[mulan]

I know I am not the only onde having an hard time with social situations...but I wonder how it is for other people.
There is no subforum for these kind of problems. So I will write here trying to get some feedback on some this matter.

I don't like small stores. I hate everytime a shop employer comes to me to offer help, I just feel like going away from the store imediatly. It is the all thing, talking to a stranger, have someone trying to influence my choices it's very unconfortable.

But I have problems in many other situations, I feel very embarassed, observed, judge and it is hard to talk.

I have a very limited group of people with I can talk without problems.

At college I may speak to people normaly, but at instance, one of the worst things are the breaks. When people gather with whom they like the most and go somewhere... By that time, since nobody asked me to join the groups, many times I stay alone.
I might know that most of them are in the students room. But it is very hard to go in there. If I enter I can't stay for a long time. I immediatly feel observed, unwanted, and judged for trying to spend time with people who probably don't want me around and have their own private conversation and subjects they don't want to share with me.

So I might think about aproach them, but these thoughts and these feelings are bigger than me. And I just go to next class room door and I wait by there.

If they aproach me is better because then I know I AM not bothering them with my presence. And it is much more easier to talk.

[atomicc]

It sounds to me like you may have social anxiety, have you ever gone to a therapist to talk about these feelings?

[hvert]

Yeah, I think you may find the anxiety forum interesting.

I also don't like going to stores where the employees won't leave me alone. There's one store near me that I would like to support because it is a local business and I like the owner, but it's like going through a gauntlet to go in there -- I walk in and the person at the counter asks what I am looking for. I tell him I know where it is. As am I walking to the aisle, another person asks me what I am looking for. Sometimes four people will offer to help me when I don't want any help!

Also, I want to check the price on something before I buy it. It's hard to do that if someone drags you to the aisle and then hands you the product.

So I don't go in much. I wonder if they know how many customers they lose that way -- I like to browse when I shop and often buy things that weren't on my list.

I've found that taking baby steps and sort of desensitizing myself to these situations has helped. Go into the student room for as long as you can. Set a goal to say hello to someone. The next time you go in, try to stay five minutes longer and greet two people. Little by little, you will make progress. As you say hello to people, they will think you are friendly and be more likely to approach you in the future, too!

[IchbinkeinTeufel]

That definitely rings true to me and does indeed sound exactly like social anxiety. I've had social anxiety for a long time; it's very debilitating. I've had the college thing, too. I recently got back into college (enrolling soon >.<) to redo one of my GCSEs, and so I am expecting a similar experience all over again, ... at least this time I know I can be quite a nice chappy to hang out with, or, so people tell me. xD It's only part-time. I remember when I was in a full-time course, back before I knew what was really going on with me; it was a NIGHTMARE. I was so anxious it was insane; I bailed out of college twice because I couldn't handle it. I would be sweating, shaking, pacing, having heart-palpitations, unable to concentration, etc; scary experience. I believe there were times when I felt overwhelmed and my eyes may have "leaked" a bit, ... I know this happened other times, but I believe it was like that at college, as well. So I believe I can relate.

Go to a doctor. Get some professional help, ASAP. Medication can help... I find the beta-blocker Propranolol very helpful (certainly not a cure, though) and CBT for my OCD helped a bit; I imagine treatment more focused on the anxiety would help me more. Please get help! You're not alone. I've been there, and I am there, every day of my life, as has been the case for the past 13 years, if not more.

[Trippin2.0]

Well firstly I would like to speak on behalf of the employees in the small shops:

We are being watched, not you if we don't offer you assistance, we get into trouble...
So as annoying as we can be (I hated it myself before actually becoming one of THOSE employees) take a deep breath and consider the fact that our jobs are on the line, should we adhere to your unspoken wishes and ignore your presence completely.

Secondly, you do sound like you suffer from Social Anxiety, I believe therapy can help this, but as mentioned above, desensitizing yourself bit by bit will go a long way.

After each interaction, put in the effort to actually make a mental note of how that didn't kill you, even though it was more than uncomfortable.

These positive reinforcements will help future interactions as your brain will remember the previous mental note.

That's what helped me anyway... I had a brawl with what was for me, crippling social anxiety after I isolated myself for 14 months due to a severe depressive episode.

I was a social butterfly before that, but even so, it took me months, and months to not feel awkward, panicked and ready to run.

Practice makes perfect afterall.

Therapy seems like it could be very beneficial to you.

[dedicated]

Maybe wonder sometimes that employees in the department stores approaching you are offering help. Try to observe them sometimes, how many people had accepted their offer and how many denied. If there are more people who accepted their offer than who denied that means that they are important. Put your feet on their shoes sometimes and see how it feels.

[mulan]

Thank you all for the feedback. And for the advices, I will try to put my self in the other side more often.
As you speak about social anxiety I also have some doubts about this issue. It's not I haven't thought and considered it as one of my problems.

I am not trully anxious, I am fearfull and embarassed, but not normaly anxious. I don't have troubles with blushing, shaking or sweating... And besides I am always trying to brake my barriers, and I do it often. I put myself in unconfortable positions, that give me some stress and do whatever I have to do. But the long experience doing those sort of things isn't enough to break my way of thinking and feeling terrible about myself in those same situations.

I am like this since a very, very, very young age. When I was a small kid. And some how I have not been able to stop my fear of disaprovement.

I have a lot of social contact in my daily processional life, like give presentation, or intervewing people. And I can do it. It's not my favorite place, and I am not the best or the loose one, the opposite, but I can do it.

I would like to know how this fit into social anxiety.

Thank you.

[Koko2]

Originally Posted by Trippin2.0

Well firstly I would like to speak on behalf of the employees in the small shops:

We are being watched, not you if we don't offer you assistance, we get into trouble...
So as annoying as we can be (I hated it myself before actually becoming one of THOSE employees) take a deep breath and consider the fact that our jobs are on the line, should we adhere to your unspoken wishes and ignore your presence completely.

Agree. If the store employees are being aggressively "friendly", for most of them at least, it's due to their being required by management to be that way. I just feel sorry for them for having such a sucky job that they have to act real plastic to keep it. I do still find it annoying though.
...
Just noticed you're in Europe. I thought they were less sales-oriented over there. Sorry that isn't the case.

[hamster-bamster]

Why cannot you just say: "Oh, thanks, I am here just to browse. If I need something, I will ask you, OK?". Obviously, with a smile.

If you truly cannot say that, then sure, social anxiety is your thing and it needs attention.

[hvert]

Even if anxiety is not quite the right word to describe it, I think you will find other people with similar feelings in the anxiety forum. I don't have any physical issues either and public speaking doesn't phase me, but sometimes group events where I may encounter a lot of strangers, like parties, make me uncomfortable.

For me, repetitively going to these sorts of events and interacting with people even when I don't want to has made it easier to do. I still don't like doing it, but it is easier. It sounds like you have tried this but it is not making a difference? What would happen if you made yourself go into that room during break and greet a person? What if you did it twice a week for a month? Have you tried that already?

[hamster-bamster]

I know I am going to annoy anybody because I am saying the same thing over and over again, but I highly recommend creative expression group therapy for anxiety. (I always vote for art therapy first, which is why I am afraid that I will become a total bore).

I am participating in one, so I am speaking from experience.

In general, there are two broad categories of anxiety.

I fall into physiological anxiety in that my very basic functions stall often (I cannot ingest food OR drink (!!!) when nervous, stressed out, preoccupied, etc. and I cannot sleep from anxiety and at night my heart feels squeezed and it is scary). But I can be high functioning and very social - say, I can make a presentation while not being able to drink liquids beyond taking tiny sips.

Trippin - are you like that, too? I imagine that for being a shop assistant, you MUST be social.

And then there is a large category of social anxiety which comes in many forms, but always involves restricted interactions.

So in my group most people are from the latter category - the social anxiety. They are very different from regular people. Their eyes "fidget" (if this term can be applied to eyes), their palms are covered in cold sweat (we had an exercise that included guiding each other while blindfolded and that is how I know the guy's palms were sweaty), their gaze is unsteady, and, most importantly, there is pure suffering hidden in their eyes.

And then you start talking and interacting with them and finding out that they are brilliant, compassionate, quirky, creative, and what not.

Because I am an oddball in my group with non-social anxiety, I report on my experiences more as an observer than a participant; I cannot speak for how it feels to be inside the body of a socially anxious person during the group, but, you know what -- we are happy to see each other when we meet the following week, so our therapist, and we, must be doing something right.

[Trippin2.0]

Originally Posted by hamster-bamster

Trippin - are you like that, too? I imagine that for being a shop assistant, you MUST be social.

I am very social by nature, but for a long while after My Great Depression, I struggled quite a bit. And I didn't get awkward, sweaty dunno what to say type anxious. I got the omg I can't breath, this is too overwhelming I wanna rip out my hair and jump out of skin so I need to run! type of anxious...

But I'm ok now I don't panic or bolt anymore and I'm back to striking up convos with random people once again. All is well

[mulan]

Originally Posted by hvert

Even if anxiety is not quite the right word to describe it, I think you will find other people with similar feelings in the anxiety forum. I don't have any physical issues either and public speaking doesn't phase me, but sometimes group events where I may encounter a lot of strangers, like parties, make me uncomfortable.

For me, repetitively going to these sorts of events and interacting with people even when I don't want to has made it easier to do. I still don't like doing it, but it is easier. It sounds like you have tried this but it is not making a difference? What would happen if you made yourself go into that room during break and greet a person? What if you did it twice a week for a month? Have you tried that already?

I tried to go there and greeting (the students room) just a few times. It is so painfull. And even I do that the big 'they don't want me to be here is bigger than me, it crushes me. It's awfull. I AM there and I am thinking about what they are thinking about me being therethere. And as I don't say to much it becomes heavier, and if I say something it turns also heavier like 'what is this stranger doing here and trying to be nice and hung up with us, when she has this and that personality, we don't like her that much, and she doesn't even belong to our group...'

Awfull, just the thought of it... I try to escape as sooner as I can. I feel ashamed imagining that then they start thinking about how odd I am, because I left, and so they have onde more reason to not want me around.

So in the end I promise myself to not go back inside sooner. Just quit about the idea.

That's it.

[Trippin2.0]

Have you tried actively and aggressively challenging those thoughts?

Obviously you have no way of knowing what anyone else thinks, so I'm a bit curious as to how exactly your mind is able to run so rampant based on zero factual data and how it manages to triumph over your rationality every single time...

Sounds more paranoid as opposed to anxious, but then again I'm no doctor, its just my opinion.

Whatever it is, it sounds horrid, not just because I'm pedantic about implementing logic, but because that must be really lonely...

I'm sorry you're struggling with such intrusive thoughts and hope you find a way to battle them effectively.

[mulan]

Originally Posted by Trippin2.0

Have you tried actively and aggressively challenging those thoughts?

Obviously you have no way of knowing what anyone else thinks, so I'm a bit curious as to how exactly your mind is able to run so rampant based on zero factual data and how it manages to triumph over your rationality every single time...

Sounds more paranoid as opposed to anxious, but then again I'm no doctor, its just my opinion.

Whatever it is, it sounds horrid, not just because I'm pedantic about implementing logic, but because that must be really lonely...

I'm sorry you're struggling with such intrusive thoughts and hope you find a way to battle them effectively.

Well these thoughts had been with me for a long long long time (childhood time).
Maybe I have reasons to make me think like this, I know I have...

It's long, it's hard to explain. Yes I admit this hasn't much logic, but I just think like this when I am 'new', the only one who is new in a group of people that get along well and know each other well. Basicaly when I don't belong I think like this.

But it happens that I am so bad at creating new close, open relationships, that I never belong anywhere.

[A Red Panda]

Ok, so I relate a lot to the things that you are saying. You should do some reading on Cognitive Distortions because you likely have quite a few of them. CBT therapy might help you overcome at least a few of them.

Along with social anxiety, you might want to read a bit about Avoidant Personality Disorder. They have a lot of similarities. But really, only a professional can help you determine what.

I will, however, reiterate what Trippin said: you can't read their minds. So, no matter what has happened in the past... you can't judge new people based on other people. You can't read their minds and you will interpret everything that the say, do, or simply look... you'll get those things to agree with your own negative bias about yourself because you're so sure that you know what they really think. Try noticing those thoughts when you have them, and challenge it. "That person hates me... why do I think they hate me? They aren't smiling when I smiled. Oh... that doesn't mean that they hate me... maybe they're just in a bad moor or thinking hard about something."

[mulan]

Originally Posted by A Red Panda

Ok, so I relate a lot to the things that you are saying. You should do some reading on Cognitive Distortions because you likely have quite a few of them. CBT therapy might help you overcome at least a few of them.

Along with social anxiety, you might want to read a bit about Avoidant Personality Disorder. They have a lot of similarities. But really, only a professional can help you determine what.

I will, however, reiterate what Trippin said: you can't read their minds. So, no matter what has happened in the past... you can't judge new people based on other people. You can't read their minds and you will interpret everything that the say, do, or simply look... you'll get those things to agree with your own negative bias about yourself because you're so sure that you know what they really think. Try noticing those thoughts when you have them, and challenge it. "That person hates me... why do I think they hate me? They aren't smiling when I smiled. Oh... that doesn't mean that they hate me... maybe they're just in a bad moor or thinking hard about something."

That's not that simple. From every school I went, this phase is by far the one when I have been more rejected, rejected without any concern about how I would feel. Those same people that I fear I am being anoying to are the same I thought were somehow my friends and then I discovered that all of them made lots of plans together and never invited me to go with them. With this attitude from them I felt I was someone they didn't want to be with and I step back (I feel bad beeing with people that don't want me).

And even so, how this and others that are good friends from these are the only collegues I have on university, they are still the ones I may try to be with.