty. We all make choices to the best of our ability, most times they turn out ok, sometimes great, and sometimes not so great. If you no longer or never found me desirable on the attraction side of our relationship, maybe It’s time to let me know that and not use words that do not match up with unconscious actions. I will/can adjust when I know what I’m dealing with, it may not be the same, but at least for me it won’t be any worse. The guessing and hopeful wishing is only making it worse for me.

Always loving you,

[Travelinglady]

Hi, freedom1, and welcome to Psych Central! My first thought, being perfectly honest, was that you were #2 in her choice of mates. And that you're likely right that she wanted the former boyfriend to marry her. So, she rather bitterly kept putting you down in her comparisons. She was obviously still wrapped up in him. To her credit, at least she stopped all that stuff when you asked her to. But remember that these thoughts are only MY opinion, and I am not a marriage counselor.

With all these things going on, I am wondering what leads you to be attracted to her and to stay with her. She has certainly not been good for your self-esteem.

If you were to share this letter with her, then I strongly recommend that you read it to her, so she can respond. I think just leaving it for her to read would be rather cold. Or is communication to the point where you just don't feel comfortable sharing your thoughts and feeling with her in person?

If you two agree that you want to stay together, then I recommend you do see a professional marriage counselor. If she won't go with you, then I suggest you go alone. Okay?

I hope things will work out for the best.

[glok]

Welcome to the Community, freedom1. Good letter.

9 Steps to Better Communication Today | World of Psychology

I wish you well.

[waiting4]

Originally Posted by Travelinglady

Hi, freedom1, and welcome to Psych Central! My first thought, being perfectly honest, was that you were #2 in her choice of mates. And that you're likely right that she wanted the former boyfriend to marry her. So, she rather bitterly kept putting you down in her comparisons. She was obviously still wrapped up in him. To her credit, at least she stopped all that stuff when you asked her to. But remember that these thoughts are only MY opinion, and I am not a marriage counselor.

With all these things going on, I am wondering what leads you to be attracted to her and to stay with her. She has certainly not been good for your self-esteem.

If you were to share this letter with her, then I strongly recommend that you read it to her, so she can respond. I think just leaving it for her to read would be rather cold. Or is communication to the point where you just don't feel comfortable sharing your thoughts and feeling with her in person?

If you two agree that you want to stay together, then I recommend you do see a professional marriage counselor. If she won't go with you, then I suggest you go alone. Okay?

I hope things will work out for the best.

Do read the letter to her, if that's possible, don't just let her read it. Dismissal often starts with an unintentional act by the one who does not want to be dismissed. If you just let her read it, she will have all the reason to ignore and not address any of your valid points.

Then, everything Travelinglady said thereafter. I wish you well....and by the way...5'11" and 180 is ideal in my boat. If it comes to that.....just know, you can do better than someone who hurts with criticism of that nature, plus the other. There are lots of good ladies out there who would be proud to know you. Remember that, the next time she puts you down.

Take care.

[freedom1]

[QUOTE=Travelinglady;3932506]

Communication seems better when starting with the written word, otherwise the conversation goes off track. I would like to clarify a few things. She does not put me down, the comparisons are true in comparison. She has never complained about us. She is a very happy and open person with no filter. We get along great, have two children and have what any person would find as lucky. Other than my feeling of inadequatecy we have everything. Also, my self-esteem is perfectly fine with the exception of my sexual short falls.