[Katz224]

So to start off with, I am physically disabled and my dad especially does a lot for me. I can't walk and can get injured easily if not handled properly. He helps me with medical, financial, school, and basically is my aide/friend and is with me 24/7.

Problem is our relationship has been going severely downhill since the middle of high school when I was applying for college. While he was helping me with writing my applications, I would get really stressed and sore physically and would start to have trouble communicating my thoughts. My thoughts would get jumbled or, sometimes, I would be thinking in so many different directions that I would leave out part of the thoughts I was trying to convey and it would end up sounding completely illogical. He'd get mad and say I wasn't concentrating or that I was being stupid. During one argument he even went so far as to say I didn't deserve to go to college. Course he was doing a lot at the time just so I could get the tuition and accommodations to go to college, so while I felt really down with his arguments I just assumed he was mad and would get over feeling this way toward me.

But it got worse in college. I would inevitably screw up on not planning my schedule with him or turning in housing forms later then he liked. But most of the time when we get into a fight it's over the stupidest stuff, like me giving him the wrong information or not making sense when I say something or making him "ask 20 questions" to get answers out of me. This doesn't happen all of the time but I guess a large argument might happen at least once every 2 months if not every month. I know I'm partly to blame for the conflict, but I also feel absolutely terrified and paranoid of screwing up and upsetting him. It's to the point that doing almost any kind of work makes me feel sick to do and that I avoid doing things because I'm afraid of getting in trouble. I also hide a lot more from him now I don't trust telling him. If I say I am sad about stuff he sympathizes at the time but then uses it against me in an argument saying I'm being self centered and thinking to much about my ego. Or I will say how I love a movie or tv show and he turns it around in an argument so that X show is the cause of me procrastinating or not doing my work. He may be right but it seems a little convenient to say one thing caused me to procrastinate and anyways now I feel like I have to hide any interests that aren't purely academic or that I know he'll approve of.

To give you all some more background, my mom has ADHD and depression and my dad has a lot of health issues like diabetes and insomnia that makes it so he is sick and feels unwell a lot. When he argues with someone it really screws him up big time, like screwing up his sleep schedule, giving him a bad cold for a month, and sometimes making him feel like he'll have a heart attack. Also my parents have fought a lot in the past but their relationship seems to be better recently. I love my dad a lot and get really upset when I hurt him (through arguments). He's actually my best friend when we're not fighting and says things praising me then. I used to never actively fight back in arguments (I wasn't trying to argue and felt bad for messing up- he would still think I'm arguing though). But lately he keeps saying stuff like comparing me to my mom ( in a negative way) or saying I'm evil for hurting him, and that I don't care about him. This pushes me over the edge to where I really DO want to fight with him and I'll yell back. But of course he always wins because eventually I'm afraid of him being so mad and me not being able to move well. You just don't want to risk pushing people past a certain point. I always regret it when I do sometimes argue back ( on purpose) but I do it because I'm feeling more and more trapped and helpless. What he says to me (true or not I don't know ) hurts to hear and I don't know how to stop messing up. It's at the point that I feel less and less interested in academic things I think maybe because I'm afraid of failing and I'm worried he's right about me being stupid or crazy. I DO forget things really easily like names and dates and I also do mix up what I want to say a lot.

Is there something wrong with me? Do I have a mental problem like my mom? Or is my dad wrong in saying these things? I think he is trying to prepare me for dealing with all the problems I will need to in the adult world, but I'm worried that it's making it more hard for me to deal with things because the more he gives up on me in his arguments the more I feel less capable and just want to run away from problems.

[Travelinglady]

Hi, Katz224, and welcome to Psych Central! It's hard to say what all might be going on with you and your dad. Here are some thoughts. More than one of them might be true: 1) You do have some ADHD tendencies, so you get distracted, especially when you feel under pressure. Or just the pressure and anxiety could lead you to get mixed up; 2) Your dad is just feeling overwhelmed with caring for you and your mom and needs some "me" time away. 24/7 is a lot to deal with. Is there anyone who could come in to help out sometimes, even if they need to be paid helpers?; 3) Your dad is worried about how you would deal with school, especially if it involves a classroom, so he is sort of passive aggressive about the whole thing; 4) He takes out his frustrations on you because of what I have mentioned before.

Maybe you, your dad, and your mom need to try to talk about these matters. Okay? I hope things will go better soon.

[Fuzzybear]

[lilypup]

so sorry to hear all this.

[hvert]

Hmmm -- is it possible that your father has always been this way but it is has now gotten worse since you have started to fight back? Fighting back seems like a normal coming of age thing to me -- we get to a point where we want to be independent of our parents. I think the closer you are to a parent, the worse the struggle for independence is.

I'm sorry you're dealing with this. I ran into similar problems breaking free from my mother, in terms of her turning anything I said against me somehow. I found that it was just easier for me to give her basically no information she could use against me. Not sure if this is the case for you, but I let my mother sort of substitute as a friend. In hindsight, I wish I had spent more time actively seeking out friends.

I do think that it is very wrong for your father to say that you are evil, don't care about him, etc. All that strikes me as verbally abusive and I could see why you would have trouble concentrating. Yes, he has health problems and may be stressed out, but those are pretty bad things to say. Are there any sort of academic support services at your school? Tutoring? Study groups? Counselors who teach study techniques?

[SnakeCharmer]

Hi, Katz, all of the above posters offered wise words worth considering seriously.

When I read about your situation, I really came up with a picture in my mind of a family -- all three of your individually and together -- stressed out to the max, with the extra added problem of everyone having big health issues that make life more difficult. You all obviously need some help to get through this stressful time. The question is, where do you start?

If your school has a counseling center, perhaps you could start there, asking if they have a staff counselor that could sit down and talk with you or if they could make a referral. If you're on disability, your health insurance probably pays for you to see a therapist. If you don't get a referral through school, you can probably get one by calling your primary doctor.

If you don't know what to say and can't get the whole thing out, try something simple like this: "I'm having some adjustment and communication problems and would like a referral to a licensed psychotherapist or psychologist."

As Hvert suggested, you may also need some tutors or study groups to help you be more successful and feel less scared of making mistakes.

The thought that came into my head as I read about your situation is that you could really use the help of a psychotherapist who can teach you how to "fight fair" within the family dynamic. It sounds as if you and you dad have fallen into the trap of making low blows at each other, saying things that really hurt. It upsets you, gets you all ruffled up and afraid of making mistakes, and you know the arguments upset him for a long time, too.

Having a blowout with your parents every month or two is actually fairly common when people get to your age. I fought with my parents much more frequently when I first started college. We were at odds on many things and we got through it okay.

Your situation is complicated by the fact that you depend on your dad for care. He sounds very devoted to you and it sounds as if he's not dealing well with all the changes and stresses as you grow up and start college.

All these unpleasant words and stress have gotten in the way of your loving relationship. Underneath it all, it sounds as if the love is still there, as strong as ever.

If a therapist can help you learn to communicate better with your dad and to argue in a fairer and nicer way (yes, arguing can be nicer!) you may be able to convince him and/or your mom to participate in some family counseling sessions. It could help to smooth the waters, so that you, your dad and your mom all get along better and feel considerably less stress. A good counselor could help your dad understand that his angry words aren't helping the situation at all.

The place to start is with yourself. If you depend on your dad for transportation and have to explain to him why you're seeing a therapist, it's okay to tell him the truth -- you want to learn how you can communicate better because you want a better relationship with him and you want to do well in school.

That sort of thing can be hard to say because it can feel as if you're taking the blame for everything. But you're not. You're taking the responsibility for yourself, without getting his hackles up by criticizing him. In time, a good therapist can teach you how to approach your dad and ask him to join you in some counseling session.

I wish you the best of luck and hope you will come back and tell us how things are going. I'm sure other posters here at PscyhCentral have had these difficult relationships with parents they had to depend on for care. I hope they will share their stories and tell how they got help.

[jimmy rich]

Originally Posted by Katz224

Problem is our relationship has been going severely downhill since the middle of high school when I was applying for college. ---- He'd get mad and say I wasn't concentrating or that I was being stupid. During one argument he even went so far as to say I didn't deserve to go to college.

Hi Katz: Whew! that sounds like the way some (angry) parents treat their kids when teaching the kid to DRIVE a car! My dad was an IMPATIENT guy and I hated even being near him - especially if I needed his help!

But it got worse in college. I would inevitably screw up on not planning my schedule with him or turning in housing forms later then he liked. But most of the time when we get into a fight it's over the stupidest stuff, like me giving him the wrong information or not making sense when I say something or making him "ask 20 questions" to get answers out of me.

I wonder if he is having Caregiver Exhaustion (I made that up)? Maybe he need a Caregiver's support group.

This doesn't happen all of the time but I guess a large argument might happen at least once every 2 months if not every month. I know I'm partly to blame for the conflict, but I also feel absolutely terrified and paranoid of screwing up and upsetting him. It's to the point that doing almost any kind of work makes me feel sick to do and that I avoid doing things because I'm afraid of getting in trouble.

Something is seriously wrong there and, having to be afraid of one's parent, like I always was, will created Post Traumatic Stress condition in you - his defenseless victim.

I also hide a lot more from him now I don't trust telling him. If I say I am sad about stuff he sympathizes at the time but then uses it against me in an argument saying I'm being self centered and thinking to much about my ego. Or I will say how I love a movie or tv show and he turns it around in an argument so that X show is the cause of me procrastinating or not doing my work. He may be right but it seems a little convenient to say one thing caused me to procrastinate and anyways now I feel like I have to hide any interests that aren't purely academic or that I know he'll approve of.

OMG, he seems SADISTIC to me! He either has deep, painful and unhealed issues inside of him that he lets out on you or he has some kind of "disorder" (to be kind about it). Does your mother ever defend you from him?

To give you all some more background, my mom has ADHD and depression and my dad has a lot of health issues like diabetes and insomnia that makes it so he is sick and feels unwell a lot. When he argues with someone it really screws him up big time, like screwing up his sleep schedule, giving him a bad cold for a month, and sometimes making him feel like he'll have a heart attack. Also my parents have fought a lot in the past but their relationship seems to be better recently.

Well, any or all of that could cause him to be so sadistic with you but it's still no excuse, IMO.

I love my dad a lot and get really upset when I hurt him (through arguments).

I wonder if he is EVER upset when he huts you?

He's actually my best friend when we're not fighting and says things praising me then.

Ok, that seems better than the picture you painted of him at the beginning!

I used to never actively fight back in arguments (I wasn't trying to argue and felt bad for messing up- he would still think I'm arguing though).

LOL most parents will not put up with their subordinate kids expressing their opinions!

But lately he keeps saying stuff like comparing me to my mom ( in a negative way) or saying I'm evil for hurting him, and that I don't care about him. This pushes me over the edge to where I really DO want to fight with him and I'll yell back. But of course he always wins because eventually I'm afraid of him being so mad and me not being able to move well. You just don't want to risk pushing people past a certain point.

Yes, especially when you are their HELPLESS prisoner and they have some kind of SICK need to hurt you. My dad was the most dangerous, unpredictable and menacing person alive and I was DEATHLY afraid of him. He was SADISTIC! Does his wife EVER come to your defense???

I always regret it when I do sometimes argue back ( on purpose) but I do it because I'm feeling more and more trapped and helpless. What he says to me (true or not I don't know ) hurts to hear and I don't know how to stop messing up.

Even if you "mess up" I see no excuse for his abuse of you OR for his wife to FAIL to protect you from him. IMO, both of your parents are inadequate - to be kind about it!

It's at the point that I feel less and less interested in academic things I think maybe because I'm afraid of failing and I'm worried he's right about me being stupid or crazy. I DO forget things really easily like names and dates and I also do mix up what I want to say a lot.

He is BRAIN WASHING YOU about the "stupid & crazy" crap! He is TORTURING you because something is eating at his insides and he is venting it out on you - a defenseless target for his unhappiness PLUS you are getting NO help from the other adult in you home!

Is there something wrong with me?

I don't know but let's say there is - that is still NO EXCUSE for your sadistic dad and his spineless wife to TORTURE you this way!

Do I have a mental problem like my mom?

Do you honestly believe that a "mental problem" is an excuse for you mother to stand by an watch her SADISTIC husband TORTURE you?

Or is my dad wrong in saying these things?

I might be over-reacting to your story because of my own sadistic dad, but I believe he is BEYOND WRONG. However, if you are comfortable and happy with how he tortures you, so be it.

I think he is trying to prepare me for dealing with all the problems I will need to in the adult world, but I'm worried that it's making it more hard for me to deal with things because the more he gives up on me in his arguments the more I feel less capable and just want to run away from problems.

I'd leave those two pathetic idiots in a hear-beat but it's your life so,
good luck,
jim
P.S. I spent a lot of time on this because it takes me right back to the horrible way my parents - the sadistic bully and his spineless, enabling wife - treated me as a defenseless, vulnerable child so I might have over done it. If I was offensive or out of line - please have someone remove my post!