[Wantingmywife]

Hi all,
I am really nervous about posting on her, but I can't think we're else yo get the answers I need.
I meet my wife 10 years ago in a few days and for the last 5 years she has told me she is leaving or I should leave.
Last week she asked me to leave for good and wants a divorce and she seems resolute.
We have 2 beautiful kids that we both adore.
My wife has had a tough life , a mentally ill , violent horrid dad, a mentally ill and terminally ill mother who had progressive ms and Pastaway a few years back after a horrible slow death. She has numerous friends who struggle with mental illness, a friend dying of cancer. Family break ups and our roller foster relationship on top of that.
My wife has always had depression and I have always known about it, she is pro active , exercising , medicating , we have paid for counselling etc.
I love my wife with all my heart and to outsiders she is bubbly fun loving and has so many friends who all think she is amazing.
There are too many wonderful qualities to list, but she has always thought I was to good for her and her insecurities lead to her telling me that she wanted to split up.
I left the house a few times for a few weeks, refused to leave once or twice and then she begin to live like a single lady out every weekend, with same friends who also knew the local singles!!!!!, I hated this, she would dress up sexy go out , tell me about all these men chatting her up and trying to kiss her when she was telling them about me and the kids. She asked me to go but I was so angry and anti and felt stupid this was going on I didn't.
It all lead to what I am told was only an emotion affair, she wouldn't leave her phone anywhere , she was dressing up and going out to regular voluntary work at night!!!! I found the texts and Facebook messages , wishing I want there and that they could be together as soon as I go out .
My world fell apart, I challenged her and she said that nothing physical went on,, I'm not sure , I know they kissed drunkenly which May had lead to more.
I was told that in no uncertain terms that I had to except him as a friend as he was part of her new circle of friends and that I had to be polite and not cause a fuss.
She has always said I don't find her sexy, that I don't think she is beautiful and that she is fat etc, she is beautiful and she is sexy and I tell her regularly
I refused she wanted to leave, family and friends got involved and she begrudgingly went to counselling.
We patched it up, the councillor asked me to see him privately and explained that she was badly emotionally sacred and had mental illness and that if I stayed with her it was a long term commitment as she needed a lot of support.
I didn't think twice I loved her and always will.
6 months later I made the biggest mistake of my life and feel into the arms of a young beautiful woman who had persuaded me for a long time , which I was oblivious to until it was in my face.
I was venerable, tired and needed some love. It lasted 3 weeks , I told my wife I said I was leaving . Then realised I was a mess had made a mistake and asked her forgiveness, which at the time she was more than willing to give . I will regret it forever.
My wife has never forgotten this a few weeks ago has told me for the ,I have lost count , that it's over . But usually the next week she is madly in love with me. But this has been for 4 weeks now?
She was diagnosed with bi polar about a year ago , but the councillor said he though she should find out 5 years ago.
I don't know if the divorce talk is the bipolar, as she is making huge, decisions quickly with out thought, she is borrowing money from friends and seems supremely confident at the moment.
Her friends think she is being irrational and to spontaneous , as do my family. I have asked to visit the doctor and a councillor just to make sure we aren't tearing the world apart and we won't be able to fix it again
How do I work out if it's the manic that is talking or her before it is to late

I know this is a bit of a ramble but there is so much more , I just hope we can get through this

Please help

[~Christina]

You have a big mess going on , Im sorry you do.

Maybe it is her Bipolar causing some of the behavior or maybe she is just doing it for the hell of it
Unless she wants help there is no way you force her. Has she ever been in treatment in the past for a extended amount of time? Seeing a Therapist and Doctor ? Take an medications for it ?

Even marriage counseling is only going to work if both people are wanting to be together and make changes that will allow for a loving relationship with communication and respect...

Regardless I think you could benefit from seeing a Therapist to help you sort out your situation.

I hope you both are taking into consideration how all this could/can be effecting your children. There wellbeing should be first and foremost.

I wish you luck on a very difficult situation. Welcome to PC you will find lots of support here

[kaliope]

hi wantingmywife
sadly, you are describing a typical bipolar situation. just as the doctor told you, it takes a lot of commitment and support to be in a bipolar relationship. increased sexuality is just one of the many symptoms. life is a rollercoaster. if you can tolerate this lifestyle, if your love is strong enough, make the decision to stay in. it doesn't mean you don't love her if you leave. welcome to psych central. you will find we have several forums where you can post about your concerns and receive feedback from other members. you will get a lot of support here. again, welcome

[hvert]

Isn't it possible that this has less to do with your wife's bipolar condition and more to do with your affair? I am not sure if I am just reading this wrong, but it doesn't seem that strange to me that she would have conflicting emotions about your marriage based on you falling for another woman and telling her that you were leaving.

[lilypup]

This is not a total answer...but people, PLEASE do not tell your spouse about an affair you had. This only eases your guilt but causes devastation for the spouse you tell. If you had the affair, it was quiet, and it's over, move on and be a better person.

[Wantingmywife]

I understand this could be about the affair, but it's the fact that my wife is totally I love one week and then leaving me the next .
As u said I wish it didn't happen, my life's biggest regret.
As I said I just don't want us to go to far the line and find out it was the condition that made the decision for my wife and not here .
Baring in mind that 2 days before she said she was leaving me she was begging her boss for holiday to save our marriage . When she joined me the next day she said it was over .
If that's the case why has this love disappeared in 48 .
I have arranged therapy for her on her own first (she asked for this ) and then if she wants I will join her.
Thankyou for all your kind words and honest opinions

[Wantingmywife]

Originally Posted by ~Christina

You have a big mess going on , Im sorry you do.

Maybe it is her Bipolar causing some of the behavior or maybe she is just doing it for the hell of it
Unless she wants help there is no way you force her. Has she ever been in treatment in the past for a extended amount of time? Seeing a Therapist and Doctor ? Take an medications for it ?

Even marriage counseling is only going to work if both people are wanting to be together and make changes that will allow for a loving relationship with communication and respect...

Regardless I think you could benefit from seeing a Therapist to help you sort out your situation.



I hope you both are taking into consideration how all this could/can be effecting your children. There wellbeing should be first and foremost.

I wish you luck on a very difficult situation. Welcome to PC you will find lots of support here

Thank for the reply she is taking medication , but only did therapy for about 6 sessions and then said it was to hard and was making no difference .
I just want her to be happy , hopefully with me , but happy first .
The kids will be ok , it's not ideal if we seperate . But our close friends and family are aware of the situation and will be there to help.
And while we live together we don't argue , we get on well when she lets us .
But there is no shouting or hate in the house , only an awkward kind of love .
It's really hard being around her , yet not really spending time with her and not being allowed to show her affection

[hvert]

I guess what I meant is that her reaction does not seem like it is necessarily a result of a mental illness to me -- it's not unusual for people to be extremely conflicted and extremely emotional with stuff like this. I just worry that you might be writing off normal, natural feelings due to her mental illness. I would try to accept them as real, true feelings, whatever they are, whenever they are. If you assume they are connected to the bipolar, it sort of diminishes what she is going through, if that makes sense?

You aren't bipolar, but you decided to leave the relationship and then changed your mind and want to fight to save the marriage. Maybe later on you'll want to leave again, who knows? People are inscrutable in these matters, whatever else they have going on in their heads.

Hopefully you two can work this out for the best. It sounds like it has been a hard road so far - I hope it gets better.