[mkat16]

Hi I have been jealous and mistrusting of people since I was a child, I think it came from my parents who were separated and very bitter and always telling me lies to get me on their side. Because of this I think I always distrusted people. Also because I never liked my family life I was always jealous of other people because I saw them as having better family or life in general(I know everyone has difficulties but in my child's mind this is how I saw it and now rationalise it but still have the emotions). I am in counselling as I suffer from anxiety and depression and it is often triggered by my jealousy and lack of trust. I am with a great guy for a few years, he is supportive and speaks openly about our future together. I know at my core that I can trust him but it is still hard, and I have often cause issues over my jealousy etc. A girl moved back recently who he used to work with and I know fancied him. He contacted her about meeting up, and now this is all I can think about. He is a very social person and likes everyone as he says there's no benefit in holding onto bad feelings towards people(he had an issue with her as she stole money in work), but as I can be quite bitter towards people it's hard for me to understand this and I often convince myself that it is because he is obsessed with her(or whoever at the time). I was better for a while but this sparked old insecurities, and now I've been tempted to go back to old habits like checking what he's doing all the time or not giving him space. I am trying to not be bothered by it but I'm also worried that he could keep things from me about her because he knows what I have been like in the past about similar things. I just want to let go of this jealousy and anger that is triggered by this and be happy. I don't want to just obsess and worry if he's out without me. I should also say again that I have always been like this with everyone so I think it's more stuff I need to learn to change(just don't know how), rather than underlying issues in the relationship(cause I know people may say that). I also just want to like and trust people more in general for the sake of being a happier person!

[Travelinglady]

Hi, mkat16, and welcome to Psych Central! I suspect the best way to try to learn to cope with these feelings is in your therapy sessions, since these issues are long-standing.

[healingme4me]

I tried this letting it all go perspective, in marriage. It only resulted in stuffing it all down, and being a doormat.
I've said since. If I cannot be honest, then I'm only holding it in, and we aren't growing.
Even those, you'd not suspect of jealous feelings, will have them. Might come out, as just one lone comment, but eliminating the emotion, doesn't seem evidentiary possible.
I'd be leary that he's not trying to take advantage of your trying so hard to become someone who is working on trust skills and learning to be mindful of jealousy.
What does your T say about your bf's need to contact this woman?

[lilypup]

Yep, I'm not saying he has any bad intentions, but he should be sensitive to your feelings. I don't get why he is contacting her anyway, knowing that she liked him and her history of stealing money.
I would see about getting him in with your T and going over this for a session. I would suggest NOT starting to check his phone as this just leads to a lot of other trouble. Good luck!

[jimmy rich]

Originally Posted by mkat16

Hi I have been jealous and mistrusting of people since I was a child, I think it came from my parents who were separated and very bitter and always telling me lies to get me on their side. Because of this I think I always distrusted people.

You've got that right. Jealousy comes from inadequacy and bad self esteem which comes from inadequate and emotionally damaging parents/parenting. It all comes from fear but some parents are more fearful and disturbed than others so you have ended up with terrible insecurity and JEALOUSY thanks to faulty parenting.

and I have often cause issues over my jealousy etc.

IMO, the insecurity which causes jealousy has to be confronted and ELIMINATED as best we can or you will never be happy no matter what.

I just want to let go of this jealousy and anger that is triggered by this and be happy. I don't want to just obsess and worry if he's out without me. I should also say again that I have always been like this with everyone so I think it's more stuff I need to learn to change(just don't know how),

That is the same problem most people have - they just don't know how! I dealt with my insecurities and jealousy by getting to work on my Self esteem and self worth in any way that I could. I went to workshops, support groups, read many books, listened to tapes and now we have all of these internet resources so google: self esteem, self respect and get started FIXING yours before your insecurities wreck everything. Did you say you have a therapist? Then ask your therapist to help you fix it. Another thing that can overcome bad self esteem is a Spiritual Awakening so look into some Spiritual stuff.
good luck