[Cicero2008]

I have a complicated romantic relationship. She hates the labels "boyfriend" and "girlfriend", so I hesitate to call us that, but in society's eyes, I imagine that's how we'd be classified.

Anyway, it's complicated for a whole host of reasons, so this'll be a bit long, but I'll try to focus on the most important items.

It's a very long distance relationship--we live on different continents. She doesn't really want to visit the U.S., where I live. It doesn't really interest her, and the process perturbs her. In order to visit, she would need a tourist visa. One part of the visa approval process is an appointment/interview. She would have to pay a fee just to have the appointment. If they deny her, she then has to pay again in order to try again. The appointment would also be in another city, so she would incur travel expenses and of course have to devote some time to the process. Since she lacks a full-time job and her own property, she thinks a denial is inevitable. However, she says she's willing to apply for the visa and try to visit her because she knows it's important to me (which I've said).

She says she loves me, but getting her to apply for a visa felt like pulling teeth. Moreover, I visited recently in the hopes of helping her with the process. I was unable to do so because she had yet to acquire her passport. She had ordered it, but hadn't paid for it--her mom was supposed to and finally did so right before I left.

Conversely, she is sexually frustrated with me. She's said before that I'm "selfish". After a longer talk, however, she's admitted that no one turns her on like I do. It's just that I don't do a good enough job of satisfying during sex and after I've finished (as I normally do first). This is largely due to my inexperience.

There are various small things we do that bother each other--she's sensitive about her weight and her hair, I slurp my coffee, that sort of thing. But despite all these things (the little and the big), we agreed we want to marry each other. I bought her a "pre-engagement" ring. Basically, a ring that stands for our commitment to making the relationship work, with the promise of one day properly getting engaged and married.

Sunday, not even a week after I was gone, she got a tattoo. This is her first tattoo. We've talked before, and very recently, that I don't like tattoos. I don't and didn't want her to get one. However, I've freely admitted that it's not really my decision--it's her body, her time, her money (though her sister actually paid for this one). She wants to get at least two more, and they bother me more because of where they would be located and how big they would be.

If the relationship is to work, there are many things I would have to change. I would have to quit some bad habits, the slurping and the occasional nail-biting come to mind. I would have to be less selfish in the bedroom. I would have to finish learning the language of her country. I would likely have to relocate to her country--which would involve me possibly getting a new job, definitely getting a new car and house, and being thousands of miles from my family. I would likely have to change much of my wardrobe and/or learn how to iron (she doesn't like how my clothes get so wrinkled).

When I visit, she does sacrifice her time, her money, and sometimes takes a pay cut at work due to missed time. She's passed on taking a few exams because I've been there as well--even though I've tried to allow her the time to study.

Overall, though, as I look ahead to the future, to all the changes that may come, I feel like I'm doing my best to put her needs before my own, but also don't really feel like she's doing the same.

I do love her, and she says she loves me. I want this relationship to work, but I don't want to be walked on. What can I do to ease my reservations about the future of this relationship? What might I be able to do to better insure it lasts?

[ChipperMonkey]

I guess I don't understand what the big draw is with this woman? You'd have to essentially give up your whole life in order to be with her AND change a lot about yourself. She doesn't love you and accept you for who you are. She can't even be bothered to get a tourist visa so that she can come and see you?

I honestly don't get it. Relationships are supposed to be give and take. This one is not. You're not the first guy I've seen posting within the last day about giving in to his woman's every whim. Yeah, it sounds great, give her what she wants so that she's happy and wants to be with you, but honestly that's not exactly a recipe for long term success when one party is selfish and taking and the other is giving to a fault.

[Cicero2008]

Originally Posted by ChipperMonkey

I guess I don't understand what the big draw is with this woman? You'd have to essentially give up your whole life in order to be with her AND change a lot about yourself. She doesn't love you and accept you for who you are. She can't even be bothered to get a tourist visa so that she can come and see you?

The big draw is that she accepts me for who I am as a person--and I can be pretty annoying. She may question some of my wardrobe and complain about a bad habit here and there, true, but she tolerates some of my worst traits.

She's smart and beautiful. She thinks I'm attractive, especially in the eyes. We share multiple interests. We know what the other is thinking most of the time. We make each other laugh and we're both clumsy. We complement each other in some ways, like when it comes to planning. She's a bit spontaneous, which is exciting and fun (albeit sometimes confusing). I like to plan things in advance, which helps give her focus. She's kind to animals. She's incredibly patient. She's a good cook. She has a couple of obsessions that are downright adorable. She's helped me start to overcome reservations I've had--all of my sexual experiences before her were against my will.

I don't actually have to change a lot about myself. For example, she never actually said I had to stop slurping coffee--she's accepted that's part of my nature. I just know it bothers her and will try to limit it myself. The relocation thing isn't definitive--she's gone back and forth on where she'd be willing to live.

She's lived a life where she's had to sacrifice a lot, particularly when it comes to her family. Her father wouldn't let her play sports. Her parents wouldn't let her be an engineer. Being the eldest, she often had to take care of her siblings. Her family members often take/use things of hers without asking, nor do they return them. She has friends, but pretty much only through school and a hobby, and they're fun, but they don't really treat her that well. She's essentially lived give without take.

I do think that, looking ahead, I am giving more than she is. Hence the thread, and the call for help. Should I draw a line in the sand regarding more tattoos? Should I force her to make a decision about where she'd want to live? Are there ways I can broach this subject without it seeming like an attack?

As to the second question, it's not so much that she can't be bothered to get the visa. She's agreed to try, agreed to go through the effort. She has a fear of banks (something I've witnessed), which is why she wanted her mom to handle the transaction for her. It's just that she has it almost set in her mind that she won't pass. She's a bit of a pessimist like that sometimes. I've seen her have the same problem with a subject she's studying or working with someone at her job. She definitely struggles with adversity, whatever form it takes.

[hvert]

What are you doing that makes you feel like you are giving more than she is in this relationship? Is it just that you have visited her and she hasn't visited you yet?

I had a long-distance/different continent relationship. The biggest barrier to success, imo, is not living in the same place. It's too hard to really get to know someone when all you have are visits that last a few months, weeks, or days. The visits are a lot of fun, the time apart is filled with longing, and it's hard to spot the incompatibilities.

If it is easier for you to relocate temporarily than it is for her, I would go for it, even if you are 'giving' more than her. You never know where life will take you. The boyfriend I broke up with in part because he was unwilling to relocate moved to the US a year or two later - he's still here and it's been fifteen years.

I am not sure why you would draw a line in the sand about the tattoos if she is getting them done to herself and not you.

[jimmy rich]

Originally Posted by Cicero2008

Conversely, she is sexually frustrated with me. She's said before that I'm "selfish". After a longer talk, however, she's admitted that no one turns her on like I do. It's just that I don't do a good enough job of satisfying during sex and after I've finished (as I normally do first). This is largely due to my inexperience.

Hi: I was never all that good at sex and so I finally learned a few things from books and then my best teacher was watching porn stars making love. I'd recommend porn as a fantastic teaching tool for limited guys like I used to be - especially Lesbian porn, if you want to learn what "things" get females off!

There are various small things we do that bother each other--she's sensitive about her weight and her hair, I slurp my coffee, that sort of thing. But despite all these things (the little and the big), we agreed we want to marry each other.

IMO, small irritations can eventually wreck a relationship UNLESS the partners learn and use some good relationship skills to either change or tolerate each others peculiarities. My wedding vows say to love each other for better or for worse and relationship skills teach us to either FIX our peculiarities or happily LIVE WITH them.

Sunday, not even a week after I was gone, she got a tattoo. This is her first tattoo. We've talked before, and very recently, that I don't like tattoos. I don't and didn't want her to get one. However, I've freely admitted that it's not really my decision--it's her body, her time, her money (though her sister actually paid for this one). She wants to get at least two more, and they bother me more because of where they would be located and how big they would be.

Looks like your relationship is already DOOMED!

If the relationship is to work, there are many things I would have to change. I would have to quit some bad habits, the slurping and the occasional nail-biting come to mind. I would have to be less selfish in the bedroom. I would have to finish learning the language of her country. I would likely have to relocate to her country--which would involve me possibly getting a new job, definitely getting a new car and house, and being thousands of miles from my family. I would likely have to change much of my wardrobe and/or learn how to iron (she doesn't like how my clothes get so wrinkled).

For me, the reason people fall in love and choose to be married or together forever is because they can find NO FAULTS with the other person and accepts that other person JUST AS THEY ARE - RIGHT NOW. If there is some agenda to change or fix the other person, they may as well move on and find someone they do love and accept JUST AS THEY ARE. You might succeed in changing or improving some of those things you mentioned BUT more and more faults and failings will be found as you both become less and less thrilled with each other - and the Honey Moon is over!.

Overall, though, as I look ahead to the future, to all the changes that may come, I feel like I'm doing my best to put her needs before my own, but also don't really feel like she's doing the same.

That is Codependency and it will kill any relationship where one partner bends over backward and sacrifices them self to the exclusive needs and desires of the other partner. Look up Codependency on line or at this website.

I do love her, and she says she loves me. I want this relationship to work, but I don't want to be walked on. What can I do to ease my reservations about the future of this relationship? What might I be able to do to better insure it lasts?

I'd google: relationship tips and get started learning how to make a relationship work. Both of you will have to study and USE the information you find on line, in books or from a counselor. Most people's relationships FAIL because they simply do not know how to make it work and were never taught how in their family!
good luck learning how to do sex well and make a relationship work,
jim