[sparkle108]

Hello everyone. I am a first time poster on this forum, 27 years old and female in need of much advice.

Apologies for the length and probably repetition of this thread but really need help from someone who isn't close to me! This issue has technically been bothering me for 12 years and as i've grown up it's getting harder and harder to sort out.

So am just going to lay it out straight and hopefully people can advise or perhaps share, their experiences which may guide me in the right direction.

I have some severe relationship issues with my Dad - and because of an incident which happened over three years ago - pretty much have struggled to contact him in the last three years and haven't seen him at all either. Obviously struggling to decide if I want to rebuild the relationship or just walk away.

How did it start?
So like most stories, my Dad had an affair with our family friend something of which broke up the other family - I was about 12/13. My Mum and Dad, however, stayed together but he was blatantly continuing the relationship - as a kid I remember so many screwed up things like cars burning outside my window, house being covered in mess as well as the lady in question apologising to Mum ungraciously in her nighty and on our doorstep one morning (the bad things I can only think are from the kids of the other family - they didn't like him). Should probably add that their ongoing relationship was also confirmed from me at my High School Prom from my date, who was upset that I couldn't go to the after party at his friends house (this was being held by the son of the same woman, who my Dad was apparently living with at the time) - What can I say when I found out I wasn't that excited about going, thought it might be awkward.

So envitably - they finally separated. Now I can cut through all the money crap between my Mum and Dad at this point of separation - let's just say my Dad didn't really provide any real support for me or my brother, he did at one point, pay for half of the house that we lived in (our family home) though my Mum did not really want to live there anymore and I felt that my Dad only wanted to keep it because of the amount of money he got when they had finally paid of their mortgage (more on that later). My Dad is really money orientated btw - something of which he gets extremely angry and I think obsessive about - it has caused many a scary and violent argument - let's just say that.

So when things finally ended, the next few years followed and my relationship with my Dad fluctuated between seeing him every two weeks till sometimes not seeing him for months. During this time visitation wasn't exactly consistent. I was 15, 16, 17 at the time so growing up and just getting on with things.

After these years, when I was 18, my Mum and Dad, despite the sheer crap that went on between them, were dare I say civil, I went off to Uni and a divorce finally went through (my Dad wanted to remarry this woman - which I should add I was quite pleased about as I liked my Dad with this lady - though should mention that it wasn't till he said he was marrying her that he had finally admitted to me and my brother about actually being with her - it was basically like a secret yet every knew about it - weird).

The divorce was very messy, my Mum and Dad basically split everything half and half which I guess isn't a bad thing with two children over the age of 18, but my brother at this point, who although older, was pretty screwed up and was always a bit of rebellious child so my Mum kind of felt cheated that she'd not only been forced to stay in this house she didn't want before but was also getting no support or real help from my Dad to support him. My brother was extremely depressed, had no job, angry and violent at the world and everybody around him and my Mum basically had to suffer. She didn't want to 'kick him out', something of which my Dad wanted to do. The way that my Dad dealt with this, if anything, was through violence and pretty much verbal and emotional abuse - something of which obviously didn't work and honestly had been going on for years before this - my Brother was basically the complete opposite of my Dad - into sport, computer games and let's just say serious girlfriends. My Dad thought this was abnormal and constantly abused him about his behaviour.

But despite all this, over the next few years, I decided to be responsible and saw my Dad whenever possible and when I went back home after uni, I stayed in touch and saw him every few weeks.

My graduation for University was a bit awkward, I discussed with my Mum and Dad what our options were because I was a little bit uncomfortable with them being in the same room together - they had to sit together basically and didn't trust in them both to keep their mouths shut (cue an Auntie visit a year before where my Dad got really angry and yelled abuse with my Mum following after). I've always got on really well with my Mum so I knew she had to be there and discussed that perhaps my Dad could meet me after and I could have a meal with him. Now, I do appreciate that this might have been hurtful but it was honest. I didn't (and I think they didn't really) trust the both of them to be in the same room together so what could I do?

Either way my Dad was really upset/hurt/angry - not sure if I am being honest what emotion because he never discusses his feelings - and basically didn't talk to me for about 6-9 months. I emailed him explaining the situation and discussed how we could deal with the problem etc but didn't hear back. I pushed and pushed but didn't hear anything - the anger and pot calling kettle black mentality set in here also - it was at this point in my life that I started to get a little bit angry that my Dad was treating me like this when he hasn't exactly been perfect in his life.

I should also probably note that I didn't even get a birthday card that year - something of which deeply upset me.

We did however one random day happen to bump in together and started to talk more and more with the monthly visits occuring whenever I was around.

Unfortunately, though that was ruined by a bit of an incident where my Dad was just out of order. To cut a long story short, my Dad had left some kind of bond of money (linked with our family home) in both his and my Mum's name (stupide mistake on his part). To access this bond he needed to get my Mum to legally sign it over. Now this came at a time where my Mum, who after 10 years of sheer misery, was finally starting to date and find herself. So apart from her feeling a little angry over my Dad giving us no real support as a child, she had no real hesitation in signing it over and was planning to do it (her words were - I would finally get rid of my association with him...).

The fact is, he should have done it through lawyers, kept his children away but didn't. Asked me if I could organise a meeting and sort it out. After speaking to Mum, she agreed and it happened. Started out okay but my after my Mum showed just a little bit of hesitation, he got so angry (to the point where he damaged our table and I had to hold him back) and then basically said to my Mum that he knows where her parents live - something of which has been haunting me for years!

Now my Dad has always been quite hot headed and angry but this night was just so upsetting for me. I basically felt so guilty that I had technically initated these events to happen.

Adding to the guilt, my Dad kind of had already suggested that he needed this money and would go to great lengths to get it in the car journey before. He flat out said that he didn't care if he ended up in prison, which I said would obviously be upsetting for his wife and me and even pulled the - what about your Grandchildren and what they think of you card. At this point, he said it didn't matter because he didn't think he would be around for much longer - his family has lots of illness and drama and had been recently diagnosed with diabetes.

Yes I know, shouldn't have taken him to see my Mum at that point right?

Now I know I shouldn't end a relationship with someone because of money but the way he reacted that night I just can't seem to forgive. He apologised the next day to my Mum through a text to me, but has still not really apologised to me, his daughter, for not only putting me in that posistion, but also for the things he said that night. He really just hasn't got a clue how hurtful he can be and this has been an ongoing trait throughout my emotionally mature life.

Now what I should probably end with is the fact that I find my Dad really hard to get on with and I have always struggled. He's exceptionally angry and threatening - when I haven't spoken to him in a while he's literally threatened me, said that he knows where I live and he will come find me. He's racist and prejudice aswell - in an open way to people around him - which as a person who works in education I find it extremely tackling to deal with. He's basically my polar opposite and because of this persona I find him hard to be around and hard to introduce him to the people I love around me. The fear of embarrassment and shame kicks in and whilst I have spoken to him in the past about this, he seems to ignore my feelings completely and constantly screw up.

What to do?
I guess my real dilemma and what has really brought this feelings into light is the fact that I have met the man of my dreams and we are getting married. I don't really know what to do about inviting my Dad but only know that if I do, I will have the worst day of my life. Constantly worrying about him and my Mum, and concerned that he will embarrass or show me up. He has no family either, so it would just potentially be him and his wife, alongside my Mum and all her family.

He also wouldn't walk me down the aisle and do a speech so would that be just a slap in the face if I invited him?

I really appreciate the time anybody has taken to read this so thank you! Any advice or suggestions what to do would be greatly recieved

If I haven't made something clear just let me know and I will gladly post back to clear things up. Thanks a million in advance!

--

I should also say that my Brother is getting on really well now as well. After the incident, like me, my brother cut contact and has met someone who he is living with independently. I'm a very happy sister!

[healingme4me]

Your wedding day is about you. You probably won't need to field any questions about him, to anyone, on your wedding day.
Do what feels right for you. Many leave others out, for similar reasons. I probably wouldn't rub his nose in it nor flaunt it to him, but who wants to be subjected to potential tears on their happiest days?

[leggiera]

Can you elope?

[hvert]

Wow, your father reminds me a lot of mine.

I would not invite your father to your wedding if you don't want him there. Is there a chance he will find out about it from someone else? Can you ask family members to keep him out?

You didn't end the relationship with your father because of money, btw. It's in trouble because he can't control his behavior around his family or other people. He seriously didn't speak to you for half a year when you asked him to have dinner with you separate from the celebration with your mother? That is absolutely ridiculous.

The stunt he pulled, manipulating you into setting up a meeting with your mother and then going ballistic -- that is also not about money. As we get older, I think we realize that our parents aren't actually infallible.

For me, I often feel like my father showed no interest in supporting us when we were kids -- why should I pretend to care about seeing him now that I am an adult? He only ever thinks about himself - it's what he did when we were kids and it's what he does now. When he had a triple bypass a few years ago, none of his kids visited him in the hospital. Sometimes you really do reap what you sow.

I'm sorry your father is the way he is - and congratulations on your wedding!

[avlady]

yes congradulations and i hope you can go with your gut to tell you if you should invite dad and mom. I think to myself neither should be invited and i do suggest eloping too. I think eloping would be so exciting too!!!

[blur]

since your dad is threatening and violent then no i would not invite him to your wedding. maybe at some other point in time you can try to rebuild the relationship if you want to. since you haven't had much contact at all for 3 years i don't think your wedding is a good time if your dad is so volatile. if he weren't volatile then i'd say invite him but if there is a chance he is going to ruin your day then i think another time would be better for reconciliation efforts.

[Me and my dog]

Enjoy "your" day... You already know the answer to your question. Conformation is what you're looking for and from me you have it. I shut the door on my mother 8 years ago and to this day it was the best thing I ever could have done for myself and my family. Some people just aren't programed to play by societies morals. LoL... said by a nut job. Best of luck to you and your hubby to be.

[hannabee]

I agree with all the others!!! No no no he has not been a proper father to you and doesn't deserve to be involved with YOUR special day. Sounds like he just might try and ruin it for you! I cut off ties with my mother when I finally realized I didn't deserve to be treated the way she treated me. Congrats and I hope you have a very wonderful future!

[sparkle108]

Thanks for all the support and advice guys!

Definitely been thinking a lot at the moment how I think I just need justification and confirmation - so think you might be right on the money with what you've said Me and my Dog - thanks!

Eloping would be amazing and you're right really exciting but I would really miss having my friends on my big day and they are some of the most important people in my life at the moment - I also think that my Dad wouldn't impose and as mentioned he has no family that would be there. I also don't think that his wife would let him!

Hvert and everybody else who mentioned cutting off ties with their parents - sorry to hear we have very similar situations - it's so frustrating but what I will take from it - is that it has definitely made me a stronger person as well as being more conscious about the way I treat people around me in the future - always a silver lining right?

Thanks again for all the advice! My friend also told me to write a letter to my Dad - even if you don't send it - it might help you work through your thoughts and feelings further. Might get right on that!