[new_guy245]

So, following my previous post, I had a discussion with my student I had a crush on and made it clear that I can't engage in conversations with him that does not involve academics. I also told him I need some space to myself. He took it surprisingly well considering how often he had visited my office in the past for chit chat and showered me with compliments. Seriously though.. He was very cool about it.

Anyway, now I am trying to move on. Man. Is it hard or what? I believe I did the right thing distancing myself from him. Although at times I feel like I should have done nothing and just enjoyed his future office visits. I know.. that's so conflicting. Looks like he is not worrying about anything. He is probably happy with his fiance.

How do you stop feeling like you closed the door on some future good memories. I am proud that I finally got the courage to tell him off but I feel so bad about everything. It's just such a mess. I know it's just a crush but it's taking a toll on me. Any supportive thoughts to get through this?

[Solipsist]

Well.

What I usually do is go to the gym. Endorphins help tons, and you can subtly check-out hotties in the mirror, but not actually engage.

Then I go draw in a cafe. For as long as I want. And drink way too much coffee. And often bring a little treat for the employees there so they will not feel awkward about seeing me all day looking forlorn.

[lilypup]

Getting over someone takes time. The first recommended thing is that you neither initiate or respond to the person for thirty days. This will cool it off. You can't control them, but you can control your actions.
Would you really want this guy anyway? He flirts with you but tells you he is getting married? He sounds like a recipe for disaster.
Stay away emotionally from students.

[Trippin2.0]

Originally Posted by new_guy245

How do you stop feeling like you closed the door on some future good memories.

Best defence against emotions is your brain.

Works for me anyway

First line of defence is logic.

Remind yourself that there never was a possibility of future good memories...

Firstly he's a student, secondly he's getting married. The future would be much like what's behind the door you just closed, only magnified due to willingly prolonging your own agony.

Second line of defence, positive affirmations.

Remind yourself you're doing the right thing, that putting your job on the line for a student who isn't even available was never a viable option and then pat yourself on the back for doing the smart thing.

Third line of defence is reality checking.

Remind yourself that it was a one sided crush, that in reality you didn't lose anything besides a fantasy.

Rinse and repeat these 3 exercises and keep yourself as distracted as possible and you should be on your road to recovering from your crush.

Hope I was of some help and not just stating the obvious

[new_guy245]

Originally Posted by Trippin2.0

Best defence against emotions is your brain.

Works for me anyway

First line of defence is logic.

Remind yourself that there never was a possibility of future good memories...

Firstly he's a student, secondly he's getting married. The future would be much like what's behind the door you just closed, only magnified due to willingly prolonging your own agony.

Second line of defence, positive affirmations.

Remind yourself you're doing the right thing, that putting your job on the line for a student who isn't even available was never a viable option and then pat yourself on the back for doing the smart thing.

Third line of defence is reality checking.

Remind yourself that it was a one sided crush, that in reality you didn't lose anything besides a fantasy.

Rinse and repeat these 3 exercises and keep yourself as distracted as possible and you should be on your road to recovering from your crush.

Hope I was of some help and not just stating the obvious

Thank you. This is very helpful. I need to remind myself that the only thing I lost was a few additional office visits from him which always leaves me wanting more and intensifies the crush. Actually when I told him that I won't be able to converse any more he was like " It's fine. you are making a big deal out of it". Obviously.. he doesn't know that I have a crush. The weird thing is he used to kinda flirt with me (talk about my hair and the fact that I am fit) which is totally not typical for a straight man. That's what threw me for a loop.

Well.. Now it's healing time. I have to be strong and not initiate any contact with him. I am distracting myself as much a possible but it's hard not to think about him when I am alone though.

May be I will send him an email few months from now just to offer academic help if he needs it. That's also something I may or may not do. Thanks again

[new_guy245]

Any further thoughts on how to handle moving on? I am doing positive affirmations and that's helping. But the "me" time is killing me. I find myself obsessing over him. Awful!!! I have friends to keep me distracted but I still end up with some alone time.

Anyone else who has done this or helped others do this? Any ideas? Sometimes I keep picturing him getting married or whatever and it kills me. I know he doesn't t have everything I have like education and career but you always focus on what you don't have? Right?

On a side note, he does not have a job yet and he is already engaged... huh? Kinda scary in my book.

[hvert]

I think it's like withdrawal. Make a list of quick distractions. Conjugate verbs in another language when he pops into your head. Do ridiculous math. I think it just takes time.

I find no contact and lots of contact with other people helps--- you may be stuck since you will still see him in class. You'll get over this.

[IchbinkeinTeufel]

He is probably happy with his fiance.

Yep, that's why they're engaged. Dunno what he's playing at, but he's due to be married, so that's the end of that... maybe focus on that? That's what helps me.

[new_guy245]

Originally Posted by hvert

I think it's like withdrawal. Make a list of quick distractions. Conjugate verbs in another language when he pops into your head. Do ridiculous math. I think it just takes time.

I find no contact and lots of contact with other people helps--- you may be stuck since you will still see him in class. You'll get over this.

I don't have him in my classes anymore. So, the chances of me running into him are slim. I hope the out of sight out of mind approach would work. I am sure he feels at least slightly bad because he had told me earlier that he needs my support and mentoring. But I need to protect myself and I can't sympathize. He has a fiance after all for support. So there is that.

I have to take baby steps and acknowledge the fact that's probably a little hard for him too since he is used to visiting me often and doing chit chat. He sent me an email over the summer (despite the fact he was not taking any classes) and came to my office for chit chat. How crazy is that?

Past is past. Moving on.. one step at a time.