Football Widows

he and I have decided to give it another try there is alot going on here and most of it likely stemming from a lack of communication. He is very different from, he is more social, outgoing, he likes karaoke, and drinking. I pretty much flatly refuse to go to bars because I don't drink, I don't like loud music and I think bars are really boring places. I never asked him to give up going out I just won't go with him because its not my thing. I finally told him that he seemed like an overgrown frat boy that was not ready to grow up and stop partying and that I was mystified about why he insisted on us having this very serious relationship. I certainly never said that unless we were in a serious relationship that would lead to marriage I was out. I am ambivalent about marriage at best, I don't want to have children so I don't have a biological clock ticking loudly in the background. My whole point being that he seemed to have invented this stipulations that he needed to adhere to in order for me to love him, which is not the case. As long as he is real and honest with me about his wants and needs and I am prepared to love him where he is at. And I told him as much. He said that he wanted someone to spend the rest of his life with. I told him that was fine and well but right now we were trying to negotiate how many times a week we were going to see each other and the small hurdles had to be cleared first.He is very closed off, he does not communicate with me or confide in me, there is very little self disclosure from him which bothers me and prevents me from seeing where he is coming from. He says that that as the man he is supposed to take care of me and not burden me. I told him that it did not work that way and I had a hard time loving someone that would not make themselves vulnerable to me. He knows where we stand so we can see where it goes. As far as the football my biggest issue was his actions did not match his words. You cannot profess to love me above all else and then choose not to spend your free time with me and expect me to be anything other than angry and confused. I hope he will start opening up to me and we can achieve real intimacy rather than continue to play out our socially defined roles as he seems them.

You list alot of things and activities that you just dont like for a variety of reasons.. And thats fine to not like going out etc ...

Is it going to be okay for him to continue doing his bar thing and devoting his time to football ??? I hope that you are both able to communicate openly and you willing to accept him as his football and all are taking up alot of his free time.

Good luck

Hello:
In virtually every failed relationship I was ever in, except for my current marriage, the lack of communication or more exactly BAD communication was the bottom line issue combined with a very serious lack of good relationship skills. My parents were both very bad examples of relationship skills so I left home empty handed of good relationship skills and knowledge which made a big mess of my life later on.
If I were in your situation, I would take the time to read books on relationship skills or google: relationship tips to LEARN HOW to make it work. We both studied and use the same stuff because it won't work if only one partner knows what to do while the other one is still LOST in ignorance.
All I have to say is that knowing and using these simple relationship skills has made our marriage easy, fun, happy, loving, trustworthy, SEXY and ever improving!
The relationship skills that we learned place 100% HONESTY & TRUTH at the very top of the heap because without CONSISTENT honesty, there can be no trust and without trust why bother to be in any relationship? Being totally honest was difficult for me but I finally got it!

Relationship skills teach people how to open up and talk more and more freely and share sensitive subjects with each other as Trust and Respect builds between them. We are able to talk about ANYTHING, ANYTIME since we are Best Friends and have NO SECRETS from each other. It takes a while to become that trusting and open but it's worth it to get there.
good luck,
jim