[chopper123]

i have chronic pain (migraines), and i was just starting to think that my boyfriend of almost 2 years understood how this can worsen my depression and anxiety. the other day, i was triggered by absolutely everything i smelled. we passed by a lot of people eating, and every food i passed made my stomach turn. i tried explaining this to my boyfriend, since he asked if i was okay, and he essentially told me to just stop being triggered. like.. to stop letting smells affect me. (for people who don't know, migraines can cause nausea and vomiting. smells such as cigarette smoke and perfume often trigger migraines.) i tried explaining that i couldn't just stop being affected by the smells, but he kept insisting that i could if i tried harder. i dont even know what to say to that. he also tells me to 'stop being anxious' sometimes and to 'snap out of' my depression. any advice?

[Rose76]

Unfortunately, many people have little understanding of things that they have not personally experienced. It's a human tendency. Your boyfriend is probably not going to change much on this issue. Maybe he is not the guy you need in your life. Then, again, maybe you can find reading material for him about your illness that he can use to get himself better educated.

I don't have migraines, but I do struggle with depression. I have learned that other people have a very limited capacity to hear about my problem. This is true even of people who love me. Sometimes you just have to withdraw from an activity that is too tough for you when you are having a bad day. Maybe, if your boyfriend finds that you don't want to be with him when you are suffering, he will be more supportive of you. I know you do want to be with him, but that's because you are hoping for his support which you are not getting.

The two of you will have to find a compromise that won't be exactly what either one of you wants. He will never be as understanding as you wish him to be. You will never just "snap" out of things as he wishes. You might try offering him a deal like this: "I won't burden you with every discomfort I feel, but I will tell you when I'm having a really extra hard time, and I will expect you to be supportive on those occasions."

Guys tend to dislike hearing about a problem that they can't do anything to solve. If you are telling him about the smells bothering you because you would like to leave that area, then he should be willing to go with you somewhere else where there are not triggering smells. If you feel anxious, and you know something specific he can do to help you, then he should be willing to do that. However, if you just want to be listened to, while you express how much you are suffering, then you might have to learn to keep some of that to yourself.

I once told a counselor that I was finding that people in my life did not really want to listen very much to me talking about my depression/anxiety. She replied, "That's a service you really have to pay people to do." I thought her advice was harsh, but I've found it true. If you limit sharing about your problem to times when it is really severe (and not too often,) you will get more sympathy. If you are talking about your migraines 3 or 4 times a week, people, including your boyfriend, will start to tune you out. It sounds cruel, but it's just how people are. That's what I've learned.

[jimmy rich]

Originally Posted by chopper123

any advice?

I'd find another partner.
jim

[A Red Panda]

It's unfortunate that he's so insensitive... but it is a common perception that people have who have never experienced depression, major anxiety, or painful health issues. They simply have no real understanding of it, and their own experiences tell them that they can in fact cheer themselves up when they're at their worst... so naturally they'd think that others can. And sometimes people are just too stubborn/insensitive to accept when someone goes "actually, that isn't how depression works."

When you talk about how you're feeling, especially if you guys are out somewhere and not just chilling at home, do you have preferences for what you would like to do to help alleviate how you are feeling? Like... if I have it as an option, I ask friends to let me sit with my back to the wall in restaurants, or on the aisle seats in theatres, or the window seat on public transit. That helps to alleviate the stress I feel in those situations, and my friends and bf help accommodate that. I also make it clear to them that when I'm really anxious or depressed as a general mood... well, I make them aware of it and point out that I'm best with last-minute invitations to do things, am liable to cancel anything made in advance, and can't always handle more than 1:1. I also have a strategy of just going up to one and saying "I'm going home, panicking" and they don't ask and just let me head home.

The point I guess I'm getting at is... is that while I let people know how I'm doing, I also only really involve them in my thoughts and feelings when I have something concrete to do which they can feel like they're helping with. Yes, sometimes I do have my conversations just about what's going on (more of a vent if I'm anxious about something that I can find some legitimacy to).... but it's usually nothing beyond "Yeah I've been feeling down lately, sorry. Just want to be on my own most of the time" or "Yeah I'm sorta panicky today".

There's nothing else I can expect them to do, but I help them to be supportive of me. I don't want to overwhelm them, and that is what would happen if I was to share so much of how I was feeling. And that's understandable - I've been overwhelmed by friends who were always telling me about how they're feeling... and I couldn't do anything about it but I DID understand and empathise as I understand depression. Yet there still wasn't anything for me to do, besides listen, and it would usually end up with me or them getting upset with the other one - I'd feel helpless, and they would feel angry that I wasn't somehow fixing things.

Do you give your bf concrete things about what you would like to do? Like... did you tell him that you wanted to leave the area with all the smells? If he didn't want to, well, there was nothing keeping you there really. "Look, I need to leave this area. The smells are making me sick. Would you like to leave with me?"

If he's really unsupportive all the time, have you asked him about how he feels when you're down?

I wouldn't be able to stay with someone who was so unsupportive if I knew that I was doing all I could to help them support me.

[lilypup]

I don't like his responses. If someone cares about you, they don't want to see you in pain
or distress. I don't think it's too much to ask to get away from cigarette smoke or strong food smells. Obviously, this man has never had a migraine!

[IchbinkeinTeufel]

Oh [beep beep beep], people who say things like that are probably why so many of us here at PC (and elsewhere in the world) feel like crap about our MH. So ignorant and insensitive. Sure, I'll just "get over" my anxiety, and "try harder", oh and while I'm at it, I'll just magically undo the 28 years of OCD... yeh, ... sure... ¬_¬ You've every right to be pissed right off, IMO. He just can't understand it, I guess. But hey, I can't understand MPD or Schizophrenia, but I don't go telling people to "get over it".

I think you'll find a lot of people here would react similarly to how I have... it's frustrating because a lot of us get it throughout our lives and it drives us "crazy".

This is one of the reasons why I would prefer to be with a woman who understands at least some of this kinda stuff, because I'd hate to have a woman turn around to me and say crap like "get over it", or "suck it up", or "you'll feel better tomorrow", or "cheer up", etc. IMO, it's almost as bad as telling a guy in a wheelchair to "get up and run around; you'll feel better" - the only difference is that we can see the wheelchair. I hate crappy MH.

Guys tend to dislike hearing about a problem that they can't do anything to solve.

That rings true to me, at least.