Friend with Depression

I am a woman in my 30s who deals with depression. It's something that I have struggled with since age 16. I have sought treatment, taken medication, go to therapy and have made great changes in my life. I get support from friends but also know that my friends can't be my crutch and I can't be dependent on them all the time. I know depression is hard to cope with and I'm happy about the challenges that I have overcome.

I have a friend who I love dearly. She also has depression but unlike me, she has not been consistent with therapy. I know her therapist has recommended medication which she says she'll talk to her doctor about but never has (it's been months). She also states that she doesn't want to be "dependent" on them. I explained that these things are not habit forming or change your personality, it just helps you with the depression. Besides the fact that it's hurtful when she says these things about medication since I am on it, it's also frustrating.

I want to support her as much as possible but I can only do so much. When she gets into crying fits and says things like "I don't know what's wrong with me" I keep going back to what her therapist and her talk about and medication however she isn't making any of these changes on her own. I see myself a few years ago in her now and I know that the only way change will happen for her is if she makes these changes.

The other day she wanted to talk to me on the phone. I was not in the best place myself and told her I couldn't talk. When I reached out to her a couple days later, she ignored me. I value her friendship and the support she has given me but there are times when I can't talk to her because it feels like we're going around in circles. It's also hard to hear her negativity and about how much she hates herself. We're both close in age, both single and both in depression so it's hard to hear her when she's upset but I want to be there for her.

Advice, please. I start a new job next week and want to have a fresh start in my new place. This doesn't help...

Unfortunately it sounds like you've done all that you can do. I would sit down with her and explain everything to her. Urge her to seek out more care in therapy and with medications. Let her know that you'll be starting a new job and won't be able to be there for her all the time. There is NOTHING wrong in anything you've done so far. As far as I can tell, you've been a great friend to her. However, she needs to put her own fears aside and seek further help for her depression without always turning to you. It isn't fair to you. You have set understandable boundaries, and you should be proud of that. You cannot fix her. And, its not fair for her to expect you to always be there for her, even when you aren't in a good place yourself. If you speak to her and urge her to get further help and she still refuses, you may have to distance yourself from her as this doesn't sound like it would be an equal sort of friendship. Yes, friendship is a give and take sort of thing, but it isn't fair for one friend to simply refuse to seek out help and let it all fall into the lap of the other friend. I know you care deeply about this person, but if she refuses to take care of her own needs, then there's not much else that you can do.

This is really frustrating. I know several people in this situation. They won't get the help they need and spend all their time complaining they have no friends.
I have had MI as bad as most people I know but at least I am doing all I can to get help. Sometimes I think you just have to let these people get miserable enough to seek help.
I REALLY hate it when people make comments about the fact that I am on meds.