[MissBelle00]

This will, as usual, be long...

I have a miniature schnauzer, almost 5yrs old. I saw this dog being born - my best friend has his mother, and he gave me the puppy a couple weeks after he was born.
At the time, this dog was my salvation. I was in a very dark place in life, extremely depressed and having suicidal thoughts. I had been forced to move out of my city and away from all my friends and loved ones. There was a time this dog ate better than I did, because I was so depressed, I wouldn't. I threw my entire being to taking care of this dog and raising him right. I taught him to go outside, so he's very well potty-trained. He scratches at the door when he needs to go, and he waits for as long as he needs to, instead of going inside. I taught him tricks, such as sit, paw, lay down, roll over. I spent thousands of dollars in the past five years to make sure he's going to the vet, getting check-ups, and overall in great health.

My obsessive behavior with taking care of my dog stems from my childhood. I had dogs growing up, but my parental figures were extremely irresponsible with them. The dogs never got walked. They peed and pooped all over the house. They were very rarely taken to the vet, and only if there was an emergency (they ate rat poison once). They were never given baths. They didn't even have fleas, they had ticks. Never treated. We had one cocker spaniel and two poodles. The spaniel was confined to staying outside in the pool area, which was NEVER cleaned. The poodles stayed inside. These dogs, I don't think they saw the outside of the house more than twice in their entire lives.

When I grew older enough to realize, on my own, how messed up that situation was, and how selfish and irresponsible my parental figures were, I never wanted to be that way. I was also very emotionally needy, and my dog filled that void for me. I did the best I could, researching and reading books on my own, not having been taught any responsibility growing up.
My dog grew up to be EXTREMELY attached to me. I gave him so much love, so much attention, that I suppose he grew so used to it, that he developed separation anxiety. I crate-trained him because I couldn't leave him alone and free in the house, he'd destroy everything. But when I'm here, he's the calmest dog ever. When I'm here, he NEEDS to be with me - laying next to me, touching me, or laying on TOP of me.
He is also a barker - he barks a lot, and loudly. I tried everything I could to train him to stop, but I suppose I'm not a professional, I did only the best I could. I took him to training classes and even the trainer was unable to train him to stop barking.

Well, then enters my boyfriend. In the beginning of our relationship, it was great. My boyfriend loves animals. He'd play with my dog and they'd have a lot of fun together for a long time. I would only say something if they played too rough and my dog yelped.
Eventually we started living together, and it was still fine. But slowly, my boyfriend started taking upon himself the responsibility to "train" my dog to what HE thought my dog should be. He started feeling really bothered by my dog's neediness to be with me all the time. He said it was unhealthy and we needed to not be so close anymore.
I respected my boyfriend's wishes and stopped sleeping with my dog on the bed. I trained my dog, successfully, to sleep on his own bed, but it had to be right next to my bed, on my side.
But it wasn't enough, you know?

Slowly my boyfriend stopped playing my with dog. He would get upset if my dog wanted to sit or lay down next to me. My dog also likes to follow me around the house, wherever I go. Sometimes he gets in the way and we end up accidentally kicking or stepping on him. My boyfriend would get mad at that, and try to kick my dog away. He started trying to keep my dog away from me whenever we were just sitting in the living room, playing video games or something. He'd push him to the dining room and keep him there, away from me.
Whenever kept away from us, my dog would just lay and stare at us. This also really bothered my boyfriend. So my boyfriend started grabbing my dog and forcing him to look at a wall instead. This really hurt me, because I don't like seeing my dog lay there staring at a wall.

All of this "training", he took it upon himself, without being asked. I never saw anything wrong with my dog or my relationship with my dog, but I let him and tried to help him because I thought that's what would make him happy. I thought to myself, if he sees a problem, we can both work together to try to fix it.
But it wasn't enough.

I told my boyfriend my childhood history and my history with my dog. I tried being really open with him, and I told him I did the best I could to train my dog. I'm sorry I wasn't perfect and my dog still ended up with problems. He says he understands this, but he doesn't show it, because he still treats this situation like I don't know how to train my dog.
He's told me he thinks my dog is weak and whiny and clingy. He's told me there are a lot of things about my dog he STRONGLY dislikes.
We started having more and more arguments about my dog. Sometimes he would hit my dog and make him yelp. I would go ballistic. Imagine your partner hitting your child? How would you feel?
I am extremely protective over my dog and my dog is very protective of me too. Whenever my boyfriend would try playing around with me, my dog would be right up on us, barking and either trying to be part of the fun, or trying to "defend" me. This would make my boyfriend really mad.

We started having problems sexually, and my boyfriend told me it was because he was depressed - and the two main reasons he was depressed, he told me, was 1. because we couldn't communicate, and 2. because of the situation with my dog.

Nowadays, my boyfriend walks around the house acting as if the dog isn't even there. He doesn't play with him, doesn't walk him anymore, doesn't give him any attention. He acts like he hates the dog.

We've had so many talks about this. He says he doesn't dislike my dog, he dislikes things ABOUT my dog. But I don't see a difference?
I agreed that there's a lot I need to work on and improve. I get that my dog has separation anxiety, and that he's loud, and clingy, and needy. I also get that my dog gets bored and needs to find a way to entertain himself, instead of relying on us all the time. I want to work on those things.
But it's either one extreme or the other with my boyfriend. When he took it upon himself to "train" my dog, it had to be HIS way, and if it wasn't HIS way, he'd get really mad - and depressed as a result. But when I told him I'd like to try training him a different way (one that doesn't involve hitting the dog or making the dog stare at walls, maybe), he went completely hands-off, told me it was solely MY responsibility, and started ignoring the dog is even there.

I don't know what else to do, because this situation is so extremely frustrating, I feel like my boyfriend doesn't have a good hold of his own feelings, and I don't know how to make him see what he's doing wrong.

[MissBelle00]

I also get really upset and hurt when I see how well my boyfriend treats other animals. His sister has a cat, which has its own myriad of problems, but my boyfriend doesn't see those or try to give his opinion on how to fix them, you know? When we go over, he plays with the cat, hugs her, kisses her, and is overall very interested in the animal.
But he can't do the same with my dog.

I get hurt and really angry, and I don't think he even understands.

[Middlemarcher]

He kicks and hits your dog, and you have to tell him that that is wrong to do?

[MissBelle00]

Originally Posted by Middlemarcher

He kicks and hits your dog, and you have to tell him that that is wrong to do?

He doesn't mean to hurt him.
My dog has this chronic ear infection that I have to constantly treat. Sometimes when my boyfriend would try grabbing him, he'd accidentally grab his tender ear. What I had to tell him is that he needs to be more gentle with the dog.

"Kicking" is an expression. "He'd try to kick my dog away" is used in the same sense as if someone said "You should kick your lazy boyfriend out of your house" - you are not literally kicking.

For the hitting, it's the kind of "hitting" a lot of people do to their dogs because they think it's "training" - a flick to the nose, a pat on the bum. I don't agree with it because I know it's not good training, but a lot of people don't. That's how his parents raised and trained their dogs, so that's what he believes is necessary to train a dog.
But the same is up to debate when it comes to children - some people think spanking your child from time to time is alright, and a lot of people do it, but a lot of people also don't think hitting a child at ALL is the way to go.

Most people you ask have received a slap on the butt or two growing up. Do you automatically consider that abuse?

[~Christina]

Missbelle ,

I have followed every thread you have posted about your relationship with your boyfriend , really I have .

You two have so many issues across the board on every possible level.

Yes he just started going to therapy and that is wonderful and much much needed .

If I remember correctly he has parents near by ? I know finacially you are unable to pay for your apartment alone .. That is a huge problem .. Would it not be possible for him to move back to his parents yet still help you pay for the apartment ? allowing both of you some space to regroup and allow you both some time to emotionally take a break. If he really is wanting your relationship to work as much as you do then he should be doing anything possible to make that happen , even making a temporary move.

The tone of all of your posts really shine through that this relationship is really in shambles .. yes you really want to make this work and you say he does also .. But he cant even seem to deal with your dog that you raised and love beyond words .. Seems like emotions are just so Raw and its impossible to make compromises that will actually stick and work long term right now .

Based off your posts unless something undergoes a major change very soon the resentment is just going to continue and there will come a point of no return and the relationship is just lost.

I am an animal lover big time .. there is no way I could tolerate anyone treating my furry friend in such a manner .... Even that would be a deal breaker for me, yes I love my dog that much .

I hope you are somehow able to find some peace, and soon.

[waiting4]

sorry but I would be more than tempted to literally kick your bf to the curb. Anyone who treats my dog like that, is jealous, manipulative and cruel.

He goes out with the trash.

[hannabee]

AGREE AGREE AGREE Your BF is an ******* and you are looking like one as well. How could you let him treat your dog that way??? That's JUST RIDICULOUS!!! I am very angry with HIM AND YOU. You don't deserve a dog!!!

[guilloche]

I'm having some trouble following what's going on... because first you say that he kicks/hits your dog, then you minimize it by saying "kicks the dog" is an expression, like "kicking someone out of the house".

Your initial post raised red flags for me. It sounds like your boyfriend is controlling, and violent towards your dog. I don't know you in real life, so it's hard to tell... all I have to go on is what you've said, but if that's true, please get out now.

Don't dump the dog for a boyfriend that may only become more controlling and violent! Keep the dog, find a new boyfriend - who loves you and your pup!

[Silent Void]

Get rid of the boyfriend.

[healingme4me]

Sometimes accidents are passive aggressive maneuvers, sometimes accidents are just accidents. (RE: accidentally kicks/steps on dog)
It's bizarre, that he has the dog face the wall? Just me, perhaps? I remember a couple where the husband asked the wife to take the discussion in the other room, because the dog might hear. (My parents) ..
I'm going on the NPD perspective here. Perhaps your bf struggles with NPD? Though he did just start therapy. Something to consider.
Hope puppy is ok?

[SnakeCharmer]

Dear MissBelle,

Just like Christina, I have read all your posts in various threads. I know you have a complicated problem with a boyfriend who's having sex problems and his sexual behavior has upset you. I know you are broke and that you gave him practically your last dollar to pay for therapy.

You haven't been together long. You're young. He's problems existed before he met you. You didn't cause his problems and you can't fix them. With each new revelation, I worry more and more about your well-being.

So much has happened in this short relationship that seems to be damaging to your sense of self, self-esteem and self-image. If I recall correctly, you hope to start counseling for yourself when the school year starts again. Is that correct? I hope that comes about.

Now ... this information about the way your boyfriend has treated your much beloved dog and how he has criticized you and criticized the dog for loving you and depending on you. (I've had dependent dogs before. We adored and depended on each other. If other people thought it was strange, that was their problem, not mine.)

Until you revealed what's happening with the dog, I was thinking ... well, if you both do therapy maybe you can save this relationship, although it seems to be dramatic and traumatic and full of problems. If you wanted to make it work, more power to you.

But ... a partner who's jealous of a beloved pet and who makes a big deal out of it, that really bothers me. Okay, I get the part about not wanting the dog in bed (although my dogs have always slept with me and my H.) Some people just don't like that. You accommodated your boyfriend. But that wasn't enough for him.

To me, it sounds as if he'd trying to separate you from something you love very much and that loves you back. Combined with his sexual rejection ... my god ... I really am worried about you and your well-being. It's as if he's isolating you from love and caring. That's just not right!

I know you're broke. But please do everything you can to get out of this relationship before you lose your sense of self, your dog and the ability to hold your head up. Your boyfriend has way too many problems.

Being in this kind of relationship for any length of time can be devastating to a woman's self-image. You may have to do some intensive soul-searching with the help of a therapist in order to ensure you understand yourself well enough that you don't end up in another dysfunctional relationship like this one.

I know you love the guy. But please go back and look at what you've written about the relationship. It's not working. Not working for you or him. I don't know what his game his, but it's definitely not worth investing any more of your time to find out.

Take Care. You will be in my thoughts every single day.

[hannabee]

Thank you to everyone else who responded so eloquently, I'm sorry I just couldn't muster it. OP I apologize, kind of....you really need to rethink your choices.

[lizardlady]

MissBelle, unlike some others I have not read all your posts about your relationship. Please excuse me if I missed something said elsewhere.

Your original post raised some concerns for me. Your boyfriend's controlling behavior toward your dog (make him look at the wall!?!?) concerns me. It leads me to worry about him trying to control you.Ditto him hitting your dog. Many of the things you mention sound like early stages of abuse. Please be careful.

[Yoda]

Originally Posted by SnakeCharmer

He's problems existed before he met you. You didn't cause his problems and you can't fix them.

This pretty much sums it up.

The relationship is not healthy and you can't make it so.

[sideblinded]

I lost my beloved mini-schnauzer of 9 years a year ago to illness. My mini-S was a rescue and also was very attached to me and I to him. Nothing and no-one could have come between us. I took him on and I was going to see to it that he had a great life with me.

Imagine if this was a child? I agree with all who say that you need to look at this situation and consider getting healthier friends. Your dog is not the problem. Your BF is. Please don't give up your furry buddy. I know schnauzers and they are barkers and they are very loyal. Your dog is being a dog. He is not causing your problems.

The BF should be kicked to the curb and made to stare at a wall. Sorry, I too hate mistreatment of animals.

I do wish you the best. I really do.

[MissBelle00]

I do thank everybody for the responses given.
I appreciate the eloquent ones, one of them was very hurtful... I do feel I deserve my dog, thank you very much...

Before I reply in more detail to you guys, I really want to give you all some more information.

First - No, I would NEVER get rid of my dog. I didn't think I gave that impression at all.

I had another conversation with my boyfriend today, about this. I'm trying to relate what he said as best as possible, while keeping it short. Also, I'm trying really hard to not be biased - I'm typing down just what he said, not changing it in any way.

In short, he said he does like my dog (Shiloh, btw), he wants to see my dog happy. Unfortunately what has happened for a long time is that Shiloh has such bad anxiety, that we have no choice but to leave him in his crate for hours on end while we have to be out working, or going to school, or something. It's not healthy for the dog. So my boyfriend says he hates seeing the dog crated for so long. On bad days, it could be up to 12 hours, because we go to school and work. He doesn't like it, I don't like it. He says my dog can't be happy unless I'm here. And that's unhealthy. He said he was trying hard the only ways he knew how to try to train the dog to stop liking me so much, so that he could be happy and anxiety-free when we're NOT home.
We did start trying to keep Shiloh out of his cage (this involves shutting all doors to rooms, bathroom, keeping trash cans on top of counters, etc, so he doesn't get to them), but even then, all the dog does is stare out the window and howl. And then go lay down and sleep until we get back home. He's miserable when we're not here. So this anxiety problem DOES need addressing.
He said he gets really angry because he thinks I have no consistency with training the dog. That I'd try a new method for a week, and give up on it. (I do agree I have a problem being consistent. It's probably due to being comfortable in the situation. I did try to change several times, read articles and forums online, come up with new ideas. I'm still working on it.)
So he said he's just been trying to be hands off because he doesn't think I'm trying hard enough. He was just waiting to see what I'd do. Etc.

Ok, so that's what he said. I did reply, unfortunately this leads to other problems as well, such as the lack of communication we've already been having and how that affects us. In short, I told him it's hard to keep consistent when he doesn't show much positivity or excitement about me doing something right. And that I've also been depressed.

We've been writing notes to each other on the computer and passing it to the other because we feel we communicate better that way.
Because it has come to this, I will share with you guys the last thing he wrote to me; I feel like I've been sucking at properly explaining this entire situation, so reading his own words might make some more sense.

Trying to help you? I did try to help you. I do try to help you. I don't know if you realize just how much help from me you turn away. I do want to help but when you pose such a strong argument and fight against me, that's when I have troubles helping you. Things don't "HAVE" to go my way. Of course every single person out there would like for things to go their way. I have a way I think is really good but I know I don't know everything about everything. Sometimes I might come across that way but it's just that sometimes I know more than people I'm dealing with. I'm not talking about situations between you and me. I really try to share all the information I have with you. I try for both of us to be strong thinkers. I do come across that way very strongly with other people. I do try to treat you better than I treat other people.
I did look up the definition of a hypocrite and I guess I am one. I didn't think I was one because I never denied that the problems other people have I don't have. I can call other people lazy but I know I am lazy. I can call other people irresponsible with their money but I know I am irresponsible with my money. I know what it takes to be succcessful. No I don't do those things and I haven't denied it. I admit to it. Yes I do call other people out on it but I am guilty of the same things I criticise others for. I know what it takes but I don't give it either.
I get mad because we are at a point now that I tried so hard to avoid. That goes for the relationship between you and I and Shiloh. So much I tried to fix things way back when. I guess I saw an ends I wanted and I saw a means to get there. Maybe I believed in it too much. Maybe my methods were too strong. I know what I want to get to and a way to get there. I have had a recurring problem of making things more difficult than what they should be. I think too much; I do sometimes feel like I have everything figured out. Other times I feel like I might not have everything figured out but I have the best plan on getting where we want to go. I wanted a partner I could figure out all of this with; discuss this. Look at the means and weather they are worth it; look at the way to get there and test all of the possibilities, affects, effects, outcomes, extended outcomes, extended affects and effects - think about everything I think about and more. It seems like it's always a fight with you. I feel like sometimes when I want to go on these thought journeys with you that I am fighting you. You tell me I'm wrong and tell me why I'm wrong so quickly. I take in so much information and I handle so much information. You tell me I'm wrong before you have heard all of my information. I don't know Belle. I know you are smart but for some reason we can't get on the same page. I don't know why. It hurts me. I don't feel like I can get into you mentally. I want to share myself and my thoughts and everything about me but it's like as soon as I start sharing I hit a wall. It's so hard for me to explain. I have yet to get it into words. I feel trapped inside myself because I don't feel like I can share things. I am hurting so much inside myself. I am truly sorry for the things I have done to you and to Shiloh.

My boyfriend does have a lot of problems, and a lot of problems before he even met me. I agree. He is confused and he does things wrong, like every other human being does; but he is NOT an abuser.
I am 100% sure of this.

Thank you once again for taking the time to read.

[sideblinded]

I am not here to cause you discord. I am just trying to make a few comments. I don't mean to be so hard on your BF. Only you know the whole situation so please excuse my comments if they sound harsh. I don't mean to be harsh at all.

The Schnauzer breed is high strung by nature, tend to be barky, very loyal, attentive, protective and many can have anxiety due to being away from their person. My schnauzer had separation anxiety when I was away. They tend to be right behind your every step and really dislike being far from those they love. You mentioned that you can train your dog to not like you as much. That is a huge farce. You can't take your dog's anxiety away by distancing yourself from the dog. That will make it much worse. What Shiloh wants is to feel more connected to you as you can't change your dog's love for you. They are much happier when they are close to their loved one.

I feel if you think that you can change your dog's behavior by making him not like you is most certainly going against nature and this will just cause more harm. Take this with a grain of salt but in my experience with this breed, you have a little soul who will worship the ground you walk on so please accept this.

Take care

[blur]

you know, i think there is too much talk in your relationship and not enough action. anyone who would force a dog to stare at a wall is being abusive in my book. i also really don't like the way you are now minimizing the kicking and hitting. if your dog has separation anxiety then deal with that--not by trying to get the dog to dislike you. frankly, this does sound abusive to the dog to me, and i am having a hard time understanding how you just stood by and allowed it. this is your dog and you alone get to determine how he is disciplined. less talk and more action missbelle! if someone tried to force my dog to stare at anything they would be staring at the curb.

[Ananyawill]

if your boy friend doesnt love your dog and if he hits your dog, then get rid of your bf

[Raindropvampire]

Miss Belle do you have any neighbors that would want your dog to keep them company while you're gone? Are there any nursing homes around you that allow pets to visit? Here I know of two senior centers and 4 nursing homes that basically run a free pet daycare. You drop your pet off and he/she gets to visit with their residents. They are on a first come first serve basis. But they have found it's very beneficial to the seniors involved and in the case of a pup like your's that has such separation anxiety I'm sure he would benefit too.

If none already offer a program like this you could ask around and see if any places near you would be willing to start such a program. It sounds like your pup having someone to keep him busy while you're gone would help alleviate a lot of stress right now. Hugs and good luck to you.

Also for what it's worth tell your BF that he's making the same mistake I did. By separating the dog from you he's basically making Shiloh's worst fear come true. It only will make the anxiety worse. My mom's dog clings to me like a leech. Irritates the poop outta me. The more she senses that I'm irritated the more nervous she becomes the more she clings vicious cycle. If I put her in the garage to get some peace she just whines and mopes. The next time she sees me it's 1000% worse. I got her chew toys and a busy ball to give her something to do other than cling to me. Also when my GF dumped her chihuahua on us it got a lot better because she had a buddy. She's better but still a stage 3 clinger and if I find a cure I will definitely let you know.